Lucky Star
by kuhekabir
Summary: It all started with the day from hell and Jim's resolution that Spock really didn't want him as a friend. So why is the stubborn Vulcan now stalking him?
1. Chapter 1

My 1st Star Trek story!

Title: **Lucky Star**

Author: kuhekabir

Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Jim/Spock

Warnings: AU, some violence, angst, hurt/comfort, mentions past abuse and non-con, mentions torture (but nothing explicit), amnesia, humour, stalking, sex...etc...

Beta: fanofsuper and ladyreivin

Disclaimer: Just my imagination, that's it...

AN: I've seen TOS ages ago so basically I don't remember it and don't really know that much about the Star Trek universe in general. I have seen the Star Trek 2009 movie which started my little obsession but I just want to _warn_ you that I have used some canon information that I picked up here and there so if you are looking for total accuracy this won't be it. This is AU, the way I see it, liberties taken...it is just a story for fun (hopefully) after all...thanks.

**Story Information:**** It all started with **_**the day from hell**_** and Jim's resolution that Spock really didn't want him as a friend. So why is the stubborn Vulcan now stalking him? And since life never did run smoothly for Jim, how long will it take for a certain Vulcan to break all his defences? Will love win out?**

**I- The Day From Hell**

Summary for Part I:

Jim's summary of his day from hell: "Let's see...blown up, kidnapped, tortured...oh and confusing Vulcans..."

**I – The Day From Hell**

Jim observed the brightly lit ballroom and sighed; yet another meet and greet where he was supposed to smile and charm and contrary to popular belief, he found it quite difficult to be charming when he wasn't allowed to try and get into the other person's pants.

Not that he wanted to get into the pants of stuffy looking politicians, ambassadors and aliens but it was the principle that applied and he much rather would face yet another Nero than to be standing here, face frozen in yet another almost permanent smile.

It was exhausting and he was already looking for an escape route when he spotted his first officer across the room.

Another sigh escaped his lips but before he could think about it he was already crossing the room and making his way towards the half Vulcan.

He blamed the older Spock, the one from the alternate reality, for his current predicament because if he hadn't been shown just what kind of friendship the two of them could have then he wouldn't have spent the last six month chasing after Spock, trying to break through the stiff exterior of his first officer and supposed best friend.

No one could of course take Bones's place but having caught a glimpse into a life where he and Spock shared a bond of friendship he found himself wanting to recreate what he had seen and even if he could just get half way there he would already be content with that.

Maybe he could blame his loveless childhood for his apparent need of self-torture but like a moth to the flame, he found that he couldn't stay away from Spock and he couldn't just give up either.

After all, he had made his career by not believing in no-win scenarios so he couldn't very well just give up now!

He really just wanted a little sign that his efforts weren't in vain; maybe just a small crooked smile or considering whom he was thinking about, maybe a friendly sparkle in those dark eyes. He knew Spock was capable of emotions, his older self had shown him that much but the longer he spent trying to recreate what they had shared in a different life the more he was convinced that this was just going to be something else that he had lost along with his father and a good childhood.

"Hi Spock..." Jim said casually and he bit his lower lip when he realized that he had made yet another mistake because Spock stiffened even further and he could practically read the annoyance coming of his first officer in waves. For someone who pretended not to have any emotions, the Vulcan clearly knew how to convey his non-existing feelings through body language.

"Captain..." Spock turned around, politely inclining his head and Jim just rolled his eyes, "I told you to call me Jim..." He insisted, ignoring the diplomat right next to Spock because he wasn't here to make nice, he was here to talk to his friend and first officer. Surely no one could fault him for that.

"If you would excuse me..." Spock addressed the man beside him who just nodded in a friendly way and Jim flashed him a wide smile. Clearly no feathers had been ruffled apart from Spock's.

Jim sighed again, rubbing his forehead for a minute, missing the slightly concerned flicker passing over Spock's face.

By the time Jim was done, Spock's face was once again impassive, as if nothing had happened at all.

The silence stretched and Jim felt the almost juvenile need to just stand there and wait for Spock to say something and then just count _that_ as some sort of victory. However there were two problems with this plan: first, he was way too impatient to stay silent for long and second, Spock could out-silence anyone when he put his mind to it because for someone apparently so logical, the guy was the most stubborn man or Vulcan Jim had ever met.

Maybe that's why they had been such a good team and maybe that's why on away missions or when it really counted, they worked almost seamlessly together, it was just when they were off duty that their lack of communication and apparent total disinterest from Spock was unnerving him.

Maybe he was asking for too much...

"Uhm..." Jim started eloquently; smiling sheepishly. Of course that didn't work on Spock who just kept staring at him as if he was a particularly interesting piece of insect he wished to dissect or maybe step upon.

"How are you doing?" Jim cringed internally because that wasn't his best icebreaker yet because posing a question to a Vulcan that required an emotional response was really even too stupid for him.

He sighed, noticing how Spock had lifted one eyebrow, clearly wondering if Jim had any purpose being here at all.

Jim mentally filtered through a few questions but none seemed to be really suitable so he just tried the first one that wasn't as bad as the others. "Would you like to walk with me?" he said pointing towards a nearby entrance, "I was told that the space station has nice observation deck which gives a great view of the planet..."

If possible Spock's eyebrow just rose further and Jim's shoulders almost slumped in defeat because clearly that hadn't been a good question either.

He had no experience with this; usually when he chased after someone, be it woman or man, talking was one thing he excelled at but apparently all his skills were useless when it came to trying to connect with his first officer.

And he didn't even want to _bed_ Spock! He just wanted to be friends with him, because they could be good together, he knew that! The o_ther, older different reality version Spock_ had shown him that and while it was probably an accident that this much information had been revealed in the sudden mind meld, the knowledge wasn't something that Jim could just forget.

Mentally he back peddled and tried something else because if Spock was just being difficult – but deep down also felt that they could be friends – then he just needed an opening...just something to get them both talking and more comfortable around each other and then everything would follow naturally.

Truthfully he didn't have much experience when it came to friendships. His only friend and best friend so far had been (and still was) Dr. Leonard McCoy, who he had nicknamed Bones and which seemed to have stuck with the man.

Bones had a temper and he usually liked to chase him with hypos but apart from that fault he was the only other person who Jim trusted without a second thought.

If it meant something that in all his life he could only really name one person he really trusted then he wasn't prone to thinking about it because that train of thought could get anyone into a maudlin mood and that really wouldn't do for the youngest starship captain in Federation history.

"I just thought that we could spend some time together to get to know each other better..." Jim went with the honest approach because apparently all his subtle efforts at getting Spock to talk to him about anything that wasn't business related were doomed to fail.

He had to admit that maybe out of the last six months he had spent the first few being wary of Spock because the guy was a lot more experienced when it came to the administrative side of things. He had actually served on a starship before and his time spent as a teacher at the academy clearly gave him a better understanding on how things worked.

Jim had every confidence in himself to handle a crisis; he was good with thinking outside the box and getting things done but it was the daily tasks that he had difficulties with. His plan had always been to end up being a captain one day and while he had pushed himself very hard towards that goal, even he hadn't expected to receive the title after mutiny and more or less breaking every rule possible.

The outcome of course was what had tipped the scales in his favour but he was the first one to admit that maybe he hadn't been quite ready to captain a ship outside of dire circumstances. He would never admit that out loud of course, not even to Bones, but in the privacy of his own mind he wasn't so sure.

So the first few months he had been wary of Spock because if it had been anyone else, it could have been quite possible that Spock would have taken subtle revenge by tripping him up and by having him show his ignorance.

This of course was an illogical train of thought and Spock's behaviour had been nothing but supportive. They fought of course, Spock was nothing if not vocal in pointing out his errors but overall, Jim was grateful to have Spock on his ship and to have his support.

So when he had started to make tiny moves to break the ice between them, he hadn't thought much of it at first when Spock had refused to take the bait because even he knew that just because he wanted to breach months of just business behaviour that it wasn't going to happen over night.

That might be possible with a human colleague but definitely not with a Vulcan.

He had tried subtle; which of course hadn't worked because either Spock hadn't been able to read the signs or he had refused to see them. Then he had tried appealing to Spock's logical side of things, trying to rope him into sparring sessions, using the guise of _working out_ and _familiarizing with each other_ to get them to spend some off duty time together.

Spock though had logically pointed out that as he was so much stronger than Jim that sparring between them wouldn't be fair. Jim had countered that in life not many things were fair and that it would allow him to train against a much stronger opponent...However Spock hadn't seen the merit in that argument and that and that had been the death of that attempt.

Jim had then tried to casually catch Spock having breakfast, lunch or dinner but of course the Vulcan didn't understand the concept of socializing over food because food wasn't supposed to be a pleasure, it was a means to an end and therefore Jim's luck hadn't really turned with this attempt either.

He was well aware that most of his tries would have worked on a human but his hope had been that with all of Spock's logic he would be able to figure out what he was attempting to do and at least meet him half way.

However, despite Spock's superior intellect, he hadn't apparently been able to figure out what Jim had been up to and he was reaching the point where he was just too exhausted to think of another scheme and to just leave it be.

Maybe he was trying too hard...

But then again, weren't the really important things worth fighting for?

He seriously couldn't recall the last time, if ever, when he had fought for something this much and even Bones had started to notice his strange behaviour which wasn't a good sign.

Either Spock got with the plan soon or Jim would have to once again think outside the box because if Bones decided that Jim was ill, all hell would break lose and nothing was scarier than Bones in mother hen mode.

Jim had to admit that maybe Bones had a reason for being overprotective and concerned because apparently trouble just followed him around and it didn't help that he was allergic to almost anything but sometimes Jim thought that Bones took his protective instincts a little bit too far.

Then again it was also quite nice to be on the receiving end of affection for once, something he didn't really have all that much experience with.

He supposed his mother must have loved him at some stage; however the older he had gotten the more she had withdrawn from him until he had counted himself lucky if she showed up once a year to say hello.

His stepfather wasn't someone Jim liked to talk about and he had the nagging suspicion that Bones had deducted quite a few things by himself by observing him and by studying his medical records. His friend hadn't said anything but Jim was pretty certain that the abuse was evident in his files, if someone knew what to look for. After all, even a clumsy child could only fall so often...

His little stint on Tarsus IV when he had been thirteen hadn't endeared him to be trustful of people either, especially since it had been his stepfather's fault that he had been there. Frank, his step father, had wanted to be able to spent at least one summer without an interfering brat, so he had shipped him off to a distant relative of his and of course it had been Jim's luck that he had been in time to experience genocide personally. Clearly someone up there loved him.

Either way he was just thankful that his name had stayed off the official records which had been quite easy to manage, even for a young boy back then. When the rescue had come, everyone had been in shock, no one had been willing to believe what had really happened so records hadn't really been maintained all that well.

For once though Frank had come through for him because he had organized a private transport to bring him home. Or maybe it had been self-preservation because if his mother had found out that his stepfather had shipped him off to almost get killed and tortured, even a neglectful mother would've probably had to say something about _that_.

And Jim also considered himself lucky that Bones hadn't figured that one out yet because he could just imagine how his constant hovering would morph into a collar and leash.

Either way, Jim really had no experience in any sort of casual friendship or how to go about starting one and the infuriating Vulcan wasn't really making it easier for him either.

Why couldn't he just meet him half way?

"Captain..." Spock's tone of voice was even but Jim could've sworn he detected a hint of disapproval in it or maybe he was just getting paranoid but those things weren't mutually exclusive either. "Our task is to mingle and to just use a human term _butter people up_ for the sake of the Federation. Taking a stroll is not going to be conductive to this task."

Jim sighed; he should've seen it coming. Of course Spock wasn't going to wander off with him during a boring social event even though he was pretty sure no one would create a scene. They had been here for two hours already, surely that was enough.

He was just about to offer a stroll tomorrow morning when Spock continued talking, "And I also see no benefit in spending my time in your presence while staring at the planet through an observation window."

Jim's heart clenched but he was proud to admit that even he got the message. It might have taken him longer than most but he was hearing it loud and clear now: _I am not interested in being your friend_.

Seriously, he should've figured that out ages ago because someone as intelligent as Spock had clearly realized what he was up to and since Spock had refused to accept any invitation Jim had offered, it was really the only conclusion that was left.

Jim had been a moron and with a final sigh, Jim nodded. He blinked rapidly maybe once or twice because he seriously wasn't going to get all emotional about his friendship being refused because this was clearly Spock's loss and not his.

It still hurt to be rejected though, especially since he had put this much effort into it but even though he still didn't believe in no win scenarios, he knew when to retreat.

"I get it..." He snapped, voice maybe a little bit harsher than intended, "Loud and clear. Message received..."He waved his hand, fighting hard to keep his emotions in check because he had enough pride not to make a spectacle of himself and more importantly he wasn't going to allow to let Spock see just how much his rejection had actually hurt him.

He felt like a fool already and that was enough.

If Bones found out about this he would never hear the end of it...

"I'll leave you alone..." he even raised his hands to show that he was backing off and if he had been a moment slower he would've seen the look of confusion on Spock's face. Before the Vulcan could call Jim back though to clarify the misunderstanding, a nearby diplomat had seized the opportunity to talk to Spock and the Vulcan was polite enough to put duty before anything else.

Jim muttered to himself while pushing through the people, not caring if he offended someone because he needed a few moments in peace to collect himself.

Without any backward glance he stepped through the door and out onto the deserted hallway. He found his way to the observation deck easily enough and just as he had been promised, the view really was spectacular.

He sat down on one of the many benches, staring at nothing and he could only blame his distracted thoughts for not hearing the other man approach.

He only noticed when a warm hand landed high on his thigh, pushing him forcefully out of his gloomy state of mind.

Jim looked up, blue eyes unfocused for a moment before he recognized that an admiral of the Federation had sat down next to him. "Uhm...Admiral..." Jim offered as a greeting, a slight red blush on his cheeks because he had forgotten the man's name.

He still didn't like any form of authority but he was smart enough to realize that if he wanted to continue as Captain Kirk of the Enterprise then he would have to at least be polite and observe standard protocol when dealing with his superiors.

It was easier when he knew the people in question, like Admiral Pike because him he also respected but there were some men and women and aliens who were way too much like his stepfather: just loving to be in control and with no tolerance for anything new.

And everything about Jim and how he had become a captain was _new_ which automatically had earned him quite a lot of resentment. Right now he was almost untouchable because he was still the golden boy, the press loved him and loved writing about his crew and there was no point in denying and he and Spock, heroes of the Federation were the most sought out celebrities around.

He figured, killing Nero, saving what was left of Vulcan and saving Earth would do that but every time he reminded someone that this hadn't been just his or Spock's doing, this had been a team effort of the entire Enterprise crew he was just laughed at and being called modest.

Honestly he wished they would just get over it because it was quite tiring to be on the receiving end of admiration on one side and loathing for being the youngest captain on the other end.

"Kirk..."the man smiled at him but Jim wasn't fooled. There was no warmth in that smile and his instinct told him to plan a tactical retreat.

He wasn't so sure why but he wasn't going to ignore his instinct because it had kept him alive so far and right now it was telling him to get out and away from this man while logic told him that surely he had nothing to worry about from an admiral of the Federation.

"The name is Danner...don't you forget that..." the man still seemed to be in good humour but Jim didn't much like how his hand kept on creeping higher on his thigh until it was so high up that the man could almost grab his crotch.

"It was nice meeting you Admiral Danner..." Jim faked a smile and quickly got up, displacing the unwanted hand. "I think I should head back to the celebrations...if you would excuse me..." He tilted his head in a formal greeting and then he quickly walked to the door.

He could honestly say that he hadn't expected to be on the receiving end of violence so when he found himself grabbed and shoved back first into the wall he was too startled to really take any action.

He balled his hands into fists; ready to strike when the admiral's face came back into focus. "I would think twice about hitting a superior officer if I were you..." the man said calmly, his pale blue eyes almost icy cold. There was a strange glint in his eyes that told Jim to be careful so he marginally relaxed, allowing himself some precious minutes to asses the situation.

His back hurt from where he had been shoved into the wall but bruises were nothing new for him, he knew how handle those.

The admiral's intentions became crystal clear when the hand was back and this time it was copping quite a good feel through Jim's dress pants.

"Uhm..." was all he said because for once he was at a loss for words. "I believe this is classified as sexual harassment..." he finally stuttered out, proud of the fact that he was holding the other man's gaze and not showing just how un-nerved he was by the whole incident.

He was used to sexual advances and quite frankly, most of the time he welcomed them but there was a fine line between overt flirting and just forcing the issue and he was quite certain that this classified as _forcing the issue_.

And having a healthy libido usually ensured that even during questionable advances that he was always _up_ for the job. The last time he had actually been forced was quite a long time ago and he had come a long way from the lost little boy he had once been.

The admiral chuckled as if Jim had just cracked a rather good joke.

"With your reputation as a slut I am sure they would believe your claims over my protestations of innocence any time..." the man stated calmly, irony very obvious in his voice and Jim had to admit that it took a special kind of crazy to be grabbing his crotch in an almost painful grip and still laugh in the face of being accused of sexual harassment.

Still, he had to admit, the man had a point. This wasn't some unwanted advance in a bar, this was an admiral putting the moves on him at an official Federation event and Jim was smart enough to realize that if he gave his enemies enough ammunition they would roast him alive. And screaming sexual harassment from someone who prided himself on having slept with at least half of the cadets on campus back at the academy was clearly more of the unbelievable sort.

He sagged a little bit, showing his defeat while he was far from just bending over and letting the admiral have his way with him.

The admiral smiled, obviously thinking that he had won and when the man moved a little bit away, Jim took his shot. He didn't aim for the face, he didn't want to leave any obvious marks and frankly despite wanting to beat this man into a pulp for touching him, he knew that all he needed to do was get away from him and get back to the ball room.

Once he was amidst other people he would be fine...

He hit the shoulder, putting the larger man off balance and then he ducked right and dashed towards the exit. Not his proudest move, he prided himself on being a fighter and feeling like some damsel in distress wasn't something he would ever admit to anyone but if his life had taught him anything then it was to survive at all cost and that pride didn't really matter.

Pride had its place and he had more than enough to go around but when it came down to it, he would always choose survival over it.

He almost made it out of the door when he was once again yanked backwards and this time he was slammed face forward into the wall with the admiral pressing his own body onto his.

_Oh hell no..._Jim thought when he felt the hard bulge of the man's erection pressing into his ass and logic be damned, he wasn't going to stand for being molested like that. He reared back, the back of his head connecting forcefully with the admiral's head and then all bets were off.

He lashed out in earnest and when the man was finally on the ground he remembered that killing him wasn't an option so he just turned around and quickly made his way back to the ball room entrance.

A quick check in the mirror showed that there was no blood on him, that there was no outward sign of what had just happened, even though he no longer could suppress the slight trembling that was overtaking his body.

He scanned the crowed, looking for Bones, needing some comfort right now and his best friend, despite hovering and being sometimes annoying was the best man for the job. Plus he needed someone to give him some advise on how to take care of the situation because if the admiral pressed charges for assault then Jim would have a hard time convincing anyone that his actions had been justified, giving that there was no evidence to back him up.

Bones was nowhere to be found and Jim rolled his eyes at his absent friend because obviously he had found a way to escape the crowd and was enjoying some medicinal alcohol by now. Jim wished that he had stayed because then he would've probably left with Bones.

There was one other person though he trusted well enough to give him good advise, regardless of his failed attempts at friendship and that was Spock. He scanned the crowed again with his new target in mind and when he finally located Spock near the podium he quickly made his way over to him.

He really had no patience for diplomacy right now and he breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that Spock was extracting himself from the few people he was talking to, obviously expecting his arrival.

"Captain..." Spock greeted him with a formal nod of his head and Jim just rolled his eyes because when would the man stop being so formal? Even if they were never going to be friends, being this formal couldn't be anything but exhausting!

"Hypothetically Spock..." Jim started because he wasn't going to come out and say that he had been cornered and molested. He wouldn't even do that with Bones and he wasn't going to admit being surprised and almost taken advantage off in front of the always in control Spock either. He could often enough feel Spock's air of disapproval so he clearly didn't want to add to Spock's list of his faults. "If someone were to put his hands down my pants...should I report that?"

Jim's blue eyes were focused on Spock and for a moment he was certain he caught a whiff of confusion but it was gone so quickly that he wasn't sure if he was just projecting his own emotions onto Spock.

"Considering your history and your own preferences, I would suggest that you drop your pants and just enjoy the moment..." that was an uncommon statement coming from a Vulcan and it took Jim a few seconds to catch on to the fact that his first officer thought that he was a slut.

He blinked but the insult was still there and quite frankly he wasn't so sure why he was still offended because in a way it was true. He had been very sexually active during his life at the academy but didn't it count for something that he had practically lived like a monk ever since he had been put in charge of the Enterprise?

Because even though he had missed sex quite something fierce and even though people had offered more than once, even _he_ knew better than to sleep with his own crew! He might be young and reckless and he might have a lot of things to learn but he wasn't stupid and he knew first hand how abusing power over someone could lead to disaster.

He would never of course use his power as a captain to get someone to sleep with him but what if someone still felt coerced? He knew very well that you could force someone to do something even though that person didn't really want to so he wasn't going to risk that ever happening to someone under his command.

So for that last six months he had kept it inside his pants and while he hadn't expected a medal for his efforts he surely would've have expected for his efforts at restraint to be noted.

"You think I'm a slut?" Jim hissed out, eyes narrowing and for once he was certain that he wasn't imagining things when he saw a flash of something fluttering across Spock's handsome face. He had no idea what emotion he had just seen but right now he was too angry to care.

Here he was, asking for help and while he might have been rather cryptic about it, he really hadn't expected to be told _to just drop his pants_!

"So your advice would be to just _enjoy it_ because it's _me_ we're talking about and because no one would believe me anyway if the resident slut cried harassment?" Jim clarified and if a strange shift in the air hadn't taken his focus away from Spock he would've seen the slight green blush on his first officer's face and he would've seen the look of horror at what he had just revealed.

"Jim..." Jim's focus was elsewhere so it totally escaped his notice that Spock had just used his given name because something wasn't right and when a loud boom signalled a bomb going off, Jim reacted on instinct, throwing himself on the half Vulcan and covering his body with his own.

Spock after all belong to an endangered species now and he was also under Jim's command so it was Jim's duty to look out for him.

Even if he was an ass...

The world came rushing back to Jim even though it seemed as if time had slowed around him. In a dim corner of his mind he knew that this must be a side effect of shock but he was only barely aware of where he was when he crawled off Spock's body, turning around as if he was looking for something...

A hand gripped his arm but he shook it off, blue eyes focusing on someone running past an open entrance to the ballroom and before Jim could consciously think about it, he chased after the man.

He was reacting on instinct alone and his instinct hadn't steered him wrong so far. He had known something was wrong just moments before it had happened, giving him some time to react and the same instinct told him that the man he had seen running wasn't a scared survivor running away but someone responsible for the carnage around them.

Jim barely noticed the dead bodies left and right or how the once former ballroom was now in shambles, he didn't even think about the fact that there could be a hull breach somewhere and that the entire space station could be compromised.

His sole focus was on the chase and he didn't even hear Spock shouting his name nor did he hear his first officer running after him.

Jim barely saw the man coming out of nowhere to his right and it was only instinct once again that had him pulling back, missing getting bashed in the face by sheer luck.

He grabbed onto whatever the other man had tried to use as a weapon and with a sharp pull he managed to get it out of the man's grip.

He then wielded it around and started to use it for his own purposes and he was only barely aware that Spock growled somewhere next to him when something sharp connected with his back. One quick glance told him though that Spock was now fighting off two more men and within a few more seconds he had rendered his own attacker unconscious.

He was just about to help out Spock when his gaze fell onto the floor two stories below him. He took off running and not even hearing his name stopped him from jumping over the railing and aiming for the running man below.

He landed an almost killing blow and only with practised ease did he manage to ignore his own aching body. He couldn't ignore the short dizzy spell that followed though and it was this moment of disorientation that allowed a second man to creep up on him.

He vaguely wondered just how many intruders there were on the space station when something hit him in the head and when he was being dragged across the floor, it took all his efforts to fight off the encroaching darkness.

Someone was once again yelling his name but it was all just a big blur to him at this stage and when he heard the familiar hiss of a space door closing he knew that he had just landed himself in an even bigger mess than being harassed by an admiral.

He was being kidnapped.

And in his own experience _that_ never ended well for him.

"Why didn't you just kill him?" someone hissed and Jim fought valiantly to open his eyes, to get some sort of bearing as to where he was but all he noticed was that he was lying on his side, that his body was aching and that his hands were bound behind his back.

"He's coming around..." someone else said and then he felt the familiar hiss and stab of a hypo before the world started to swim again.

It was strange really how everything managed to get fuzzy even though his eyes were closed and he wanted to tell his kidnappers that if they wanted to keep him alive then they were better of not injecting strange substances into his body because he was usually deadly allergic to most drugs out there and they might just end up killing him by accident.

His tongue though was dried up and there was a strange taste in his mouth and even though he tried, he couldn't even muster up a cough.

Not good...not good at all...

"Don't you know who this is?" someone said and honestly Jim was passed the stage where he could distinguish one voice from the other, everyone sounded the same right now and he barely felt when he was gabbed by his blond hair and his head got yanked off the ground, "This is Jim Kirk...people will pay good money to be able to own the golden boy of the Federation..."

Jim didn't know if he should count himself lucky that his rather annoying title was keeping him alive or if he should've chosen death but thankfully he didn't have to make any decision because suddenly the chatter stopped and there was frantic shouting and just an awful lot of noise.

He blinked, unsure of just how much time had passed when he heard another hiss, sounding suspiciously like a space door again.

His head was suddenly yanked again, someone was pulling his body upwards and then a knife was pressed to his throat.

He laughed a little bit, probably sounding and looking quite insane at this stage because it never stopped to amaze him that regardless of how advanced human weaponry got, the good old weapons never really went out of style.

Like hitting someone over the head or like a good old, sharp knife.

"I'll kill him..." the man behind him hissed and Jim just managed another laugh because if he wanted the honour of killing him the man needed to get in line. The laugh followed by a sudden totally unexpected coughing fit which startled the man and the next thing Jim heard was an almost inhuman growl and then he fell forward, scraping his face on the hard floor.

"Umpf..." was all he said and then he blacked out.

"Careful..." a familiar voice said followed by the hiss of a tricorder. "There's no telling what they gave him and I'm sure he managed to get hit in the head..." and after a moment the man mumbled, barely audible, "He _always_ gets hit in the head...it's a wonder he's got any brain cells left..."

Bones...

Jim smiled, unsure if that smile was just internally or not but it didn't matter because now that he knew that his friend was here, looking after him, he could finally surrender to the darkness around him because he was safe.

He might not be alright, his body was hurting and his head felt fuzzy but at least no one was going to harm him and that was a small comfort to be had.

He was out again before he could feel Spock's presence by his side, hovering almost as much as his doctor.

He was aware a few times of people around him, of medical orders being barked, of Bones' gruff orders for him to wake up or to hang on and then there was the familiar hiss of medical equipment followed by sharp pains in his body.

He was aware a few times but he never really regained consciousness until now. He slowly opened his blue eyes, blinking against the harsh glare of the medical bay and even without looking around he realized that he was no longer in the space station. Bones must have brought him back onboard his own ship and he was grateful for that.

The place was oddly silent and it took Jim a few minutes to deduct that it must be the middle of the night because apart form some medical equipment hissing in the background he couldn't really hear anything.

It was strange that Bones wasn't hovering nearby but then again even a dedicated mother hen and doctor like his friend needed to sleep at some stage so clearly he had the misfortune of waking up at a bad moment.

And maybe it wasn't such a bad moment because it gave him some time order his thoughts and to think about what had happened.

His life really couldn't be considered dull because it was just his luck that he would attend a diplomatic gathering which ended up getting bombed. He wondered why someone would've done that and if there were many casualties and if he had lost some of his own crew.

Only the senior staff had been invited but lots of other crew members had beamed down to the space station for some time off and there was no telling just how much damage the bomb had done.

He had barely stopped to register all the carnage around him and in retrospect it was a sheer miracle that he hadn't been injured.

On second thought he realized that maybe he had been injured, he had been just too stubborn to accept the fact, something that Bones really enjoyed giving out about. Jim's ability to push pain aside was something that infuriated the doctor because Bones insisted that pain was there for a reason, telling him to stop while Jim disagreed.

It wasn't as if wanted to ignore pain on purpose but life didn't stop just because he was injured and if he had a job to do then he wasn't going to stop doing it just because he got a little banged up. Of course Bones always argued that Jim's definition of _a little banged up_ was down right screwed up and he often pointed out that Jim was suicidal but quite honestly Jim didn't see it that way.

He would've died a long time ago if he had just given up because he had gotten hurt. He would only stop if he literally couldn't move any more and until then, he wasn't going to give up. It simply wasn't within him and he considered being able to push pain aside as a much needed talent.

He mused that his horrible childhood was at least good for something because it had taught him to ignore pain and to just work through it. Bruises barely even registered with him any more and that was yet another topic that Bones could really complain about quite frequently.

Jim only listened with half an ear because if he were starting to take his friend seriously then he would have to consider himself royally screwed up and probably unfit to command and while he was the first to admit that maybe he was slightly damaged, it really wasn't quite as bad as Bones liked to make it out.

His friend just liked to worry; it was how he showed he cared...

He slowly sat up, noticing that the pain in his body was less which meant that whatever Bones had done, it had obviously worked. His head still felt fuzzy but that effect was bound to pass soon enough.

He wanted to get up and check up on some reports but when he tried to move the whole room started to spin so he decided that since it was the middle of the night, it might be a good idea to just rest for a while longer. He had lots of reports to finish and someone surely wanted a report on what had happened and the sooner he got that done the better.

He was just about to drift off into sleep again when he heard footsteps approaching.

It was his fault really that he associated the Enterprise with _home _and with _being safe_ because when he finally opened his eyes, expecting to see a familiar, friendly face, he found himself staring up at Admiral Danner.

Jim blinked but the man didn't just vanish into thin air and it must have been due the recent ordeal or medication that he was on because by the time he finally managed to react, the man had reached forward and emptied a hypo spray into his neck.

Jim still tried to struggle but when his body slowly refused to heed his command he knew that he was fighting a losing battle.

He once again wondered who he had pissed off to be on the receiving end of so much bad karma.

And what it was about _him_ that always made people want to hurt him...

Granted, the first disaster in his life wasn't his fault; it wasn't even Spock's fault because the old man had tried to save Nero's home planet and it had been just sheer bad luck that he had arrived too late.

Then again, one could argue that because of that, his life had been turned up side down for the worse but then again that would probably make him sound really crazy because contrary to what some believed, the world didn't evolve around him and he most certainly didn't think so either.

Still, his father's death had saved many people and it had also changed the course of his life.

Spock's life, he supposed, had been changed too because the universe had turned a little less tolerant towards aliens after the Narada incident and a hybrid like Spock would surely have felt that too.

Vulcans were all about logic but Jim had seen enough to know that logic and cruelty often went hand in hand and even though Spock would probably never admit to it, he was pretty certain that they had a miserable childhood in common.

Either way, when he had met the older Spock, the version from the previous time line, it was the first time in his life that he had felt loved, that he had felt someone care about him and it had touched something deep inside him that he hadn't known that existed.

Ever since then he had been craving the same sort of acceptance from his own Spock and he figured that this was yet another reason for his pathetic attempts at building a friendship with the stoic Vulcan.

Well, he was cured of that notion now, he knew when to just let go and clearly _his_ Spock had no interested in him what so ever and Jim was done making a fool out of himself.

He had no experience in reaching out to people and the one time he had really tried he had been shut down and he wasn't about to keep putting himself out there when he received nothing in return.

Still it would've been nice to be loved...

A sharp pain almost brought him back the world and he was just conscious enough to notice that he was being strapped down on a bed of sorts with his hands and legs bounds.

He tried to struggle, his brain comprehended that much but it was futile and the moment he tried, something was once yet again injected into his body.

At this rate he was going to be dead from an adverse reaction to whatever Danner was giving him and maybe that was going to be a blessing because Jim had the sneaking suspicion that there was a lot more wrong with the admiral than just having a sexual urge.

"I'm going to remember you..." the man whispered into Jim's ear and even though he didn't want to give Danner the satisfaction of flinching he couldn't stop himself.

"You're pretty enough...you won't be my last...but I'll remember you..."

Something clearly told Jim that he also wasn't Danner's _first_ – whatever _that_ meant.

The pain that followed was almost too much to handle; it rolled in waves over his body and mind and at some point, Jim found himself shutting down, searching for the corner in his mind where he would be safe, where the outside world would be nothing but a distant memory.

He followed the path until the pain ebbed away. He could still feel it, lingering on the edge of his awareness but it was no longer overwhelming him.

_Jim?_

Jim was confused. Was someone calling for him?

_Pain_...he said, lips never moving, _it hurts so much...please make it stop..._

Whatever brief connection he had shared vanished in an instant and Jim was once again in his body, pain flaring up and for once in his life, he yearned for darkness. Maybe he had found the one instant were giving up was the only option left...

"What did that bastard do to him?"

"Jim? Jim?" the voice was frantic now, "Can you hear me? Jim? Answer me damn it!"

Jim honestly tried but he was too tired. His body was throbbing with the echo of pain and while he was still lucid enough to realise that no more new pain was inflicted, the damage was already done and he was quite certain that there was not one part of him that wasn't currently screaming in agony.

The convulsions came out of nowhere, the coughing and fighting to take one single breath was exhausting and he almost lost his will to try if he someone hadn't been constantly shouting at him to keep on fighting.

He knew that voice but he couldn't put a name to it and it didn't really matter. Eventually the darkness claimed him again.

"He nearly killed him..."

"But he isn't dead yet doctor..." someone answered in a cool tone of voice, all precise and emotionless and Jim had the feeling that he should know who that voice belong to just as he should know the other man shouting back at the composed one.

"He nearly overdosed him on sedatives and Jim's highly allergic to those and don't even get me started on the damage he did to his body...that bastard was insane!"

"I believe a formal investigation will be able to proof your diagnosis..."

"You pointy eared bastard! How can you stand there and worry about some investigation when Jim's lapsed into a coma!"

Coma?

Jim frowned internally because he couldn't remember falling into a coma but then again, would he remember if he had?

He twitched, trying to prove to himself that he was still there and he nearly jumped out of skin when the voice suddenly materialized next to him.

"Jim? Jim?" it was Bones, Jim finally realized and he had no idea why he hadn't recognized his friend sooner. Maybe this time his head had really ended up scrambled?

"Stay with me Jim...just stay with me..."

But Jim was drifting again and even the encouraging shouts of the good doctor or the calm voice of a stoic Vulcan couldn't get him to linger.

"What is exactly wrong with him?"

"Jim's fighting to wake up...the amount of sedatives that were shot into his body almost killed him and that's not even counting the allergic reactions he had to them. Physically he will heal; I mended the broken bones and the various cuts on his body have been taken care of but mentally he had no choice but retreat and right now, he is in a coma but it is more or less of his own doing."

"Isn't a coma something that the patient has no choice over?"

"That would be correct but this isn't a coma in the strictest medical sense. Jim has simply shut down and this is why we need to encourage him to wake up. Every time he moves or gives any indication that he is awake or close to being awake, we need to tell him that he is safe and that he can wake up."

"So it's mental condition then..."

"Don't make him sound as if he is crazy...lesser men would've have just given up but Jim's a fighter, he hung in there long enough for Spock to trace Danner and despite everything else, he's still there. He will wake up, he just needs time..."

"And encouragement..."

"Yes..."

"But there's a chance that he might not?"

"Yes..."

Jim was aware of his surroundings, at least to some degree.

Conversations washed over him; he could hear Bones talking to him and he could've sworn that even Spock sat by his side a few times, encouraging him to wake up.

It was really bizarre but despite Jim's own attempts at trying to open his eyes, he just found that he simply didn't have the strength for it.

Something was keeping him under and he almost didn't notice that every time awareness flooded back over his senses that the lucid moments lasted longer and longer.

One time he found his fingers twitching and before he knew what had happened, a strong grip caused his eyelids to flutter.

"Doctor?" it was Spock's voice and that was enough to really make Jim want to wake up because surly it couldn't be Spock by his side holding his hand.

And sure enough, Spock removed his hand and Jim stopped trying.

Touch telepaths apparently didn't even want to touch people who were in a coma...

"Jim?" Bones' voice was almost pleading sending spikes of fear through Jim's body because what if he had been in a coma for too long? What if Bones was going to give up on him? What would happen then?

Jim tried, his eyelids fluttered again and Bones just kept on mumbling encouragements but it was Spock's sudden voice by his side that finally caused Jim to open his eyes.

Blue eyes blinked up, unfocused but he didn't miss the ecstatic look on Bones' face and even Spock looked oddly pleased – as pleased as a Vulcan could manage.

Jim licked his lips, blue eyes slowly falling shut again and even the frantic shouts of Bones couldn't stop him.

"Don't...Jim...come on...stay with us..."

There was a sudden beep from behind or above him and then Jim's body almost took off the bed. He was shaking, his fingers were trying to clutch something to keep him steady but nothing was working and he was running out of breath...

And then darkness descended once again...

Jim was really getting tired of this...and his stubborn streak flared to life deep inside him, igniting his fire, causing him to fight even though he wasn't consciously aware that he was doing it.


	2. Chapter 2

This is Chapter 2. Hopefully you will enjoy it...same warnings and AN apply, please see Chapter 1 for the details...

**II – A Change Of Heart**

"Who are you?" Bones' annoyed tone could wake anyone and it was precisely at that moment that Jim was slowly returning to consciousness.

He knew that he was in bad shape; he didn't need to be fully coherent to figure that one out but after having crashed the last time he had tried to open his eyes he was really quite wary to try it again.

It was ridiculous of course but after the day from hell he had just experienced he couldn't be blame for being over cautious.

"Suvok." came the stoic answer and Jim wondered why a strange Vulcan would try and bother Bones in his sick bay.

The rest of the conversation was muffled and it could've been that Jim passed out again, either way when he slowly found the strength to open his eyes, he found Bones looking down on him.

He gave a little start because that was just unsettling but then his eyelids fluttered open again, revealing his cerulean eyes.

"I've had a bad day..." Jim slowly formed the words and he could see Bones' need to swat him over the head for it but instead his friend just decided to run some diagnostics instead.

Jim was about to close his eyes when he felt his hand being held.

"You're out of the woods now Jimmy..." Bones quiet voice for once told him more than his screaming because it showed just how tired his friend was and just how close he had come to not waking up again. "Your readings have improved and I think most of the drugs are out of your system now...you'll be in some pain but I don't dare give you anything for it...not right now..."

Bones sounded apologetic for it and Jim would probably feel very sorry for himself soon but quite honestly being drug free was quite a relief because he couldn't quite remember the last coherent thought that he had had.

His thinking was still muffled in a way but it was good to know that he was on the mend. Even if he didn't quite feel like it, he trusted the Bones wouldn't lie to him, not when it came to his health.

He wetted his lips, still conscious that someone was holding his hand but all his focus was on his friend because apparently right now the ability to multi task was escaping him. "What happened?" he slowly asked and he saw Bones looking quite unhappy with the question.

"Let's not worry about that for now..." Bones was now petting his hair, which had Jim widening his eyes because he couldn't recall the last time when someone had petted his hair. "Spock will surely give you a full report once you're better, for now just rest...can you do that?" _for me_...was implied and Jim just nodded, feeling quite tired all of sudden again.

Maybe all the questions could indeed wait for a bit...

He slowly opened his eyes again and for the first time he wondered just how much time had actually passed. He had no idea if his naps or loss of consciousness (or coma, as per Bones) had lasted hours or days.

He could've been passed out for a few minutes but something in the way Bones had urged him to _wake up_ told him that he must have been unconscious for quite some time.

Bones always fretted but there had been a certain urgency to his voice that was unprecedented, telling Jim without so many words just how dire the situation had really been.

He became aware again that someone was holding his hand so he slowly re-directed his line of sight towards the person sitting in a chair next to his bed.

His blue eyes widened when he saw no other but the older version of Spock, sitting calmly in the chair, staring at him as if he had nothing better to do.

Jim blinked again, trying to decide whether he was seeing things or if Spock was really here and when he spoke the older man's name out loud he was immediately corrected, "It is Suvok now..." he was informed and it took Jim a few seconds to understand that he wasn't supposed to call Spock by his name because no one was supposed to know who he really was.

If anything were to show him just how messed up he still was then it would be this because usually he wasn't this slow on the uptake of things.

"What are you doing here?" Jim eventually asked, searching his mind for any information but he came up with nothing.

To his information Spock had been on New Vulcan and it made no sense at all for him to be here now.

"Do you remember reaching out to me?" Spock said calmly but his eyes were burning with an intensity that made Jim almost uneasy but not necessarily in a bad way.

He frowned, shaking his head slightly because he couldn't recall calling the man and surely if he had been unconscious he couldn't have gotten up and actually invited him to come here.

It was then he remembered the strange presence in his mind, when he had been fighting the pain, looking for a way to shield himself, he recalled someone calling his name, startled even but that really made not a lick of sense.

Jim became aware that Spock was still holding on to his hand, his thumb slowly caressing the inside of his palm while his other hand was placed much higher on his wrist.

There was something about _hands and Vulcans_ that nudged at his mind but he was already shutting his eyes again before that thought could take hold.

Before he close his eyes though he opened them again to hear the older Spock say one word, "T'hy'la."

Jim's confusion was now evident, his blue eyes hiding nothing and his gaze was so locked onto the older Spock that he barely heard the gasp from his other side.

He did hear his own Spock's heated words though, which was strange because the Vulcan usually had a lot more control than that, "Get your hands of my captain..."

Jim blinked again, his blue eyes now darting back to his own Spock who still stood stiff and stoic but his eyes betrayed him. There was a firestorm going on in those dark eyes of his and Jim involuntarily flinched because he remembered the last time Spock had looked like that. That was when Jim had tried to get him to admit that he was emotionally compromised, which had ended with him getting strangled.

It took him a few seconds to decipher that this time around the heated glare wasn't directed at him but at the older Spock and only then panic set in because those two weren't supposed to meet. Hadn't the older Spock said that the universe would implode or something like that if his younger version found out about him?

"Uhm..." Jim slowly clearly his throat and he felt slightly uncomfortable when now two sets of dark eyes were focused on him.

"Don't distress yourself, my friend..." said the older Spock while Jim mentally ordered himself to call him Suvok from now on because if he got used to it then the chances of him slipping up would be reduced. "Spock knows who I am. As a matter of fact we met before..."

Jim blinked, the implications finally settling in. "You lied to me?" he hissed, heart beat speeding up and he was barely aware that he was setting off another row of monitors because for a second there he thought that the beeping was happening inside his head.

"I implied...it was imperative that you and Spock learned to work together and that you became the Captain of the Enterprise...Vulcans do not lie..."

Jim was about to call Suvok on his bullshit because while he might be able to justify it to himself as implying_,_ the truth of it was that he had still lied to him.

"Please remove yourself." Spock said, voice carrying across the sick bay, "You're upsetting the Captain..."

"What's going on here...?" Bones was already back, tricorder in hand and Jim was only glad that his current situation prevented Bones from injecting him with yet another hypo when the beeping above his head geared up a notch.

He tried to tilt his head back, trying to figure out what was going on because he felt just fine. Maybe a little bit floaty, if that was word but otherwise just fine...

Was the light dimming?

Why were his ears ringing?

Was this never going to end?

"What about no excitement was so hard to understand?" Bones hissed but Jim was already fading so he couldn't figure out whom his friend was mad at.

At least for once Bones wasn't screaming at him.

And who was excited?

Surely it wasn't him...

He might be a little bit upset at finding out that someone he trusted had lied to him but surely that couldn't be the cause for all of this?

"Bones I'm bored, " Jim whined but it was of no use. His friend was shaking his head, not giving into Jim's pleading looks.

"No."Bones said firmly, "You're not allowed to have any visitors until you're better..."

"But I'm fine, "Jim protested, trying to prove it by getting out of bed only to end up in Bones' arms when the room started spinning around him.

"You're not fine yet...but you will be..." Bones assured, "But until then and until you manage not to get agitated when those two Vulcan's show up, you're not allowed any company..."

"But surely Sulu or Checkov would like to stop by..." Jim tried to talk Bones out of his idea of solitary confinement but his friend wasn't hearing any of it.

"No, Jim...this is my final word as your doctor...you've been through an ordeal, you need the rest and apparently visitors upset you...just relax and rest."

Jim pouted because this was easier said than done and for once his pleading looks had no effect what so ever on his friend.

How was he supposed to relax and avoid getting agitated when he was bored out of his mind?

He wasn't even allowed a datapad so he was reduced to just lying there, listening to music.

_Arghhh!_

Jim fidgeted with the hem of his shirt; not because he was nervous, Jim Kirk doesn't _do_ nervous, he might be slightly apprehensive but that was about it.

"Look..." Bones didn't seem to be too happy with this situation either but for once Jim wasn't going to try to make this easier on his friend.

Talking served nothing apart from dredging up unwanted memories – he was coping, he was _fine_ and it wasn't as if he could actually remember what Danner had done to him apart from the excruciating pain.

"This wasn't my idea but life goes on and apparently Starfleet really wanted us to do a supply run to Vulcan..." Bones still hadn't gotten to the point and Jim just stared, taking a small comfort in the fact that he made his friend even more uneasy.

"I'm not a psychologist but I'm apparently the only one qualified on this ship for you to talk about what happened and as you know, this is a regulation and Pike himself made sure that we follow it...so talk..."

Jim sighed; he knew that being stubborn about this didn't really prove anything and despite taking some delight in making Bones sweat for it, he knew that this was counter productive. If Bones just got a little doubt that he was unfit for command Bones would write it up and that would be the end of Jim Kirk, Captain.

And his friend wouldn't even be sorry about it...

"Look..." Jim finally said something, rubbing his chin to buy himself some time to order his thoughts, "I know that this wasn't your idea and I get it..."

Pleading blue eyes locked with Bones' own but his friend didn't take the bait. Jim sighed again, continuing, "I don't like talking about my _feelings_..." the way Jim emphasised the word _feelings_ clearly indicated just how much he hated the notion and Bones just nodded because his friend knew very well what Jim thought about _sharing and caring_.

It wasn't that they never talked about stuff but it usually involved quite an enormous amount of booze giving them an out the next morning to pretend that last night had never happened. That was working for them and Jim really didn't want to change that habit but he knew that this wasn't Bones' call.

This was regulation and he would have to give his friend something to write up; and it would have to be believable.

"And I don't even remember what happened..." Jim offered and even he knew that this wasn't going to be good enough but he still had to try.

"You don't remember?" Bones said and Jim fidgeted on his chair because from the look Bones was sending his way, he might have just revealed something that his friend didn't like.

"I remember the pain..." Jim said slowly, closing his eyes, trying to think back even though he rather would not. "I remember waking up and being too disoriented to put up any fight when he knocked me out...and then..." Jim paused for a moment; the silence heavy in the room and for once Bones didn't fill it with words.

"Then...I remember being strapped to a bed, tied up and then...there was just pain...I remember thinking that I needed to go somewhere...that I needed to get away from the pain...and then there is just...nothing...lots of bits and pieces about you and others...until I woke up here..."

Jim opened his eyes, blue eyes unfocused for a moment and unfortunately Bones didn't seem all too happy with what he had revealed.

Something occurred to Jim that he hadn't thought of before and his breath hitched. What if...?

"Did...did he...? Uhm..." Jim was reluctant to spell it out but in the end, he had no choice, "Did he rape me?"

He averted his eyes and he already feared the worst when he heard the sharp intake of breath from Bones but then the next few words reassured him, "No Jim...he didn't...he tortured you but he didn't get that far..."

Jim frowned because that sounded as if he had gotten that far with someone else.

"He said that I wasn't going to be his last...what did he mean by that?" Jim asked and even though his friend looked reluctant to talk about it, in the end he gave in.

And Jim was glad because he had a right to know why he had been taken and what had happened.

"It was Spock who put it all together..." Bones finally said, "I don't know how but that green blooded bastard figured it all out and tracked you down..."

Jim just nodded and his friend continued, "You weren't Danner's first and you surely wouldn't have been his last...He was...the Carver..."

The way Bones pronounced that name told Jim that the title should mean something to him and when he frowned and shook his head Bones threw his hands up in the air, looking exasperated.

"Don't you do anything but chase skirts around? Don't you follow the news?"

Jim just shrugged because he might read the headlines but he figured that his job was important enough and if there was anything that concerned him, there would be a memo or Spock would tell him. He had better things to do with his spare time than to follow the news.

"The Carver killed his first victim about five years ago...carved her up real good and before you there were two others...and yes, the others were sexually assaulted but thankfully Spock got to you before it got that far..."

Jim felt some sort of relief wash over him because there had been a part of him that had wondered what he could've possibly done to make Danner come after him but the man clearly had been deranged long before he had met him so this really hadn't been his fault at all.

"Good..." Jim sighed, torture was bad enough but it would've really pissed him off if the lunatic had gotten him in the end. It wouldn't really have been his fault but it would've really made him mad.

"It's not like I don't know how to deal with it but I'm better coping with pain and bruises than _that._.." Jim said quietly, not really thinking about what he was saying and he only realized when the words were out of his mouth that he might have given away too much.

"Uhm...not that I'm used to any of it..." he flailed, trying to make up for his little slip, "You know what I mean...I'm just reckless, getting hurt a lot...nothing to worry about, right?"

He lifted his blue eyes to look hopefully at his friend but sadly Bones was way to intelligent to fall for it.

"Jim..." Bones said gravely and by the quiet tone of his voice he knew that he was in trouble now. "Do you mean to tell me that you've been raped before?"

"Uhm..." Jim fidgeted again on his seat.

He could just lie but even he knew that from the way he looked, all uncomfortable and shifty that it would have to be a rather good one and right now he wasn't coming up with anything that his good friend would believe.

"Look..."he said instead, "It was a long time ago...I can't even really remember it...the whole few months is sort of just a blur, and it's not really relevant now, now is it?" he was smiling his most winning smile but it faltered when Bones got up, pacing his office, clearly agitated.

"There is nothing in your records indicating more than just standard abuse..." Bones muttered and then added, "Not that there is anything _standard _about abuse...but you know what I mean..."

Sadly Jim knew what Bones meant but he was done talking now because look where _that_ had gotten him!

"Look after the rescue, records weren't really all that well kept and I guess Frank, my step father really wanted to make sure that my mother didn't find out...so there aren't any records for you to find..."

Jim blinked, had he really just said that?

Had he lost his mind?

Because if Bones had looked upset before, now he was downright agitated and for the life of Jim really couldn't see a way out of this apart from running away and Jim hadn't run from a single thing in his life yet!

He decided that the best way to approach this was to nip it in the butt, to just come out and tell Bones what had happened and then his friend could see for himself that he was _fine_ and hopefully that would put the whole thing to rest and he could go back to his life, ignoring his own demons.

It had worked for him so far so clearly it was working.

"I was on Tarsus IV, Bones..." he said evenly even though he didn't feel calm at all, "I was thirteen I think at the time and I was only there for a few months...but that was enough...Frank just got tired of me and he sent me away for the summer. Was just my bad luck that he picked _that _summer..."

Bones paled even further but the pacing had stopped and Jim wasn't so sure if that was a good sign or not.

"Can we _not _talk about this please?" Jim was pleading now but unfortunately Bones had other ideas because his friend walked over, pulled up a chair and then sat down right in front of him, making sure that Jim couldn't just run away.

Not that he really could've because the nurses out there were on strict orders not to let him leave and he was still shaky enough on his legs that he wouldn't really have gotten far anyway.

"Bones...I'm fine..." Jim tried again and he unprepared for his friend to grab his shoulder and to give him a good shake.

"Auwww...stop that..." Jim pushed his friend's hands away but the doctor's stormy eyes still held him in place regardless, "You're not _fine_ Jim." Bones said, "You can't be."

"Look..." Jim said, tiredly rubbing his eyes because this conversation was getting old and while he understood that his friend was prodding and sticking his nose into things where he shouldn't be because he cared, it didn't make Jim like the topic any better. "I admit that I had nightmares for years...still do sometimes..." he said slowly, "and I'm not saying that the memories aren't awful...but mostly I was just hungry back then...trying to stay alive anyway I could..."

And Bones was smart enough to read between the lines and put two and two together even though Jim hadn't actually spelled out the words. There wasn't much a thirteen old boy could do to get some food when a whole planet was starving but the one thing that Jim would've been able to sell was himself and Bones had seen enough of Jim to know that as boy, blond and blue eyed, he must have appeared like eye candy to some freaks.

"I stayed alive, "Jim added with more force, "I learned how to survive and how to move on and I'm not trying to say that it was easy but I'm still _here._.."Jim pointed at himself, raising an eye brow to show that he wasn't some victim here hiding in the bushes and crying his eyes out.

"You're not _fine_ Jim..." Bones said again, "I finally understand where your suicidal tendencies come from and quite frankly for all his arguing, the hobgoblin you call your first officer is always right behind you. He's probably just as messed up in his Vulcan mind as you are, he's just hiding it better."

When had this changed from _poor Jim_ to _let's hate Spock_?

"Please...can we stop talking about it?" Jim pleaded because this was making him really uncomfortable and quite frankly it was in the past; there was nothing to be done about it. The events had shaped him into the man he now was and while, if given a choice, he would rather not have gone through all of it, he couldn't change it now.

"I'll give you that..." Bones said slowly, finally getting up from the chair, "You got some good coping mechanisms which is why I won't be recommending that you need any counselling..."

But before Jim could express his gratitude Bones had to ruin it by saying, "On one condition...you talk to me if you can't sleep. I know when you show up at breakfast after a sleepless night and if I catch you doing it again without having come to me first, I will make sure that you regret it."

Jim sighed; he didn't like it but he knew that Bones meant it.

"Fine, "he said, "Can I now go back to my quarters?"

Bones rolled his eyes, "Maybe tomorrow I will release you but only if you promise me not to exhaust yourself."

Jim rolled his eyes, Bones made it sound as if he didn't know what was good for him.

He woke up silently gasping for air and he barely noticed that he was clenching the bedspreads between his fingers, nearly ripping it apart.

The nightmare was still clinging to the edges of his mind but it was fading quickly and thankfully no one had been around to see it. He had learned the hard way not to make any sound when he woke up and he was really thankful for it now because he knew that Bones was around and he didn't want to give his friend any excuse to keep him in sick bay for a few days longer.

Even though he gave his friend grief about returning to work, he knew that he wasn't yet ready for it but that didn't mean that he had to admit it out loud. Once he was in his own quarters he could at least get some paper work done because the world didn't slow down for anyone and least of all for the youngest captain in Starfleet.

He slowly unclenched his fingers, closing his eyes and willing his body to relax.

Eventually he drifted off to sleep again.

"I can walk on my own..." Jim insisted but apparently Spock was deaf because he was still there, hovering close enough to almost be invading his personal space.

For once Jim was grateful that Spock was a touch telepath because he was quite certain that anyone else would have grabbed his hand and tried to _walk _him to his own quarters as if he were a dog.

"Of course Captain..." Spock inclined his head but Jim wasn't fooled. Spock was humouring him because he still hadn't moved and given him more space.

Jim sighed, slowly making his way forward, smiling at the crew members who passed him and it took him a few minutes to figure out why no one stopped to talk to him because Spock was behind him and apparently he was sending out none-existing Vulcan glares to anyone who even hinted at stopping.

"Stop it Spock, "Jim said, "If someone wants to talk to me they can...stop frightening my crew away..."

Jim didn't have to turn around to know that one eyebrow got raised but Spock didn't fool him, he knew what his first officer was up to but what he couldn't figure out was why.

For six months Spock had ignored him and now that he had been released he was hovering around as if Bones had implanted him with a worry chip. To be honest it was slightly freaking him out and he was looking forward to some time on his own.

He keyed in the combination and his door opened. He took a few tentative steps forward and when he finally reached the sofa, he sat down, momentarily closing his eyes.

He had come a long way; physically he was mostly healed but his body had gone through so much in such a short period of time that even the best medication hadn't been able to allow him to just bounce back from it.

His body was still healing and apparently that took a lot of energy which resulted in him sleeping for hours on end, if he didn't have any nightmares, and feeling generally just weak.

He hadn't bothered to figure out exactly what injuries he had sustained because it was bad enough that he still remembered the echoes of pain, he didn't really need to be able to associate them with anything physical and _real_.

It was obvious to him though that his knees and legs must have suffered some sort of injuries because his right leg was giving him some trouble while standing and even though Bones assured him that he just needed to get used to it again, bone and muscle regeneration apparently only could do so much, he still was put out by it because it made him unsteady on his feet.

He opened his eyes, slowly pulling his shirt over his head, deciding on the spot that he was going to have a shower and it was only when he had pulled his shirt over his head that he nearly suffered a heart attack because Spock was still with him in the room, standing there silently.

"Spock!" Jim gasped, heart racing, "What are you trying to do? Kill me?"

Spock managed to look puzzled while not moving at all but Jim was on to the man so he just glared right back. "What are you doing here?" he demanded to know and before he could discharge his shirt, Spock had grabbed it out of his hands, was folding it and then neatly putting it down on chair.

"Dr. McCoy asked me to keep you company and since I am not required on the bridge until tomorrow morning, I thought it best to continue my work from here."

Jim just gaped because he couldn't believe it. He had finally been released only to end up with a baby sitter and Spock on top of it!

Only a week or so ago he would've probably jumped with joy at the chance to spend some time with his first officer, to get the chance to talk but all he felt now was irritation because Spock didn't even like him, to him he wasn't even worth any effort to start a friendship with and now he was here babysitting him?

Jim took a deep breath, vowing not to let the Vulcan get to him. If Spock could ignore him then he could do the same thing.

"Fine..." he managed to say, "I'm going to take a shower. Make yourself at home..." he waved with his hand around and then he slowly walked over to the bathroom.

"Do you need any company?" Spock offered and after Jim recovered from a coughing fit he just shook his head.

"Thanks..." he said, "I think I can shower on my own and you know..." he smiled desperately, "If I do end up on my ass I am sure your sensitive ears will hear me...so I'm good...just good..." and now he was rambling but could anyone blame him?

This was just too bizarre, so he quickly closed the distance, shut the door behind him and then he leaned against it, catching his breath.

Had Spock been hit on his head?

Was this why he was here now hovering?

Jim shook his head; there was no use in obsessing about it, Spock probably had a perfectly logical reason to be here and just because he couldn't understand it didn't mean that it didn't exist.

Jim quickly shed the rest of his clothes and then he showered quickly. He missed good old-fashioned water showers but on board those things were a luxury that they couldn't afford so he just had to make due with the sonic one.

If anyone were to ask him, sonic showers might do the job but he only really felt refreshed and clean if he had a real old fashioned one, even wanking was losing its appeal when there was no water to help the glide of his hand.

Not that he could possibly be thinking about _that_ with his Vulcan first officer next door who was probably listening intently just in case Jim _did_ land on his ass.

And maybe that would be a good enough reason to put on a show and he was really tempted but quite frankly he did feel rather tired and he really didn't want to embarrass himself, so he quickly finished up and then tied a towel around his slim waist.

Of course he hadn't thought to bring any clean clothes with him because Spock's appearance had confused him and he was also usually in the habit to just walk around naked. It wasn't as if anyone was usually there to object to it.

"Sorry..." Jim apologized to his proper first officer, "forgot a change of clothing..."

He was busy rummaging around his drawers for a new pair of sweatpants so he didn't notice that Spock's dark gaze was lingering on his body, memorizing every curve of it.

He had just pulled up his trousers, towel discharged on the floor when Spock's voice startled him, "What happened here?" the Vulcan asked and then he did something totally out of character for him because he gently traced a faint scar on the lower end of Jim's back.

Jim turned his head around, nearly giving himself whiplash and then he frowned, scrunching up his face. "Oh that one..."he said casually, "someone didn't like me moving too much..."

He shrugged, dismissing the memory because anything that reminded him of Tarsus IV was usually best shoved back down into dark boxes of his mind, never to be accessed _ever_ again.

"Jim..." Spock said gravely and Jim turned around, blue eyes blinking because Spoke had just used his first name and he had liked the way it had sounded, which probably meant that he had turned into a teenage girl but he still felt slightly happy to have heard Spock say it.

The moment was broken when the door chimed and without thinking about Jim just said, "Enter."

The door opened, revealing the older Spock who now went by the name of Suvok. "Sp...Suvok..." Jim corrected himself, "Come in..."

He couldn't help the flare of happiness that ran through his body at seeing the older man again, despite the lie but Jim had decided that that one lie didn't really matter because the mind held had showed him that the Vulcan cared so clearly he shouldn't be too upset about one tiny lie.

Spock went rigid right next to him and when Jim tried to side step him to greet his friend properly, Spock actually went so far as to step in front of him, boxing Jim into the corner and blocking his path.

"The captain is still resting. If you have business to discus it would be wise if you make an appointment." Spock said stiffly while Jim tried to peak around the taller man's back.

"Spock come on," He said with annoyance, "let me through..." he pushed at the Vulcan and even though Spock tensed under his touch, the Vulcan didn't move.

"Jim..." Suvok's deep voice had Jim look up again, "do you wish me to come back?"

"No, no...it's fine..." Jim hurried to say but once again Spock over ruled him by actually turning around and putting both of his hands around Jim's head.

Jim blinked because this was uncharacteristic behaviour and he didn't like to be boxed in anyway.

"You are not well Captain...the doctor said you should rest..."

"Suvok is my friend...if it makes you happy I even go to bed, he can pull up a chair..."

"It would not make me happy..." Spock actually managed to snipe back at him with a totally monotone voice and Jim marvelled at the fact that the Vulcan managed to convey emotion without actually admitting to it. How long did he have to practice to learn that?

"Because that is a feeling." Spock continued, "However for your own benefit, you should indeed rest. Without Suvok."

Jim got the distinct impression that for whatever reason Spock was trying to stop him from talking to his other self and normally he would've put up a fight but right now he was actually too tired to mince words with his first officer.

"You win..." Jim mumbled, waving his hand and he was relieved when Spock removed his hands. "Suvok..." Jim addressed the other man, "Why don't you come back tomorrow morning when Spock has to be on the bridge?"

Spock tensed again and Jim rolled his eyes because what was wrong with him?

"It would be my pleasure Jim...until tomorrow then..." the older Vulcan tilted his head in a greeting and then with an undecipherable look towards his younger self, the older man walked out.

"I don't even want to know what that was all about..." Jim said to Spock, "You can keep your emotional non existing issues to yourself. I'm still captain of this ship and if I want to spend time with a friend of mine then I don't need your permission for it."

"I was not aware that..."

"Oh just give it up Spock..." Jim sighed, moving away towards the bed.

"Just dim the lights a little bit, I've got a headache..."

Actually he was just fine but claiming a headache got Spock to shut up and after curling around his favourite pillow he did actually fall asleep even though he would've sworn that he wasn't tired at all.

The nightmare came on swift wings and when Jim woke up, he found himself silently screaming but he hadn't even twitched in his sleep.

He closed his eyes again, working hard to even out his breathing but it took all his will to stop himself from shaking and from throwing some sort of temper tantrum.

He knew it wouldn't do any good; nightmares didn't care if he was angry at them when he woke but a good night's sleep would really be appreciated right about now.

It also royally annoyed him that for the last few years, his nightmares had receded almost to the point where he only had them a few nights every week and sometimes even less but recent events seemed to have given new fuel to his mind and it was now busy making his life a real hell.

And if he didn't find an off switch soon, Bones would find out and then who knew what would happen?

Jim sighed, slowly rolling out of bed, deciding that maybe a cup of water would do him good. Maybe even some hot milk from the replicator because hot milk was supposed to calm you down and make you sleepy.

Not that it had ever worked for him but it surely couldn't hurt and it definitely beat lying in bed and feeling sorry for himself.

Later on he would swear that when he stumbled he didn't let out an undignified _meep_ but that was exactly what he did.

Stumbling along in the darkness, he only took a few steps, having totally forgotten that with just a simple voice command he could have activated the lights. Instead he tried to find his way in the dark and since he hadn't expected to find his first officer sitting on the floor, trying to meditate, he stumbled over his body and in a tangle of limbs and curses he crashed to the floor.

He tried to extract himself from Spock, because he had finally remembered that the Vulcan had agreed to babysit him but Spock's arms were around him, keeping him in place. Spock was underneath him and currently Jim was lying on top of him but sadly that didn't mean that he was in control at all.

"Spock?" Jim mumbled, trying to get out of his hold but instead he just managed to wiggle on top of a warm, male body and when he realized that a part of him actually liked this exercise he quickly stopped moving altogether.

"Are you injured?" Spock asked formally and when the Vulcan actually started patting down Jim's body Jim quickly shook his head, "No...no...you can let me up...all good...!"

Jim tried his winning smile and it only faltered a little bit when he realized that the room was still dark and Spock couldn't see it.

Spock did finally move and when Jim was finally on his own he quickly made his way back to the bed, sitting down.

"Lights, fifty percent..." Spock ordered and even though Jim scoffed at the fact that the Vulcan had done what he should've done in the first place, he kept his mouth shut.

Instead he redirected his thoughts by asking what Spock had been doing in the middle of the room, meditating.

"I don't require as much sleep as humans do." Spock answered but Jim just rolled his eyes, "Couldn't you've picked a corner to meditate in? Did you have to do it right in the middle of the room?"

"Did you have to walk around the room in darkness?" Spock shot back and Jim's eyes widened because that was the first hint of real emotion that he had seen and he smiled a little bit because even though he was no longer chasing after Spock to be his friend, a victory was still a victory.

"What ever..." Jim waved his had dismissively, flexing his shoulders because he hadn't quite realized how tense he really was and stumbling over Spock hadn't really helped loosening his muscles.

"Do you require assistance?" Spock asked, dark eyes eyeing him carefully and Jim tilted his head because he had no idea what _assistance_ Spock was offering or asking about.

Thankfully his cock had decided that it wasn't really interested at the moment because it would've been downright scary at having the Vulcan asking him if something was wrong while sprouting an erection.

Spock's logical mind didn't really do embarrassed and Jim was quite certain that even if he did, he would make sure to ask Jim about it because it would _embarrass _Jim.

Seriously, at some stage he needed to talk to Spock and ask him what his deal was with the whole _I don't have any emotions, I am in control_ while still projecting everything through body language.

Then again, no one besides him seemed to have started picking up on those clues so maybe his first point of contact should be Uhura since she was Spock's girl friend so if anyone knew the Vulcan intimately it would be her.

Though talking to her would be tricky because even though his behaviour while on duty had been nothing but exemplary, she still glared at him and every time she said _Sir,_ it was said with a mocking undertone that clearly told Jim that she hadn't forgotten how they had met.

He had come a long way since then and he was just a little bit offended that she was still holding a grudge. And all he had done was trying to pick her up in the first place! That it had also started a bar brawl wasn't really his fault either! It had just happened!

But it was human to hold a grudge and apparently Uhura liked to stick to her opinions once they were formed.

He sighed, rubbing his forehead because he had forgotten the reason of this train of thought until Spock stepped right into his view.

_Oh yes Spock...offering assistance of some kind..._

"Your tense body posture indicates that your muscles are knotted up. I could ask Dr. McCoy for some muscle relaxant..."

"Oh no, that won't be necessary..."Jim immediately interrupted because he would rather keep his tense muscles than wake up Bones again. He had just let him out of sickbay, if he called him up again now he would never ever be allowed to leave again!

"I am familiar with human pressure points. If you were in agreement I could offer my help."

Jim squinted his eyes, tilting his blond head backwards because was Spock offering him a massage?

"You're offering me a massage?" he tried to clarify because seriously he must've heard that wrong.

"Affirmative." came the short answer and after Jim's blue eyes widened a little bit, he pinched his forearm just to make sure that he wasn't dreaming.

"Alright..." He said warily because he wasn't totally comfortable with the situation but then again he could really use a massage and while his mind had a hard time connecting _Spock with a massage_ in the same sentence, he had to admit that if the Vulcan offered then he was probably going to be good at it. After all, it wouldn't be logical _not_ to excel at something and to give it all he got...

Jim slowly turned around; keeping an eye on Spock while the Vulcan went to his bathroom, trying to locate something that he could as oil.

"I will return in 2.5 minutes." Spock suddenly stated and then quickly left the room and because he had nothing better to do, Jim started timing the Vulcan and really, he did manage to return to the room just short of 2.5 minutes carrying a bottle that looked very much like some fancy massage oil.

"So you've done this for Uhura too?" Jim asked, turning his head around again and resting it on his arms while he moved around a bit until he was really comfortable.

"I do not discuss private matters." Spock firmly stated and Jim sighed because he knew that the Vulcan was a private person, but there was privacy and there was _privacy_.

"Fine..." Jim mumbled in defeat and he was surprised to hear when Spock spoke again, "I have not received any complaints from her yet."

Jim smiled and he was proud of himself that he didn't jump when hot hands finally settled on his back.

It was logical of course for Spock to sit down on his lower half because it gave the best angle to do this but it was also quite intimate and quite frankly Jim wasn't so sure that he would be able to relax enough to actually enjoy the massage.

However he changed his mind quickly when Spock managed to find just all the right pressure points and he even groaned a few times before his entire body started to go numb with pleasure.

"This feels really good..."Jim mumbled, already half asleep and for the first time he wondered if Uhura had done right by choosing Spock because the man sure knew what to do with his hands.

Just before he finally fell asleep he could've sworn to feel fingers running through his hair but he surely must've dreamt that.

Someone was calling his name but Jim just groaned and turned over, pulling his pillow with him and snuggling deeper into the covers. He felt relaxed and for once just really good and he didn't want to ruin it by waking up.

"Jim?"

Jim's eyes suddenly snapped wide open and he risked a bleary look at whoever was calling him only to come fully awake in a second.

"S...Suvok..." Jim said, sitting up, brushing some hair out of his face and totally not realizing how adorable he looked while trying to make himself look a little bit more presentable.

"I hope you don't mind, Jim..." Suvok said calmly, "but when you didn't answer the door after five minutes I got concerned and had the good doctor open the door for me remotely. He was very vocal about it but in the end he did it."

"Bones?" Jim was wide-awake now, looking around the room and he let out a sigh of relief when his friend wasn't here, hovering with a hypo ready to inject something into him.

"I believe it would be best if you were to give him a quick call just to alleviate his concerns..."

"Of course...you're right..." Jim mumbled, getting out of bed without any concern for his almost nakedness. He also didn't notice that much like his younger self from the night before, Suvok was following him with almost hungry eyes.

"Bones..." he said his friend's name when the vid screen flared to life. "I'm fine, I just overslept..."

"Did you take any drugs?" Bones narrowed his eyes, trying to diagnose Jim over the distance.

Jim rolled his eyes, "No, of course not..." he answered because he knew better than that. A few rather horrible wake up moments in the ER had told him early on that even recreational drugs weren't something that he could tolerate. If he wanted to get _happy_ and have _a good time _he always kept to the good old methods: booze and sex.

Bones still looked unconvinced but after Jim sent another radiant smile towards his friend, he actually smiled back and just disconnected. Some people thought Bones was rude and just loud but that was just a mask to protect his caring heart.

Despite his comments and rather crude behaviour, Bones was a really good doctor, a genius even if Jim were to believe some people and for his friend, being gruff and hostile was just his own way to protect himself.

Jim's way was to be overly friendly and be charming while Bones just scared people off.

Maybe in a very distant future, he could ask Spock to run a test to see which method worked best but then again that would require for them to actually talk and to be able to share some private things with each other so clearly that little research project was never going to happen.

"Would you like me to prepare some breakfast for you?" Suvok shook Jim out of his thoughts and he was reminded that he had asked the older man over for breakfast, as his _guest _and so clearly it should be Jim preparing the food.

"Oh no, you're my guest...I'm sorry..." Jim babbled, ruffling his hair again because it just now hit him how awkward and humiliating this really was.

He forgot all about that though when Suvok actually chuckled and Jim just stood there gaping because it proved that if he wanted to, Spock could actually laugh! The stubborn Vulcan was just too proud or something to give into his human side!

"Why don't you clean up a bit and by the time you're done I'll have breakfast ready..." Suvok offered, a faint smile still tugging on the edge of his mouth and Jim just nodded because it was probably a good idea to wash his face and maybe even to put some more clothes on because he was starting to feel slightly naked in his sweatpants.

He refrained from tugging at them to pull them higher up because right now they were hanging rather loose on his hips. He looked down, frowning and realizing that he must've lost some more weight because he couldn't remember that these pants were supposed to be that loose.

"I'm sorry Jim..." Suvok startled him again and before Jim knew what was happening, he was pressed into the wall with a Vulcan cutting off his escape routes.

Suvok leaned closer, his hot breath ghosting over Jim's exposed neck and he was pretty certain that he must've looked like some deer caught in the headlights because he had no idea what was going on.

"Just trust me on this one...It's for the best...you'll thank me later..." Suvok whispered into his ear which had Jim shuddering and instinctively he tried to shove Suvok off of him.

It was of course almost perfect timing that Spock chose to let himself into Jim's quarters when Jim was trying to half heartedly shove Suvok off of him while simultaneously trying to process the cryptic words his friend had mumbled into his ear.

There was a roar that Jim almost recognized as having heard before; once when he had been in the shuttle and the second time when the crazy admiral had kidnapped him.

It had been Spock making that sound?

Suvok was suddenly yanked off Jim and the blond man just stood there staring, chest heaving because he had no clue what was going on.

Suvok looked almost smug, as if he had gotten exactly the reaction from Spock that he had wanted which told Jim that his friend was up to something. Just like before, when he hadn't so much _lied_ as _implied_, Suvok had the same look in his eyes and Jim narrowed his own blue eyes slightly because he sincerely hoped that this wasn't some sort of joke on his expense.

"I told you before to get your hands off my captain..." Spock almost snarled and Jim just stood there, glued to the wall because he really wasn't so sure what he was seeing.

"He's my t'hy'la..." Suvok replied and Jim frowned again because he had heard that word before he just couldn't exactly place were.

Maybe when he had been floating in and out of consciousness in sick bay? Hadn't Suvok then been holding his hand too?

Wait a minute...a Vulcan touching his hand this intimately that meant...

His train of thought was once again interrupted before it could reach its conclusion by Spock once again emitting a low growl and with wide eyes Jim watched the Vulcan practically throw his own older version out of Jim's quarters.

"If Jim's anyone's t'hy'la then he is _mine_..." Spock managed to spit out and before the door closed in Suvok's face, he added, "You've lost your Jim, _he_ is mine."

Jim still just stood there because he had no clue what had just happened.

First of all Suvok had come on to him but he was pretty certain that the old man hadn't actually meant to follow through. The attraction had been there, the yearning Jim had seen in the older man's face had been real but he also knew that it hadn't been fully for him. Suvok had lost his _own_ Jim probably a while ago and having the younger, other reality version so close had obviously opened up old wounds.

That didn't explain though why Suvok had chosen to antagonize his younger self or why Spock had firmly proclaimed Jim to be _his _within the span of a few seconds.

"Uh..." he said slowly, "What was that?"

Spock turned around, fully composed once again but the heat was still in his dark eyes and Jim found himself mesmerized.

He didn't object when Spock guided him to a chair.

"Are you well Jim?" he was asked and Jim just nodded, rubbing his face because this was way too much excitement after having just woken up.

"What is...t'hy...la...?" he asked slowly, trying to recall the name he had been called but he wasn't so sure if he succeeded.

"It is an old Vulcan word meaning friend, brother and lover." Spock answered calmly and Jim nodded even though he really didn't understand anything.

"And why did you call me that?" he didn't specify which Spock had used the name because it didn't matter. Two men had called him by that name and he wanted to know what it meant for him.

"It denotes a sacred bond between two men and it is my conclusion that in the other reality my other self and your other self shared such a bond." Spock explained, once again voice all reasonable but Jim could practically sense the subtext. There was more to it but getting it out of Spock was going to take patience and he really didn't have that.

"While I understand Suvok's loss..." Spock continued on his own, "He cannot have you because if you are to share such a bond with anyone it should be with me and not with my older version from a different reality. He doesn't have a claim here..." _claim on you._..that was what Spock hadn't said but Jim still heard it loud and clear.

The problem was that he heard the words, understood them to some degree but he still had no idea what they _meant_.

He rubbed his face again, deciding that he really had enough.

"I'm going to have some breakfast and then read up on some reports..." he said slowly, getting up and fully expecting Spock to do the same.

"Aren't you supposed to be on duty?" he finally said when Spock didn't move and Jim ignored the look of confusion that flashed across Spock's face.

He was done trying to decipher what was going on.

For months he had chased after the Vulcan, trying to form a bond of sorts, to gain his friendship and he had been refused every single time.

Now, when someone else paid a little bit of interest to him Spock finally decided to stake his claim? And Jim wasn't _something_ that could be won, he didn't belong to anyone and even though it hurt to let go, he wasn't going to allow Spock to play with him.

The Vulcan wasn't cruel by nature; he knew that but after wrecking his head for months to find a way to get closer to him, to find a way to understand him he was finally done trying.

And he would be dammed if he let the Vulcan into his life now because if he then turned around and decided that Jim wasn't worth it after all, he wasn't so sure if he could take that.

He had put himself out there on the edge for the first time in his life, chasing after a friendship that he knew that could be great but he had his own pride, he wasn't going to allow his first officer to mess with his head.

Something was going on; there was subtext involved that he didn't understand and he had more important things to figure out than trying to pry yet another hole into the Vulcan's mind.

Jim had his own demons to fight and maybe it was time that he focused on that.

"Of course. " Spock nodded and with a wave of his hand Jim simply dismissed him because he hadn't been joking when he had decided that enough was enough.

Spock had wanted to be nothing but colleagues; well he would get just that.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: I feel the need to warn people that this part is rated NC-17 or whatever rating here is the same...there is m/m sex coming up so if that's not your thing, then you're reading the wrong story!**

**And thanks so much for all your reviews, I love every single one of them so please keep the coming...and here is part 3.**

**III - Earth**

"It's not normal, Bones..." Jim said, while sipping his drink.

A few weeks had passed since that _day from hell_ and his slow recovery and ever since he had been trying hard to avoid Spock at all cost.

However the damn Vulcan seemed to have taken to stalking him because everywhere Jim went he just materialized as if out of thin air and it was slowly starting to get to him.

Had he behaved similarly?

Was this some sort of revenge?

Weren't Vulcans supposed to be above those petty emotions? But then again maybe to Spock it was suddenly logical to stalk him?

Jim sighed, putting the glass onto the table, pleading with Bones to fill it up again and his friend, trained by the years they've spent together at the academy, did so without another word.

"What's not normal?" Bones asked and if Jim hadn't been drunk already he would've probably remembered that there had been a very good reason why he had never told Bones about his short lived (or not so short lived) obsession with his first officer.

Some might consider the _banter_ between Spock and Bones as downright hostile and while to some degree there really was no love lost between them, Jim had come to understand that in their own ways, insulting each other was simply the way those two communicated.

It was just yet another proof that _Mr. Oh So Logical Spock_ wasn't really above emotions at all. Because there simply was no _logical_ reason for insulting someone playfully. There just wasn't.

"Spock has taken to stalking me..." Jim said with a big sigh and he totally missed how his friend nearly chocked on his drink, spitting it into his glass again in an effort to get some much needed air into his lungs. "I mean I did it to him for a few months...trying to get him to realize that we could be good together...you know..." Jim drunkenly waved his hand as if that would explain everything, "but he made it very clear that I wasn't worth his time, he even called me a slut..." Jim hiccupped when he remembered that conversation and it wasn't because that statement still hurt, it was simply because he was drunk...

"Anyway," Jim continued, unaware that Bones had started to stare, his fingers slowly inching towards his always-present tricorder, getting ready to scan Jim for any brain injuries. "but then I get blown up, kidnapped, kidnapped again and you know..." more hand waving on Jim's part, "and then he had this fight with Suvok over how _I was his_...and how _he had no claim over me_...because I was his...t'hy..." cough, "...oh well..." more hiccups from Jim, "and it made all no sense...and I've been ignoring him ever since and he just won't go away!"

The sudden humming of the tricorder stopped Jim's little tirade and his blue eyes focused on his friend who was staring at the results as if he couldn't believe it.

"There's nothing wrong with you..." Bones said slowly and Jim tilted his head sideways as if he was saying that _he knew that_ but then Bones continued, "Medically speaking at least but you surely lost your mind..."

Now Jim was really confused because _he_ wasn't the one stalking Spock here anymore, Spock was stalking _him_ so why was _he_ still the one who had lost his mind?

"Jim..." Bones tried to sound reasonably but that was really hard with the little slur in his speech. "You mean to tell me that you've got a crush on that green blooded..."

"Bones!" Jim shouted, "I don't have a crush, I just wanted to be his friend!"

Bones stared at him again as if he had lost his mind and Jim squirmed a little bit, sure he was somehow once again missing an important part of the conversation.

"You mean to tell me that you chased after Spock simply because you wanted to be his friend?" Bones sounded as if he couldn't believe it and Jim just shrugged because that was the truth, "Even you can't be this dumb!"

"Hey!" Jim shouted back because it wasn't like Bones to insult his intelligence in that way. They fought and yes, Jim got called lots of names but Bones had never really called him dumb _and meant it_!

"Jim..." Bones tried for calm again but he wasn't quite succeeding, "Just think about it for once..."and when Jim nodded Bones continued, "Did you ever chase after a woman the way you chased after Spock?"

And when Jim shook his head, Bones continued, "And did you ever chase after another man the way you did with Spock?"

After another shake of Jim's blond head Bones continued again, "We're best friends, right?" Jim nodded again because was Bones going with this somewhere?

"Did you at any time feel the need to chase after me the way you did with Spock?" If there was a slight apprehension in Bones' voice then surely Jim was only imagining it but he still didn't get what was Bones was trying to tell him.

"Of course not," _you dummy_ was implied by Jim, "because we were friends from the moment we met in the shuttle..." the _duh_ was once again implied.

"Jim..."

"Bones..."

"Jim..."

"Bones..."

"For crying out loud..." Bones brought his hands onto the table, causing the glasses to skitter and the bottle to wobble dangerously, "Can't you just admit that you've got the hots for Spock and for both our sakes, put me out of my misery by going for it and then to never, ever share any details with me?"

Jim's mouth hung open because of all the things Bones could've been saying, this was the last thing he had ever expected.

"I don't want him to just mess with my head..." Jim explained, "So no, he can stalk all he wants but he won't get me. He had his chance."

What ever Bones grumbled into his none existing beard was lost on Jim because he was just in time to rescue the bottle before Bones could throw it into a nearby wall.

_Maybe he should make anger management courses mandatory_, he mused...he was the captain, he could do it.

Shore leave was finally upon them and Jim was really glad for it. For some reason Uhura had taken to glaring at him and for the life of him he couldn't figure out why.

It might have something to do with Spock taking up stalking him but surely she couldn't blame _him_ for that? It wasn't his fault that his first officer had apparently gone strange in the head...

Ever since they had dropped Suvak off at New Vulkan weeks ago the atmosphere had been odd and even someone who usually claimed not to be too sensitive about these things (namely him) had noticed.

He figured it was down to cabin fever; even the best crew suffered from it and quite frankly ever since the recent torture events, which had just started calling _his day from hell_, he too had felt the need to just unwind and pretend to be someone else for a little while.

So when the notification for shore leave, on Earth of all places, so that the Enterprise could go through some repair works, Jim had been close to cheering out loud but only being on the bridge had stopped him.

Still, he had celebrated in private by jumping up down a bit; it might be childish but then again, he wasn't that old yet. Still in his early twenties, some might still call him _kid_ at times, and he was just thankful that Bones had swapped that nickname for _asshole_.

Even though it didn't help being called names in front of the crew but he had figured it was better than Bones pointing out to them, often much older and experienced people, that he was still a kid.

And the best of all?

He would get to avoid Spock for two weeks and honestly Jim was quite thrilled by that!

He still sometimes wondered what it could've been like if Spock hadn't rejected him, he was human after all, mourning after things that could never be somehow came with the job description but he had enough sense left in his mucked up brain to know when to stop torturing himself.

He just wondered sometimes why Spock kept persisting in stalking him because it seemed downright illogical at this stage. Surely the Vulcan with his superior intellect had figured out by now that Jim wasn't going to fall for his game so what was he up to?

"Jim..." Jim nearly jumped and it was only quick reflexes that made him stay put and not embarrass himself in front of Admiral Pike.

"Admiral..." Jim nodded formally but he received a good-natured glare and then a pat on the back for it while the man corrected him fondly, "I told you to call me Chris."

That seemed oddly familiar since he had been using the very same phrase on Spock all those times so Jim just nodded, unsure what to say.

He did consider Christopher Pike as a friend and mentor; the man had after all managed to persuade him to join Starfleet in the first place and then instead of just abandoning him, he had kept in touch and even taken on the role of his academic advisor.

That Jim had saved his life wasn't something that he frequently thought about because he figured that anyone in his position would've done the same. It hadn't yet occurred to him that this might not be true.

"Can we talk in private for a minute?" Pike said and Jim just nodded, pointing towards his office.

Most of the crew was already gone; he was almost the last one left but that was the captain's job: making sure that everything was taken care off and only then was he allowed to leave.

Spock was still around somewhere but Jim was certain that the Vulcan was going to show up unexpectedly anyway and he was proven right because the moment he entered his office, Spock showed up on the bridge and of course Pike had to invite him to come along.

"I asked Spock to join us as well because it concerns both of you..." Pike explained by not really explaining anything but Jim was used to cryptic messages by now so he just nodded and sat down.

Pike did the same thing but Spock just stood there, body rigid, arms folded behind his back and even after Pike invited him to sit down Spock stayed standing.

Pike sighed and look at Jim and he was about to ask, _what do you want me to do about it_ when Pike said out loud, "Can you please get your first officer to sit down? It hurts my neck to be staring up at him like that."

"Spock," Jim addressed the Vulcan directly, "Come have a seat...you know you want to..." he added teasingly because he still hadn't found an off switch for that habit but then again, he had just given up on trying to become his friend, he had never said anything from denying himself the privilege of needling the Vulcan.

The only thing stopping him from doing it too often was the fact that somehow Spock seemed to take pleasure from it and even though Jim had no clue as to how he knew that, he still just _knew_.

"I'm afraid before you can go on your shore leave there is one more thing you will have to do."

And Jim just knew that these were _the famous last words..._

"I can't believe that I will be stuck with you for nearly two more days..." Jim grumbled while the shuttle took them down to Earth.

Spock of course refrained from answering, just raising one eyebrow.

Apparently it had been fortunate that the Enterprise, or to be more precise, that he and Spock had been gone from Earth for so long because the press hadn't had a chance to actually chase after them.

There had been articles written about them; some made up and some stories leaked by untold sources at Starfleet but no magazine or news station had yet had the chance to interview the heroes of the federation in person.

After Nero's defeat, there had been a general news black out and while some information had made it out, the exact details had been kept silent for as long as possible to allow the cadets that had managed to survive to complete their training and to graduate.

Most, of those that were still left, had only been a few exams short of the necessary credits and everything had been rushed through afterwards that honestly Jim wasn't quite so sure that everyone who graduated had actually passed the exams.

Not that he would begrudge anyone from graduating but he found it rather odd that after surviving something so horrible, the destruction of a planet, witnessing the almost destruction of one of the founding members of the federation and not to mention the loss of countless friends and family members, that not one cadet who had served in the battle and survived had managed to fail a single exam.

Jim wished it was true but he rather doubt it. Not just for the academic reasons but also for the emotional ones because even he wasn't so sure that he remembered the first month after the incidents all clearly.

And he was still supposed to have passed all the exams? He was good, he knew that but he doubted that he and everyone else were _that_ good.

Either way, everything had been rushed back then. The whole academy had been closed off; no one had been allowed to leave or enter and by the time they had graduated and Jim had been pronounced captain, they had almost immediately been sent off on their first mission.

They had been back to Earth a few times since then, but mostly they had just stayed in the space station because a day leave hadn't really allowed anyone to go anywhere.

So he figured, it wasn't really a bad thing that he had missed the day when the whole story had been made public because reading an article here and there about himself in flying colours, including his infuriating first officer had been freaky enough.

But to be actually face-to-face with hero worship?

Jim would rather encounter ten times more Nero's than that.

However he could hardly ignore a direct order and apparently before he and Spock were allowed to leave for their holidays Starfleet wanted them to do one interview – _together_.

They had put them up in a well known hotel, gotten them a suite and Jim had thought that the universe was out to get him because here he was, trying to get away from Spock, and now he was going to have to share living quarters with him for two days.

It just wasn't fair.

And Jim really wasn't aware of the heated look Spock sent his way while he was pouting. He also didn't realize that it looked rather cute on him.

"Jim..."

"Spock..."

"Is it true...?"

_Was what true?_ Jim almost shot back at the reporter yelling over the barricade but he bit his tongue because encouraging those people wasn't really going to be productive.

Spock carried himself as stiff as ever but despite the security detail that they had been assigned, the crowd still got very close to them and it was only when the Vulcan flinched almost unnoticeably that Jim remembered: touch telepath.

Without thinking twice about it, he grabbed Spock and pushed the taller man behind him, making sure that he was shielding him from any one coming close to them.

The people were still around them and it was quite scary as a matter of fact but at least he was protecting Spock from the worst of it.

Jim didn't even question his move, nor did he notice the small smile playing across Pike's face when he had watched the events unfold.

Nor did he see Spock silently thanking him with his dark eyes but there were many things that Jim just never noticed.

The blond just never really put much stock in himself and his abilities and he never really noticed when he was being appreciated for who he was.

"I'm glad we're passed all of that...!" Jim sighed when the hotel room door closed behind them and even Pike reminding them of their appointment tomorrow morning couldn't stop his sudden cheerful mood.

"The door over there leads to the adjacent suite so tomorrow someone will come and get you around 9 am. That way you don't have to brave the outside world and when it is done, we'll make sure that you get away to your chosen destination."

Jim frowned but Pike answered his question before he could even from it in his mind. "I don't think you got to worry about people turning crazy on you...for both you. You're heroes and if someone recognizes you on your holiday you'll be just fine. Crowds usually tend to complicate things but don't let that ruin your upcoming and much deserved time off."

Jim nodded quietly because he wasn't so sure but he wasn't going to run scared from some _adoring fans_. If he could face their enemies and countless disasters in space while on duty he would surely be able to handle some people wanting his autograph.

In theory at least...

Even though recent events had given him something to think about...

Spock seemed rather fidgety and for a Vulcan that really meant something. He wasn't outright twitchy but if Jim just looked really carefully he could see just how uncomfortable the Vulcan really was.

He sighed; there wasn't anything he could do about it even though he wished he could do this on his own.

"Spock doesn't have to go through this, does he?" Jim offered suddenly because maybe that was the answer. He wouldn't necessarily call the Vulcan shy but for a touch telepath being exposed to so many _needy_ people could be quite a scary thing.

Spock actually managed a little frown, "I am perfectly capable of giving an interview." he said stiffly and Jim wasn't so sure if Spock had realized that he had just been trying to help.

"Just trying to make it easier for you..." Jim quickly answer and before Spock could say anything further Pike let out a little laugh, "Thanks Jim, I'm sure Spock appreciates the sentiment but you're both wanted. You're the couple of the year; the human and the Vulcan...just one half of the equation isn't going to do it..."

Jim's forehead scrunched up because there was that word again – _couple_ – and Jim got the impression that Pike was telling him something that he just wasn't hearing. Even Spock seemed oddly pleased with the phrasing and that alone told Jim that he was missing something.

He sighed, rubbing his forehead and messing up his hair. It wouldn't be the first time that something escaped his notice even though it was staring him right in the face.

He would figure it out eventually, he always did and until then, he just continued as always.

"See you tomorrow then..." Jim nodded at Pike, picked up his duffel and randomly chose one bedroom for himself, closing the door behind him.

A few hours later, Jim emerged from his current and slowly entered the main living room only to find Spock sitting on the floor, meditating with a few candles burning around him. He sniffed the air. The scent was rather nice and he was just about to tip toe out of there when he ran into a table.

He cursed, trying to keep it quiet but of course he had broken Spock's concentration.

"Are you injured?" the Vulcan asked and before Jim could object, a strong arm gripped his and then he was more or less forcefully guided to the nearby sofa.

"I'm fine Spock..." he said but Spock just eyed him and then declared, "Fine is a term humans use when they are not alright but don't want to come out and say it out loud that something is amiss."

Jim blinked because Spock wasn't complete wrong, now that he thought about it, but he also wasn't going to admit to it.

"Really Spock..." Jim said again, "My foot will survive."

"I'll get some ice..." Spock declared and quickly left the room leaving Jim staring after him because why had the Vulcan left the room to get some ice? There was a perfectly good replicator just over there...

Jim waited a few moments and when Spock didn't come back he got slightly worried. He had just about gotten up when the door suddenly opened and then was suddenly shut again forcefully with Spock leaning against it actually looking quite flustered.

"I would advise you not to leave the room or head down the hallway..." Spock eventually said and Jim was still staring because even though he wasn't going to admit it out loud, a flustered Spock was actually kind of cute.

"I got you real ice." Spock held up an ice bag and Jim quickly recalled that first class hotels provided 20th century ice machines in the hall way. Apparently the rich thought it was really nice to have real ice with expensive drinks but then again Jim just found that odd because by the same reasoning shouldn't they also refuse the food from the replicator? It wasn't really _real_ food either, not in the sense that it had _grown_ somewhere...

"Spock..." Jim was about to enlighten the Vulcan that any ice would've done but then he just bit his lower lip, lowers his head and said _thank you_.

He sat down again and Spock was by his side, gently lifting his foot up onto his lap, placing the ice bag over it.

He really wasn't all that injured but Jim still closed his eyes and let Spock have his fun because there was no harm in it and it actually felt kind of nice that someone was trying to look after him and not shouting at him at the same time.

He loved Bones, he really did, but sometimes he wished that he could get _his caring_ with a little less shouting...

"Thanks..." Jim said again and even though he couldn't be sure, he could've sworn that Spock had mumbled,

"_You're welcome."_

The rest of the day was uneventful but then maybe that depended on how Jim looked at it. When he went to bed he honestly couldn't remember a single conversation with Spock but his memories clearly told him that he had just spent the day and the evening in Spock's company and that he had enjoyed it.

He frowned; if he had needed proof that they were compatible this would've been it but he had stopped looking for that...right?

Jim dressed carefully the next morning, only grumbling slightly because Pike had actually left him a list of what was acceptable and what wasn't. As if he didn't know how to dress himself but the more rational part of him knew that Starfleet wanted to present a certain image while still appearing nonchalant about it.

Thankfully he hadn't worn his jeans in a while so they were clean, so were his boots and there wasn't really anything wrong with his dark shirt either.

He quickly ran a hand through his hair and when he exited his bedroom he made a beeline for the replicator because he wasn't going to do this without some coffee.

He nearly dropped my precious cup of coffee when he turned around and found Spock sitting quietly at the table, eating pieces of fruit.

He looked stunning with his black clothes and his dark hair and for a few moments Jim just stood there with my mouth open before he realized what he was doing and he quickly rectified the problem.

"You ready?" Pike's voice suddenly appearing through the doorway had Jim actually dropping his coffee and when he bent to retrieve it and to clean it up he was told to just leave it.

Jim sighed, rubbing his forehead, not the best way to start the day. He felt off kilter and that wasn't a good way to feel when facing reporters.

Jim was sure, much like every predator out there, that they would be able to _smell_ his discomfort and somehow find a way to use it!

Jim was lulled into a false sense of comfort when the majority of the interview was relatively harmless.

Some might think it odd that someone who usually never did as he was told actually didn't much like attention but that was just how it was. Jim didn't like being the centre of attention and from the extra stiff look Spock had on his face right next to him, he would've had said that the feeling was mutual.

They had done what needed to be done; they had been in the right place at the right time or wrong place at the wrong time – depending how you wanted to look at it – and that was that all that was to it.

The questions so far had been rather generic. Jim was sure for someone was private as Spock they had been utter hell but Spock always did his duty so he responded even though Jim could tell that he really hadn't wanted to talk about his childhood or about his mother.

Actually Jim might've glared a little bit when Spock's mother had been mentioned because that had been just downright insensitive.

"Now Jim..." one of the first things out of the reporter's mouth had been a forced acceptance to be addressed by their first name because apparently it made the whole thing more informal. Jim really didn't care but he could see that Spock hadn't much liked it. No one could actually pronounce Spock's full name but Jim knew that his first officer liked to be addressed as either Commander or Mr. Spock by people he didn't know.

It was some formal thing and even though Jim didn't quite understand it, it was just simple how Spock was and if the reporter hadn't been so focused on her story she would have respected that.

This interview though was geared mostly for a human audience so she clearly hadn't bothered by checking up on anything else.

That only made him dislike reporters even more.

"Jim..." she said his name again causing Jim's blue eyes to focus on her again and he sent her a winning smile because he might not like playing this game but he knew what was expected of him. Her time was almost up and then he could go back to ignoring reporters all he wanted.

"Are the rumours true?"

Jim tilted his head to the side because what rumours was she talking about? One quick glance to his side told him that Spock, in his stoic Vulcan way, looked just as baffled as he was and when his first officer opened his mouth to ask her to _clarify_, Jim decided that he should go first.

"You have to be more specific than that..." Jim said quickly because his instinct was telling him that this was going to end up awkward and if anyone should look stupid it should be him because he wasn't really all that bothered by it. Spock though valued his pride...

"That your friendship with Spock is a little bit more intimate than you would have everyone believe..." the leer in her tone of voice and the almost hungry look when she said that while eyeing Jim up and down and then focusing on Spock was almost enough to render Jim speechless.

He was just about to open his mouth and to tell her off when Spock surprised him by putting his hand onto his own, effectively startling him into silence because the Vulcan didn't like to touch anyone and now he had done it out of his own free will, in front of rolling cameras non the less.

"Humans are familiar with the word privacy?" Spock asked, one eyebrow arched and Jim mentally groaned because Spock had just confirmed that there was something to hide even though there really wasn't.

"I believe your time is up." Pike's voice put a stop to the fiasco and Jim pondered for a few moments if he should grab the reporter and clarify that there wasn't anything going on but then he recalled that sometimes protesting too much, even if it was true, was just going to have the opposite effect so he kept his mouth shut.

After all, apparently there were some out there who already thought that he and Spock were intimate and anything he said on the topic wouldn't persuade anyone differently.

He did wonder though if Starfleet would have to say anything about it because Spock technically was reporting to him and he could be brought up on some charges, he was sure.

"There's nothing going on..." Jim hurried to say the moment the door was closed behind them but Pike interrupted them by surprisingly saying, "It is frowned upon by a captain to fraternise with his crew but it isn't strictly forbidden and Spock is your second in command. No one would ever believe that your first officer could've been coerced by anything you did or said. So relax, Starfleet doesn't mind."

Jim nodded thankfully until he stopped, "Hey, wait a minute..."He managed to say but Pike was already excusing himself, telling them to enjoy the rest of the day and that they could check out any time tomorrow after lunch.

Jim still stood there with is mouth slightly open because had that just happened? Had Pike and Starfleet in general just given him the go ahead for a relationship with Spock?

Seriously?

"I will meditate." Spock's words barely registered and Jim just nodded, finding himself still standing on the same spot a few minutes later.

Eventually he just shook his head and even though he wanted to go outside because it was sunny he decided to stay put for the day. Some nice time lounging on the bed, watching some movies or play a few games was probably a lot safer than braving the world out there.

It was after 10 pm when Jim returned from his shower, towel draped around his waist, rubbing his still wet hair with another one.

His body still felt tense and even a hot and long shower hadn't been effective in chasing away whatever was bothering him.

Quite honestly he wasn't even so sure what exactly had him all this tense but he was sure it was a combination of things and it irritated him that he couldn't just will them away.

"May I offer my assistance?" Jim's steps faltered and startled by Spock's words he nearly jumped out of his skin. If Spock put his mind to it he could be downright scarily stealthy.

"Assistance with what?" Jim turned around, looking slightly confused; breaking eye contact for a moment by tossing the towel he had used to dry his hair onto the floor.

It did occur to him that he was almost naked in front of Spock and he wasn't so sure if the thrill he felt was out of being uncomfortable or if it was due to something else.

On the other hand, Spock was only clad in some loose fitting sweatpants, his chest was bare and for a second Jim found himself staring because knowing that his first officer had a fit body was one thing but actually getting a glimpse of it? Quite another...

"Jim?" Spock queried and all Jim could muster was, "Huh?"

"You're tense. I can alleviate your symptoms..."

Translation: Spock was asking if Jim wanted a massage and before Jim could check for ulterior motives he found himself smiling and nodding eagerly, "That would be great. Thanks!"

He turned around, crawling onto the bed, mindful to keep the towel in place and totally unaware of the look Spock sent towards him.

Spock left to pick up some supplies and when the bed dipped and his first officer sat down on Jim's thighs it occurred to Jim that this might not have been such a good idea after all.

He should've at least gotten up and put on some underwear...

It was too late now though to rectify the problem because if he made Spock get up now it would only make the whole thing more uncomfortable and thankfully once Spock's skilful hands started massaging his back, all thoughts vanished from his head.

"I didn't know you were serious..." Spock said, almost too casually and it took Jim's sedated and very comfortable mind to confirm that yes, he had no clue what Spock was talking about.

He settled for a grunt, hoping that this would get Spock to just shut up and keep working on his back but Spock apparently had other plans because with a slight yelp Jim was suddenly turned around until he was flat on his back with Spock straddling him.

Jim's brain was still slightly fuzzy from the excellent massage he had received or had still been receiving until a few seconds ago so when he blinked up at Spock, he looked quite adorably confused.

"I thought you were only trying to get to know me to win the bet."

Now Jim had proof that Spock was talking nonsense because he clearly was.

"What bet?" Jim found himself saying because seriously, was this some sort of Vulcan version of a heart to heart with him almost butt naked under his first officer? Seriously?

Jim watched Spock looking puzzled for a few seconds before something indefinable and almost warm settled in the dark eyes, "You had no idea that there was a bet going on about how long it would take you to get me to let you into my pants?"

Jim blinked, shaking his head, feeling the first stab of anger shooting through his body.

"All this time you ignored me and shut me down because you thought I was only trying to be your friend to win some stupid bet?" Jim's voice hitched because the odd mix of feeling hurt and angry was making him even more irrational than what was normal for him.

"It was only logical to conclude that after you changed your behaviour towards me that you were looking for some sort of gain..." that almost sounded defensive on Spock's part and _logically_ Jim couldn't fault the Vulcan for it but that didn't change the fact that Spock _should've known better_.

"Get off me." Jim demanded, trying to dislodge the Vulcan on top of him but for the first time Spock used his superior strength to keep him pinned.

He grabbed Jim's wrists and held them firmly not giving an inch.

"Let go off me..."Jim hissed, "I would never do such a thing..." he hissed, blinking rapidly because his anger was getting the better of him and it was only because of that, not because he felt hurt, that his eyes had started to water a little bit. "I might be an ass and yes, I do like sex but I would never sink so low to pretend to be someone's friend just for a lousy bet...that's just..._low_..." he repeated, meaning every single word of it.

He had done lots of things he wasn't proud of but he would never do such a thing and it hurt that Spock hadn't at least known that.

"I do apologize Jim," Spock offered solemnly, "Once I realized my error I did try to connect with you but you are proving to be hard to get..."

Jim blinked because was this innuendo? Or double talk? He almost laughed at the sheer stupidity of that thought but the fact remained that he was pinned to the bed, half naked with an equally not dressed Vulcan on top of him. Maybe some innuendo was rightly placed after all...

Jim settled for, "Uhm..." again because he honestly didn't know what else to say.

Spock's face was suddenly even closer, the undecipherable heat back in his dark eyes.

"Do you have any idea what t'hy'la really means for a Vulcan?" Spock asked and Jim just stared back because if Spock had to ask him if he knew what it meant then clearly there was once again something he missing.

He sighed, closing his eyes momentarily because it would seem that he was _always_ missing something and he was staring to develop some insecurity issues because of it.

"Friend, brother...and lover..." Spock said slowly, leaving some space in between _brother_ and _lover_ and Jim could honestly say that he still wasn't sure what Spock was getting at.

"Look just because your other version called me that first, doesn't mean that this is some sort of competition." He pointed out, "I don't know why he called me that but I don't much care for that the fact that only after he said it that you suddenly decided that it was only _your_ right to call me that..."

Jim was rambling slightly but he stood by his point. Before Suvok had called him t'hy'la Spock hadn't even looked twice at him and suddenly when someone else had wanted him, even if only for a brief moment in time, he was desirable too?

"Get off me..." he demanded, "I might not have much to offer but I won't be some prize, something to be won...and I won't be second choice in anything either..."

"I apologize..." Spock said again and Jim sighed again, closing his eyes because this was getting rather exhausting and Spock still hadn't moved an inch. "I have been unable to express myself."

Jim just kept quiet because by now he knew that he wasn't going to be allowed to get up and away from underneath Spock until the Vulcan had said his piece. "I have..." there was an uncharacteristic pause for Spock which caused Jim to open his eyes, fixating on Spock's face, "I have desired for quite some time to get to know you better and I only refused your advances because I thought you were trying to win a bet and because I did not see any reason to believe that you were sincere."

_Alright_, Jim thought, he would have to give Spock that because if the other had honestly believed that Jim was only trying to be nice to him to win a bet then he couldn't really fault Spock for it. Spock still _should've known him better_ but then again, Spock wasn't human, he was Vulcan and even though he had lived among humans for quite some time, there were still times when the Vulcan simply didn't understand humans at all.

It went the other way too of course because sometimes Spock was really puzzling and Jim had always figured that it must've been due to some cultural thing, alien differences or something like that.

And he had to admit that he hadn't really given Spock any reason to not believe that he would sink so low and try to pretend to be someone's friend just to win a bet...he was still hurt that Spock had thought so little of him but if he applied logic for once the he couldn't really fault the other for it.

"I learned of my error when Lt. Uhura informed me of it. Apparently she had overheard some people talking and she had brought it to my attention. However the timing was rather unfortunate because at the time you were in coma."

Jim blinked; trying to think back and he figured that Spock must've learned the truth during _that day from hell_ that happened a while ago.

"You then insisted to get hurt several times in a row leaving me enough time to contemplate the notion of being unable to apologize to you and to explain myself and I found that I..." another uncharacteristic pause, "that I didn't care for that at all."

"Did you just admit to having feelings?" Jim blurted out and one stern look from Spock shut him up, "Vulcans do have feelings. As a matter of fact they run much deeper in us than in humans, we've just chosen to use logic to master them."

Which translated that basically Spock was suppressing anything he felt and Jim couldn't help but wonder if that was a good thing or not. It might work for someone who was fully Vulcan but Spock was half human even if his first officer often chose to ignore that fact.

"Apology accepted." Jim finally said, finding that it was the truth. "Now get off me."

"After much meditation I also realized that Suvok never really meant to claim you for himself. He was merely manipulating events so that I realized what was between us and if you are agreeable to this, I would very much approve of you as my t'hy'la."

Jim blinked, not quite sure where this was going any more. "Friends then?" he asked hesitantly because there was an undertone in Spock's voice that told him that he was talking about more than just friendship.

"I believe a common human term would be _friends with benefits_..." Spock startled Jim by saying, "However you have to understand that Vulcans do take relationships a lot more serious than humans. As a matter of fact, Vulcans usually only have sex when they are married and it is my human nature that I am indulging by having sexual relations outside of that."

Spock was a rebel.

Jim snorted at that, wondering why he hadn't seen that before. Maybe the stiff and proper exterior had him fooled, just like everyone else but deep down they were actually very much alike. Neither one of them apparently did what was expect of them...

"Wait..." Jim's mind was finally translating what Spock had said, "You also want to be my lover?" his voice sounded slightly shrill but not necessarily because he was opposed to the idea, he just had never really thought about it before.

"We are compatible on many levels. And maybe one day it would even lead to a bond but for now, I would be more than willing to just enjoy the moment..." Spock managed to look slightly sheepish because he had just used another human term but it seemed to really fit.

Jim blinked, Spock seemed to be waiting for an answer and Jim decided to just throw caution out the window.

This was a chance and wasn't he the one who was rumoured to always leap without looking?

"Alright then..." he agreed and he was surprised when Spock apparently took his agreement quite literally because the next thing he knew, hot lips were pressed to his own and his mouth was being coaxed open.

His hands were no longer restrained; one thumb was stroking his cheek while Jim tilted his head a little bit further back to allow Spock more access.

The other Vulcan hand was running slowly up and down his side, sending goosebumps down his spine.

Jim finally decided that it wasn't like him to be passive, so he raised his own hands, allowing them to fall onto the Vulcan's back.

He loved Spock's skin underneath his hands; so similar and yet so different at the same time.

Jim's hands trailed slower, grabbing Spock's butt, squeezing and pulling the Vulcan closer to his own body while Jim, at the same time arched his back and brought their hips and their cocks together.

A low growl emitted from Spock's throat and before he knew it, Jim's towel vanished and then a hot hand was holding his dick.

Jim let his head fall back, allowing Spock to gently stroke him, to coax him even harder than he had been before and he was barely aware of the gentle kisses that were being trailed down his naked chest until suddenly his cock was engulfed in a tight heat that had Jim nearly coming on the spot.

Spock apparently had done his research because he knew just how to suck and how to cradle his balls because Jim felt his orgasm coming on rather quickly.

"Spock..." he managed to mumbled and then he screamed when he emptied his load down Spock's throat and to his surprise the Vulcan didn't let go, he took it all, swallowing and milking his shaft until Jim was completely spent.

Jim closed his eyes, heart beating rapidly and he wasn't even totally aware when he was turned around and when his legs were gently being spread.

He was aware though when Spock parted his cheeks, pushing a finger slowly into his tight hole and for one brief moment he panicked because he hadn't done this in a long time.

Spock stilled, gently calling his name, asking for permission because obviously he had picked up on Jim's discomfort.

And honestly Jim wasn't quite sure what he wanted but then again, he also was no coward so he just parted his legs wider, pulling them up a bit so that his ass was raised, giving Spock the _go ahead_ without uttering a single word.

The finger was back and Jim felt himself being stretched and soon he just gave himself up to the sensation. It wasn't like he remembered; for some reason he actually felt being taken care off, as if Spock was showing him just how much he cared with every single stroke and despite being having been slightly apprehensive at first, he soon found himself caught up in the act.

When something much bigger than fingers nudged at his opening he was more than ready for it and he pushed back the moment Spock decided to push forward and with an uncharacteristic grunt, Spock had buried himself balls deep inside Jim.

It registered on Jim's mind that Spock must have found a lubricant somewhere but he was too distracted by Spock buried inside him to follow this train of thought.

He sighed and started moving, clenching his muscles and meeting Spock's thrusts as best as he could and in literally no time he found that his own cock was hard again and aching for release.

When he started to take himself in hand his hand was swatted away by Spock who just grabbed Jim's cock, stroking him in tandem with his thrusts and it didn't really take long for Jim to come again but this time Spock was only seconds behind, emptying himself inside Jim's body.

For a brief moment Jim wondered if they should've used protection but Bones was fairly good at making sure that the crew was healthy and he knew that he hadn't been sexually active for a while and Spock honestly wasn't the type to sleep around.

Still, Jim mused sleepily, if they were to do that again, which was probably a given, then they probably should talk about it...just to be sure.

He was already drifting off to sleep, which was slightly rude on his part but Spock didn't seem to mind because after a few moments Jim found his face pressed against a muscular chest, so clearly Spock was in the mood to cuddle.

That had Jim smile because he wouldn't have thought that the logical Spock would like something as human as _cuddling_ but here he was, holding on to Jim as if he were something precious and the small comforting circles that Spock's hand traced on Jim's back had him lulled into sleep in no time at all.

And for once, Jim slept soundly.

His last thought was that he was really glad that they had had this _conversation_...

Jim lazily stretched in bed; his hand looking for _someone_ or _something_ and it took him a few seconds to realize that he was looking for Spock.

He sleepily opened his blue eyes but it only took him a few seconds to confirm that he was alone in bed. He fought back a stab of hurt when he realized he was being silly because Vulcans didn't need as much sleep as humans so Spock was either awake and doing something or he was meditating.

For all his telepathic talents there was no way Spock could have known that Jim would've loved waking up with his lover still in his bed because to him that action alone signified that what they had shared last night was more than just a simple fact.

This idea came from the fact that most of the times, not to say all of the times, it had been Jim who had been sneaking out of the bed of some woman during the night so he had come to associate that kind of behaviour with no strings attached sex.

He was however going to have to work harder at his communication skills because if they were going to try this then both of them would have to communicate because relationships or friendships were difficult enough among humans and he could only just imagine how much more difficult it would be with a half Vulcan.

Jim stretched, lazily arching his back and after allowing himself a few more seconds of just enjoying not having to do anything, he finally got up.

He quickly got dressed, grabbing his work out clothes. He would prefer to actually go outside for a quick run but he knew better than that. This hotel though had a state of the art gym and contrary to Spock's problem with the press yesterday, he figured he should be able to have his work out without being molested by reporters.

When he left the bedroom he found Spock meditating so he quickly left a note stating that he had gone to the gym.

He had no idea what they were going to do now; the sex last night had been good, more than good even and even though they had talked (even though Spock had done most of the talking if Jim was honest) he still felt that they would've a lot more to discuss now that they were both awake.

But it could wait because he had the nagging suspicion that if he interrupted Spock during his meditation without a good cause, he might have a grumpy, stoic Vulcan on his hands and that wasn't really something he wanted.

So he left as quietly as he could and once he found the gym he quickly lost himself in running.

One could even say that running for him was the same as meditation to Spock; for Jim, running as if there was no tomorrow, just loosing himself in the pace was the only way he could totally leave all his worries and fears behind.

It was his way to cope with the world and it hadn't let him down yet.

That it also kept him fit and in rather good shape was a bonus but not the reason why he had picked up the habit...

Jim was in a good mood when he walked back to the room. The run had done him some good and the following old-fashioned water shower had almost been rejuvenating. He greatly enjoyed the fact that this hotel provided the luxury of the old fashioned way to shower because to Jim, having real water cascading down his body was just the only way to get really refreshed.

Sonic showers did the trick of getting clean but nothing beat the feeling of real water, at least in Jim's opinion.

His blond hair was still wet and he was dressed casually now in old jeans, boots and a simple dark coloured shirt.

Normally he wouldn't have bothered to shower in the gym, he would've just gone back to the room to do it there but considering that there was still a possibility of reporters lurking about, he hadn't wanted to run the risk of having his sweaty photo plastered all over the tabloids.

That probably meant that he was vain but he had still not seen a reason to take the risk so he had grabbed some cleans clothes and taken them with him.

He should've known that because for the first time in a while he actually felt rested, relaxed and just over all happy that life would not let him keep it.

**IV – Family**


	4. Chapter 4

_Thank you for all the reviews, every single one means a lot to me! We are now about half way through the story, this is the last story arch left to be told. Thanks so much for reading and commenting..._

**IV – Family**

The moment he entered the hallway leading to their temporary home, his instinct told him to just turn around and bail. And for the first time he ignored it and listened to his more logical side pointing out that he was just nervous about talking to Spock and that there was really nothing else to be worried about.

The moment he entered though he knew that he should've listened to his instinct because the atmosphere in the room was heavy but what was more importantly, Bones, Pike and Spock and one unknown man were all standing around the table, faces heavy with bad news.

The added two security officers standing not so discretely in the back had Jim's instinct on full alert but it was too late now, he was in the room and he wasn't going to run now. A part of him still told him that he was being silly because his friends were in the room too, so there really was no need to panic.

"What's up?" Jim tried for casual but when everyone looked at him he knew that something was really wrong.

"Do you deny that this is you in the picture?" Pike held a photo out to him and Jim walked towards his mentor taking the picture from him.

From that question alone he knew that whatever was up, _he_ was the one in trouble and for once he really had no clue what he should've have done. His behaviour had been exemplary, he hadn't really set one toe out of line and more importantly he _knew_ it.

He looked at the picture, not sure what to expect but he clearly hadn't expected to find to hold a photo of himself and his brother Sam, taken just after the Nero incident. Sam's full name was actually George Samuel Kirk but no one had ever called him George, he had always gone by Sam and now Jim quite honestly had a hard time even trying to think of his brother as anyone besides _Sam_...

No one had been allowed outside the academy grounds but when Sam had called him, asking to meet up, Jim had of course sneaked outside because he hadn't seen his brother in years and he had almost died so of course he had done as asked.

Was he in trouble for sneaking out?

But the atmosphere was a bit too tense than for something as simple as that Jim found himself to be at a loss.

"Do you deny that this you?" the other man, still without a name but looking just as important as Pike so clearly he was someone to be wary off.

Jim shook his head; "Of course not...That's me...and Sam..." he frowned, putting the picture down and looking at his friends, waiting for some sort of an explanation.

"You do know who that is right?" Pike asked and Jim's frowned deepened because was that a trick question?

Of course he knew who the man in the picture was. Sam had changed his diapers more than once, as his brother had so fondly later complained about, and it had been Sam who had taught him the fine art of hotwiring their stepfather's car when they needed it. It had been Sam who had taught him how to throw ball too so yes, he did know who that man in the picture was.

"Of course I know who that is..." Jim bit out because seriously, why did he feel as if this was a trial and he was being convicted without any charges being read?

"Sam Gray, one of the leaders of United Front." Pike said and Jim frowned again, a little _huh_ escaping his lips.

His mind drifted back to that one night, where the photo had been taken and how Sam had held him close, wanting to make sure that he was indeed in one piece. They hadn't talked much that night, mostly just shared drinks and enjoyed each other's company but then Sam had asked for Jim not to contact him unless it was an absolute emergency.

When asked why Sam had been cryptic but then again Sam had always been that way so Jim had just memorized the number and promised.

Clearly something was up and his brother was in danger. It was ludicrous to think that Sam was a terrorist or that he was involved with something like that so Jim didn't even waste a single thought on that.

However it was totally possible that Sam might have accidentally stumbled onto something he shouldn't have, the famous Kirk luck for getting into trouble wasn't solely his problem, so clearly Sam was in danger.

Before Jim however could start explaining, Bones finally said something, "How could you Jim?"

"What?" was all he had as a reply because he was once again losing the plot, wondering if maybe he had hit his head on the way back because none of this was making any sense.

"I would've never picked you for a xenophobe...and to be involved with someone like that..." Bones spat the sentence out as if he couldn't even picture something vile enough and Jim agreed, he wouldn't like anyone being involved in a terrorist organisation either but shouldn't his friends know better?

He looked from Bones to Spock who just stood there all rigid, which to the casual observer was nothing new but in his chase Jim had become quite good at deciphering small nuances in Spock's posture and body language and right now he wasn't just tense, he had totally shut down and there wasn't a single trace of support and comfort to be found.

His eyes trailed to his mentor and all he found was an accusation and sadness and when his gaze flickered back to Bones he saw disappointment and disbelieve.

Jim opened his mouth again but Bones was quicker because when his friend got started it was usually quite hard to slow him down.

"I mean after Tarsus IV you were bound to have some problems..." Bones didn't seem to be aware that he had just broken Jim's confidence and that he had revealed something that he shouldn't have.

"You were on Tarsus IV?" Pike interrupted and even Spock looked slightly mortified now because there wasn't a single person left in the Federation who hadn't heard of the atrocities committed on that planet.

"You probably need more help than I thought..." Bones continued, "But for you to get involved with that group...I thought you were better than that..."

Jim blinked and even though not all pieces had settled in his mind, he had finally realized a few things.

First of all his friends had decided that he was guilty, Bones had betrayed his confidence and as a matter of fact all of this friends had betrayed his trust because they hadn't asked for any explanation, they had just assumed the worst and that had been it.

But more importantly, Sam was in danger because if that photo was now surfacing, after all this time, that could only mean that something was up and he wasn't going to let that happen.

"Arrest Captain Kirk..." the still un-named man ordered and Jim reacted on instinct.

Running was never a good idea but he needed to warn his brother and family was after all-important and Sam was it. Sam was all he had left and a few minutes ago he might have led everything play itself out but now he could no longer trust his friends to have his back, not after what had just happened and if he got locked up, then Sam would be out there all alone and maybe not even aware that trouble was heading his way.

Jim stood still, pretending to be surprised and quite frankly that wasn't even all that difficult to pull off but when the men were behind him, pulling his hands behind his back, Jim reacted too quickly for anyone to stop him.

The guards were down in a heart beat and with one stolen phaser he ran into the bathroom, locking the door behind him and then sealing it shut by using the phaser to damage the console.

It wouldn't keep them out for long but it would buy him some time.

He hadn't even bothered to consider running out the front door because if there was security in here then there would be security out there as well and after all, doing what was expected had never been his strong suite.

People had often commented on the fact that he was good in a crisis and well, this _was_ a crisis and contrary to popular believe he didn't stop to think things through and consider the best course of action. A reason why he was so good under pressure was because he _stopped_ thinking and just acted.

If he had stopped to think about it, running into the bathroom would've been a bad idea but he didn't pause for a minute. The moment the door was temporarily sealed shut, he adjusted the phaser settings, setting it for a mild stun because if he had to use it, he really didn't want to injure anyone.

Without thinking twice about it, he aimed it at the bathroom window and fired. The window broke into a million tiny pieces and the next minute he was already crawling through the shards and carefully balancing himself on the ledge.

He knew that there was an edge running from every window to the next. He had seen it when he had casually popped his head out the window a night or so ago and he was using that knowledge now to his advantage.

He was good with heights and with climbing but if he had stopped to consider just how crazy this move was, he would've probably lost valuable time and then maybe not done it at all.

Instead, only mere minutes after almost getting arrested he was carefully balancing himself high up in the air, edging further and further away from the bathroom window and towards another window to the far left.

Even though it was a calm day, this high up in the air there was always a breeze and Jim had to avoid looking down to keep his balance. He wasn't scared of heights but the edge was narrow and just one moment of distraction could cost him his footing and then his life would be over.

His life as he knew it was already over but he really didn't want it to end just yet.

He nearly stumbled and lost his footing when he aimed at the window but instead of falling backwards he forced his body to fall forwards and he hissed in pain when he went through the window only seconds after firing the phaser.

The window broke around him and much like a wet dog, once he was on the inside he took a moment to shake himself, tiny bits of glass falling to the ground.

The window he had broken through had led into a bedroom and after a quick look around he concluded that he was on his own.

He quickly opened the suitcases, looking for something to disguise himself with because he had no time to lose. He needed to get out of the hotel and out of the area if he wanted to stand a chance of escaping and he knew that every minute he lost, they would get closer in capturing him.

He scanned the luggage and when he found one of those modern devices used to temporarily change a woman's hair colour, he quickly scanned the instructions, set it on black and then aimed it a his head. The effect would only last for twenty four hours but his blond head would be the first thing anyone would be looking for.

He tossed the device to the ground, grabbing some dark sunglasses and then from what he assumed was the boy friend's or husband's luggage, he snagged a dark hoodie.

The disguise wasn't perfect but unless they looked really close, it would serve him just fine.

He grabbed a few loose coins, enough to maybe pay for a public transport fare and he ignored the money chips left carelessly on the nightstand.

Sooner or later they would find out that he had been here and if he used those chips, registered to the owners, then they could trace his movements and that move on his part would've been just downright stupid. Only amateurs went for the quick fix and if he had learned anything in his life then it was how to stay under the radar and how to avoid detection.

He took a deep breath before exiting the room, using all his will power to stroll casually down the hall and he even sent a few choice words after a few security people who blocked his way.

No one paid him any attention but he still made sure to avoid that his face was anywhere near a security camera.

Thankfully most cameras were in the lobby but even though he hadn't really paid that much attention before, he had learned to be fully aware of his surrounding on Tarsus IV and those few months of hell were coming in as an advantage now.

He would've preferred to avoid the lift but taking the stairs from the high floor he was on would've appeared suspicious so he selected the button for the main restaurant, second floor.

If on the run, most people would just run for the nearest exit and they would get caught moments later. The gym was located on the same floor as the restaurant and he had noticed that on the back of it there was an extra entrance for people who weren't hotel guest.

He took extra care to carefully walk casually, smiling at a few people and to just appear as if he was just another tourist and he fought to suppress any urge he had to just run for it.

Thankfully no guards were in place here and it would appear that no one had alerted any security outside of Starfleet yet. He had probably moved quick enough but he only allowed a small sigh of relief when he was through the exit, down the stairs and outside.

Taking a cab would require more money than he had and he quickly discarded any notions of _borrowing_ a vehicle because eventually someone would report the theft and then they would be able to trace the location of the car, which would lead them straight to him.

Before he could contact his brother he had to make sure that no one was following him so he couldn't once again take the easy fix.

He had no time to waste either but thankfully luck was on his side for once because a public transportation shuttle heading towards the nearest Earth bound transit port just pulled up.

He quickly entered, handed some chips over to the driver and then took his seat. He made sure not to have his face exposed to the cameras in place but that was easy: the sun was out so his sun glasses masked his eyes and even though it was already late spring, the late morning air was still cold, so no one thought twice about the fact that he had his hoodie pulled up.

He was glad that the fashion right now was once again mimicking something from the past and he smiled a little bit when he remembered his mother saying that nothing ever really went out of fashion. And she was right, some things always seemed to come back and right now he was really grateful for it.

He tried to relax for the ride but he still sighed in relief when the vehicle finally pulled into the station.

He was pretty sure that the closest perimeter around the hotel had been sealed off by now but he couldn't get too sloppy because sooner or later they would realize that he was gone and despite his best efforts, he was quite certain that they would be able to trace his movements to the station sooner or later.

However he was hoping that once he got out of the station that he would be able to just vanish. He had used this technique before on Tarsus IV when he had slipped onto the transporter his uncle had arranged and he figured that it was really true: no skill learned was useless.

He quickly got out, still trying his best to avoid the cameras but he was aware that if they figured out he had changed his hair colour they would be able to trace him quick enough because he couldn't completely avoid being exposed.

However there was one place where there were no cameras and that was the restroom.

Once inside he made sure no one was around and then he quickly made sure the alarm was re-routed on the window and then he opened it, quickly pulling himself through it.

Just deactivating the alarm would've raised it just as if he had smashed it but by re-routing it, no one would notice unless someone went looking for it. He closed the window behind him, quickly scanned the area but there were no cameras in here. He would have to avoid being seen once again when he got onto the main road but luck was once again on his side because a vehicle was parked, the ignition running so clearly who ever had left it here was going to come back shortly.

It was a small transporter of sorts and Jim didn't even think twice about it; he lifted the fabric that was pulled over what appeared to be some discharged technical equipment, climbed onto the truck and the pulled the cover down again.

Moments later he heard a door being pulled shut and the vehicle took off.

He had no clue where he was going but anywhere would be better than here and after running twice through the recent events, Jim was quite certain that he had left no trace behind.

Given a few days, someone as smart as Spock would surely be able to figure out what he had done but by then he planned to be long gone. For now he was in the clear, he just needed to make sure to leave the vehicle before being detected.

He closed his eyes, images from before running through his mind but he forced them back down because if he allowed himself to think about what had happened now, how Bones had betrayed his trust and how neither one of the men he had considered to be friends had believed in him, he would just loose it and he couldn't afford to get all emotional right now.

There was a time and place when he would allow himself to wallow in his hurt because it was only natural to do so but right now wasn't the time for it.

The vehicle finally stopped somewhere for longer than for a few seconds and Jim didn't hesitate once; he quickly pulled the fabric away, jumped out and secured it again.

His casual walk was a lie but no one was around to notice the difference because it would seem that luck was still on his side because he had gotten out in one of the many industrial areas of the city and more importantly: it was a run-down area with lots of empty complexes which also meant that the security around here would be lax or non existent.

He walked a few blocks, making sure that no one was following him and when he was as certain as he could be, he located a communications device.

It was an old one and for a few moments he thought it would no longer be working but thankfully, lady luck was still smiling on him because the device took his last coin and then Jim was able to dial Sam's number.

No one answered but he left a quick message and now all he had to do was wait.

He had to believe that Sam would listen to his voice mail often enough to be reachable in an emergency but he still had to find shelter because he doubted that Sam would be here in the next five minutes.

The empty warehouse behind him looked like a good idea so he ran across the street, fought his way through one of the windows and then once he was on the inside, he finally allowed himself to sit down and to just breathe...

Night had fallen some time ago and with it, the temperature had dropped considerably. It was still a nice spring night but Jim wasn't dressed enough for it and the cooled out warehouse provided little to no protection.

He was huddled close to himself, knees bent, face pressed into his arms and he might have even been rocking back and forth but he really wasn't paying any attention.

His thoughts were focused inwards, he was trying to sort through his own pain, he was hoping that he had missed something, that there was some clue buried in his friend's behaviours that he had missed before but even after going over everything time and time again, the conclusion was still always the same: his friends hadn't believed in him.

They had chosen to believe in lies, they had decided that based on flimsy evidence he was some sort of xenophobic prick and at least sympathetic towards a terrorist organisation.

He might be able to accept that Pike could think the worst of him; the man after all didn't really know him all that well even though they had spent countless hours together and he had helped Jim with his goals and study plans.

It hurt more that Bones had apparently believed the lies because the doctor had been his friend for years and he was the only person apart from Sam that he had completely trusted to always have his back.

He felt ambivalent about Spock because the night before Spock had given him something precious and the romantic in him was insisting that his lover should've known better but Spock was a logical person and if there had been some evidence for him to doubt Jim then Jim couldn't quite fault him for at least considering it.

Faith in a friend required emotion and even though he had never doubted that Spock felt emotions he knew that the Vulcan wasn't ruled by them.

So he was willing to cut Spock some slack but what he couldn't forgive, any of them, was the fact that they hadn't bothered to ask him any questions. They hadn't asked him to clarify or to explain and even the first question had been said with an accusation because instead of asking, _Is this you?_ Pike had asked, _Do you deny that this is you?_

They had already decided that he was guilty even before he had set a foot inside his room and that betrayal was currently hurting so much that at times Jim felt as if he couldn't breathe.

He was stronger than this though; he had survived worse pain than betrayal and disappointment and it was his own fault really for letting his guard down in the first place.

If he and Sam got out of this in one piece and if by some miracle he kept his job, in one fashion or the other, then he would never make that mistake again.

Trust was a luxury that he apparently wasn't supposed to afford and he was intelligent enough never to make the same mistake twice.

"Jimmy!"

Jim didn't react at first because he was still too much fixated on his own gloomy thoughts but when he was pulled into an almost bone crushing hug he finally returned to the world, "Sam...!" he replied, hugging back and he had to sniff covertly a few times to make sure that he didn't look as if he had been crying when his brother finally pulled away.

"You're still hard to find..." Sam scolded him and Jim tilted his blond head in a question when Sam just ruffled his head, "You told me where you called from but not really where you would be...I checked the other warehouse first before I found you here..."

"Oh..." was the only smart reply Jim had left because he had to admit that after thinking of so many things, _that_ was one thing he had overlooked.

"Don't you worry little brother, I'm here now..." Sam ruffled his hair again and Jim playfully swatted his hand away even though he didn't really mind.

"So what happened..." Sam sat down on the dirty floor, back to the wall and looked sideways to catch Jim's face.

Jim shrugged because now that he had to put it into so many words he didn't quite know where to start so he just started right when his life had started to unravel: when he had entered the hotel room.

After the was done recapping the events, he added, "If it had been just me I would've let them arrest me because I know that they can't charge me with anything apart from maybe having bad taste in brothers but I got the impression that they were after you...whoever _they_ is...and I needed to warn you...and if they arrested me I couldn't do that..."

He could've still called his brother's number but the number might have ended up getting traced and that wasn't a risk that Jim had been willing to take. Besides, everything had happened so quickly that he really hadn't been able to run through all the possible scenarios in his head. Instinct had taken over and his only goal had been to get to his brother and to make sure he was safe.

Bones had once told him that he was loyal and he had never really seen it but now he had proof, apparently he was indeed loyal but then again, wasn't that how brothers were supposed to be?

Then again, weren't mothers supposed to love their children and while he was sure that on some level his mother cared for him he hadn't really spoken to her in years and even before then he had barely seen her.

He had more or less raised himself with the help of Sam and the abusive hand of his step-father but his mother hadn't really influenced his life at all. She had just been absent...

"I'm sorry you got caught up in all of this..." Sam said slowly and Jim sighed because now he had confirmation that there was something going on.

"Just tell me..." he said quietly, "You owe me that much at this stage..."

"Yes, you're right..." Sam said, "But not here, let's get you to a motel, have you cleaned up and then we can talk. It might be a good idea to catch a news broadcast to find out if they are looking for the golden boy or if they've chosen to keep that quiet..."

"You think they might publicly accuse me and start a manhunt?" Jim should've considered that before because his face was well known but Sam was shaking his head in the dark. "I don't think so because image wise that would do more damage to Starfleet than anything else but I still want to double check. They might report you missing which would be just as effective as issuing a warrant."

And Sam was right with that too because as long as people were looking for him, he was in trouble.

"Alright, lead the way." he said and when Sam held out his hand to help him up, Jim grabbed it, allowing himself to be pulled up to his feet.

They shared a small smile and then they walked, side by side, out of the warehouse.

Sam found them a motel room in a really run down part of town but it was still better than some of the places Jim had slept in.

He didn't ask any questions on how Sam had paid for it or how he had avoided having his ID checked because clearly if Sam had been on the run then he had his ways of getting by.

Jim tried to be patient but thankfully he wasn't tested for long because when Sam came back brining some take out with him, he quickly started talking.

And Jim listened while eating his sandwich, feeling a little bit happy that Sam still remembered what he liked.

"You didn't see yourself when you came back from Tarsus IV." Sam started and even though Jim wanted to ask questions he stayed silent because he owed it to his brother to let him tell this story at his own pace. He could always ask questions later...

"I can't describe to you what it felt like to have a shell of a brother come back from what was supposed to be a fun summer..." Sam did some dismissive wave with his hand and Jim understood him loud and clear.

Frank had sent him away because he had wanted Jim gone but the only reason why Sam hadn't cried murder was because he had thought that Jim would get a nice summer, away from the constant abuse and to actually have some fun.

It hadn't turned out that way and for the first time Jim realized that Sam felt responsible for it because he had never protested that he had been sent away. Jim doubted that Sam would've actually been able to do something about it but logic didn't really apply when it came to brotherly feelings.

"Your constant nightmares, the flinching every time someone got close to you, even me...and what was worse was that the light was gone from your eyes. They seemed dead to the world while before you had left, they had always been smiling. Frank had never managed to snuff out that light and then that cursed planet happened and you came back dead on the inside."

Jim cringed because he didn't remember it that way. Sure, he did remember having a hard time adjusting and being unable to talk about what had happened, to at least acknowledge it had been hard but he had moved on and he hadn't really thought that that he had been that damaged.

Clearly he must have been wrong because he didn't think that Sam was exaggerating right now. Jim didn't want to hear it, he didn't want to hear how damaged he had been and how damaged he might still be but even he couldn't deny the ring of truth when he heard it.

"Anyway, Frank wasn't unaffected either...you didn't notice anything back then but despite being a royal ass, even he drew a line at genocide and when I started mouthing off about non humans and how we would've been all better off if we had just stayed on our planet he sort of agreed with me and eventually I tagged along when he went to a few meetings."

Jim had a hard time eating his sandwich now because he was rapidly losing his appetite but he kept on taking bites because it was keeping him from actually talking and shouting and asking his brother if he had lost his mind.

"It took me a while but eventually I noticed that while I did feel a certain anger at the world, I really wasn't xenophobic because it wasn't non-humans that had killed all those people on Tarsus IV, the killers had been humans and it had been the Federation which had failed to respond on time so it would really not be right to blame non-humans for our own fuck ups."

Sam smiled sadly, "I was still angry though and you might remember that for a while I had a chip on my shoulder..."

"I remember that you constantly got into fights..." Jim finally said something and they both shared a smile while Sam nodded, "Yeah...I was seventeen, stupid and young and my kid brother might never be sane again so yes, I was acting out and if Frank had manned up to what he had done, then maybe you could've been helped and maybe I would've learned how to channel my own anger..."

Jim took another bite because what Sam said might be true but then again, it was too late now to cry over spilled milk.

What was done was done and the past couldn't be changed.

"In any case, I didn't continue going to those meetings even though Frank did and a few years actually passed until I ran into an old buddy of mine..." Sam continued, "I think it was right about the time you joined Starfleet and I might've been a bit put out with you at the time because you made a life altering decision without me and Gabe caught me at bad time."

Jim opened his mouth to tell his brother that he was perfectly capable of making decisions for his own life but Sam just shushed him with a quick wave and Jim let it be because that wasn't really the point of this conversation.

"You have no idea how quickly you can get caught up in things but if I had wanted I could've still stepped back but sadly, our famous Kirk luck had put me at the wrong place at the wrong time because I overheard something that I shouldn't have."

Now Jim was all ears and he had the horrible suspicion that he knew were this was going.

"They were planning a murder of one of the alien ambassadors but even I knew that if I went to the authorities with nothing but rumours no one would believe me. It was stupid of me to believe that I could handle this on my own, I really got no idea what I had been thinking, maybe I thought if my brother could join Starfleet then I should be doing something worthwhile too...anyway, " Sam continued after a pause, "I let myself be pulled deeper to find out more details and once I knew what was going on, I contacted an old friend of Mom's."

"He set me up with the right kinds of people and before I knew it I was an undercover agent without having gone through proper channels. I got my contact info but apart from that there is no trace anywhere that I am working for the good guys. And I guess that's the only reason why I am still alive because I've watched a few _proper_ agents end up dead ever since I infiltrated United Front."

Jim's mouth hung slightly open because he was hearing what his brother was saying but he couldn't believe what was coming out of his brother's mouth.

"But you're Sam Kirk..." Jim interrupted, "Surely someone would've recognized you by now...I mean I don't want to brag but I'm kind of famous and I would assume that the press would've tried to talk to anyone who I know...especially family..."

Sam nodded, "But you see...that's the thing...my contact made sure that my files were sort of sealed...anyone looking for Sam Kirk will still find records of him but honestly there weren't never that many of me because I dropped out of high school at fifteen and let's face it, I never really held any legal job for long."

Jim nodded, knowing where this was going.

"Any pictures on the records would be old ones and my new alias, Sam Gray is an orphan who if you squinted your eyes just right enough might bear a resemblance to a Sam Kirk but as far as the public is concerned, your no good brother fell of the face of the Earth quite a few years ago."

"It doesn't help that apart from a few phone calls we haven't really met up over the last few years...and the first time was in that bar after Nero's defeat."

Jim blanched a little bit after having said that because he realized that he might have brought danger to his brother, "What if it was because of me that you're in danger now? What if the photo wasn't taken because of you but because of me?"

Sam just shrugged, "Could be but frankly it doesn't matter. The game I am playing is a high-risk game anyway and there was always a chance that someone would find out. And quite frankly so far being linked to you isn't really a problem for me just for you."

Jim frowned but Sam quickly explained, "It might even be good for me if I could use your name...it would be quite a thing for the United Front if the hero of the Federation were to join them..."

"Yes, maybe..." Jim admitted, "But now thanks to my face, Starfleet knows of our connection so now the authorities will be after you...because of me..."

Sam shrugged again, "It doesn't really matter...I've gathered enough details to have the current leaders locked up for life..."

"Then why haven't you pulled out yet?" Jim demanded to know and Sam sent him a small smiled, "Because it is the money that makes the game..."

"And only if you get the money behind the men can you make sure that the United Front doesn't regroup..." Jim finished for his brother and Sam sent him a mockingly proud smile, "I knew you had brains hidden somewhere in your blond, pretty head..."

"Hey...!" Jim objected but Sam just smiled winningly at him so Jim let it go because he wasn't here to fight, not even in good fun.

"So are you close enough to find the money?" he asked eventually, preparing himself for years on the run but instead Sam surprised him, "Actually all we have to do is hang in there until tomorrow evening because I'm invited to this party...and apparently something big is being planned all the high players..." Sam proudly pointed at himself, "And that includes me...are invited to meet the man behind the scenes..."

"So tomorrow you will know who is the money behind the organisation..."Jim said and Sam finished the sentence, "And once I have that information, it will all be over."

"Then I'm coming with you..."

"Oh no way..." Sam cut Jim off but Jim wasn't having it. "You said it yourself, now that my name is in the mix, the rules of the game have changed. Someone, either by accident or on purpose, linked us together and I can tell you, if I didn't know that you were my brother, that picture would've told quite a different story..."

Sam frowned for a moment before he finally got it, "They thought we were lovers..."

Jim nodded, "And if we're that close it would stand to reason that I would come to you for help...and if you show up without me...then it might cause suspicion."

"You do realize that your theory is a little bit far fetched..." Sam countered but Jim stuck to his point.

"Either way, my presence can only help you...because like you said, I'm officially on the run now, _someone _aught to know about that because that picture was found, so I got a legitimate reason to be there...especially if we make it look as if I had always been on your side, that I just kept my mouth shut to get through the academy and anyone with just a little ounce of brain would be able to understand that when I became the youngest captain in Starfleet history that I would keep my true opinions to myself..."

"So now that you are finally free you can speak up?" Sam offered and Jim nodded, "And besides, you're in danger and I can't just let you walk into what could a hairy situation without doing something about it...you can use back up for this, and you know it."

"You really won't let this go...?" Sam asked and Jim just raised an eyebrow, challenging his brother without actually saying anything further apart from, "Would you let me go on my own if the roles were reversed?"

"I'm your big brother..." Sam pointed out, "_I_ should be the one looking after you and not the other way round..."

Jim rolled his eyes, "That aside, I'm simply not going to let you risk your life, not if I can help you keep it."

Sam sighed but eventually he relented because he could obviously tell that Jim was serious about it.

"Alright..."he said, "but for now, go clean up...I'll get some fresh clothes and then we sleep..."

Jim smiled, pulling his shirt over his head without needing any further prompting and he was startled when Sam tugged on his still black hair, "How long is that colour going to stay?" he asked and Jim just shrugged, "Don't you like it?"

"No..." Sam answered honestly, "it makes you look too pale and besides, blond _is_ you...in every sense of the word..."

Jim grabbed a pillow and through it at his brother, "It is supposed to last for twenty four hours so by the time we're due at that party of yours, I should be back to blond."

"Glad to hear it."

Jim felt slightly apprehensive as they walked up the well-manicured lawn towards the gigantic mansion.

When Sam had said that they were going to meet _the money_ he hadn't really quite taken it so literally but maybe he should have because anyone outfitting and financing a terrorist organisation just had to have money in spades.

The plan, as per Sam was quite simple and Jim approved even though it felt odd to him to be walking into a potentially dangerous situation without his own crew behind just a quick _beam me up_ away.

He hadn't realized how used he had gotten to his constant support system until it was gone but he forced those thoughts out of his mind because what was done was done and there simply was no going back for him.

Sam had no plans to actually linger; apparently his brother was professional enough to just get to the party, have a look around and then to find out who was financing it even though Jim thought that it was probably going to be the guy hosting the party.

However Sam was right, suspicion was one thing but they needed some sort of proof to tie this guy to the United Front and they were both quite certain that they would be getting that tonight.

Once Sam had the recording of it, they would sneak out, pretending to be looking for _a private spot_ and then they would run like hell.

And that would be the end of Sam's undercover career and maybe Jim would have a life and a career of his own to get back to.

However the plan didn't quite work out how they both had envisioned it and that was why they both found themselves running for their lives a few hours later.

Sam had managed to not only get the money shot but also incriminating evidence but unfortunately someone had finally discovered that Sam had been bugged which had obviously meant that their luck had run out.

"This wasn't supposed to happen..." Sam wheezed out as he ran up the stairs and down a hallway, locking them both into yet another bathroom.

The Kirk brothers seemed to have a thing about _hiding in bathrooms_ and if the situation weren't so dire Jim would actually find it funny.

Unfortunately security, once alerted was a lot better here than it had been at the hotel, so Jim wasn't going to be able to just climb out the window again. Not if he wanted to live at least...

Jim shrugged after Sam's words because best laid plans and all...

"There must have been a leak somewhere because this technology I'm carrying is so new that one week ago it hadn't even existed..."

Jim shrugged again because what did that matter now?

Jim narrowed his eyes, something finally occurring to him, "Wait a minute...if this was your last foray into espionage and if this was such an important deal, did they give you a way out?"

Sam fidgeted and now Jim was sure that the only reason why Sam was still here was because of him.

"Use it..." Jim said without thinking about it but Sam just shook his head, "Look all I need to do is press this button and then an emergency beam would activate, taking me away to safety but it only works for one...you were never supposed to be here and there was no time to adjust the settings for two..."

"The information you have with you is more important than that right now." Jim pointed out logically even though he was screaming on the inside because he didn't want to be stuck here on his own but he was an officer as well, and right now it was more important that those terrorists get stopped.

"I won't leave you here all alone..." Sam stubbornly protested and Jim could relate because he wouldn't like doing it either if roles were reversed but if being captain had thought him something then it was that sometimes, even against your own desires, you had to take the hard way out and right now, Sam had to leave and get the much needed information to safety.

If they were both caught then everything would've been for nothing.

"Leave Sam..." Jim insisted and eventually the officer inside Sam realized that this was what had to happen too.

"I'll come back for you Jimmy..."Sam insisted, "I'll hand the chip over, brief them as quickly as I can and then I have them take me right back and I'll bring back up..."

Jim nodded, smiling faintly at his brother because both of them knew that if by then Jim would still be alive it would be a miracle.

On the other hand, having the golden boy of the Federation as a hostage might be of appeal to those people so maybe for once Jim's fame would actually help him out.

"I know Sam..." Jim reassured his brother, "I'll wait for you..."

Sam sighed, smiled as well and then pressed his button.

The all too familiar swirls materialized around Sam and then moments later Jim's brother was gone. A few seconds later the door burst open and Jim prepared himself to put up a fight even though he knew that it was pointless.

He was caught, there was no doubt about it but he didn't have to go down without putting up a good fight. He owed that to himself.

"By the time I'm done with you, you'd wish you were dead..."

Jim was already hoping for that but he didn't have the strength left to say that out loud.

Where was Sam?

He had no idea how much time had passed but it had to have been hours so clearly Sam was delayed and what if his brother wasn't going to come at all?

But Sam had promised but then again it wouldn't be the first time that his brother had broken a promise...

Sam would never hurt him intentionally, Jim insisted but there was a part of himself that wondered that maybe in the end coming back for a no good little brother just simply hadn't been worth it just like his supposed friends had turned his back on him without any effort either.

Maybe he simply wasn't worth it and he tiredly wondered when he had managed to learn how to block out pain because he knew that he was aching, that his body was shutting down already from all the blows and kicks he had received and that wasn't even counting the hits to the head that were making his mind spin.

"I won't kill you...but this will be so much better..." the evil voice said once again and Jim wondered what it was about him that apparently always seemed to attract people who wanted to hurt him.

It had to be his fault because he didn't know anyone else that had such rotten luck as him. His lucky star was clearly malfunctioning but there wasn't anything he could do about it.

Something cold and heavy was put over his blond head, his body jerked because an electric shot of some kind ran through him and before could form another thought, darkness filled his mind.

And then, there simply was nothing left.


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry for the delay but here is the next bit. I had a little mishap with my files, this version is supposed to be the beta version but frankly I got now way of verifying that because between programs freezing on me and me deleting stuff – I just don't know...I hope you will enjoy it and please review it if you do...**

**More should follow very soon! **

**And I am trying to figure out how to put spaces into the story because I DO HAVE!!! But apparently the sign I use doesn't get upload to so I had to go and put BBBBBB in every break...sorry about that...**

**V – Lost**

"Jimmy, wake up..." a female voice called out to him but Jim didn't want to wake up. He was tired, his body ached from a hard day's work and there was really nothing wrong with him taking a few more minutes to sleep.

"There was an accident at the mines, they will need all our help..."the woman said again and this time Jim opened his eyes, looking around and he sat up slowly frowning.

He glanced at the old blanket that was currently pooling at his feet, he saw the dirty clothes he was wearing and a quick glance around the tiny room told him that it wasn't really much more than a run down hut in what appeared to be some sort of dry land.

There was sand everywhere and even though he could see that some effort had been undertaken to keep it out, it was still everywhere.

The air smelled dry but still sweet and even though the soft breeze currently ruffling his slightly longish hair was hot, it still felt familiar and almost like home.

"You've forgotten again..."the woman said resigned and Jim finally turned his head around to look at her.

She was an older woman, dressed in ragged clothes much like he was and it was obvious that she had been worn down by a hard life. Her eyes were kind though and despite the resigned tone in her voice just moments ago, he could tell that she cared.

"What happened..."Jim said slowly, rubbing his face because he was still trying to wake up and for some reason his mind was also sluggish. He didn't like the feeling and he had the odd sensation that it wasn't supposed to be like that.

"Don't you worry your pretty head, kid..."the woman ruffled his head with affection but Jim shook his head, "Tell me...what's wrong...? I don't understand..."his voice carried a hint of insecurity and the woman eventually sighed.

"There's something wrong with your mind. I think you were in an accident, maybe hit your head really good...I found you out in the desert a few months ago and ever since then...well there are days when you wake up and all you remember is your name..."

Jim frowned, searching his mind but the woman was right. He didn't remember being found, he didn't remember the desert but he did feel that he knew this place, that he had been here before and he also knew his name: Jim.

He had no idea what his last name was, he had no idea how old he was or where he even was but he found that it really didn't matter because he was here and this was his life and that was simply all that there was to it.

Jim nodded slowly, accepting the hand offered to help him get up.

"Maybe if this wasn't such a forgotten outpost I could've gotten you some help but we barely get any trade at all..." the woman sounded as if this genuinely upset her and Jim found himself shrugging again, wanting to comfort her even though he didn't really know why.

"I'm fine..."He smiled softly, "A little banged up in the head maybe but I think I'm healthy...I got a life...I can't complain, right? It could be so much worse..."

The woman smiled in return, obviously pleased with his simple outlook on life and Jim just smiled in return.

"Fara..."another strange man entered, "They need all the help they can get..."

Jim found himself trailing after the woman and the man, his quick blue eyes darting left and right, taking in the mining town and then the obvious poverty he saw.

Clearly the woman hadn't lied to him; these settlers didn't have much but apparently they still seemed content with their lot in life.

Maybe that was where his accepting nature was coming from or maybe it was simply how his life was and there was nothing to be done about it.

He tilted his head upwards, marvelling at the blue sky and frowning slightly at the red sun because was it supposed to be this colour?

He flashed to a yellow sun for a minute but that fleeting memory was gone before he could consciously realize that it had happened.

No one spoke to him; it was obvious that he was somewhat considered as not important, clearly waking up all the time without any memory would do that to anyone but Jim still found himself listening and eventually his quiet attention paid off.

Apparently a Starfleet vessel had come to this planet to do some research in the mines and an unexpected earthquake had collapsed a tunnel, trapping those men deep beneath the earth.

Jim was about to just shrug it off because he somehow knew that these miners would get to those men eventually but then a memory came back to him and he knew that time was running out.

He pushed passed the man around him, grabbing some datapad and quickly scrolling through the information not even realizing that he was handling difficult scientific information that he should probably not be familiar with.

He was right; the men were trapped in the old temple and Jim knew first hand that the rocks down there was poisonous.

A brief exposure didn't do anything to anyone but trapped without any new oxygen to replenish the air, those men would die of the poison long before any help could get to them.

"Can't we just get Scotty to beam them up?" an almost familiar voice said not too far from him and Jim was only listening with half an ear, trailing through the tunnels he somehow remembered in his mind.

He was familiar with this place; he might not be consciously aware of it but the knowledge was there and even without remembering who he was, he knew without a shred of doubt that he wasn't the type of man to let people die – not if there was something he could do about it.

"Can't..."someone replied to the question, "There's something in the rocks that interferes with the signal so we're going to have to do it the old fashioned way, dig them out..."

And they wouldn't have the time for that.

"The rocks leak poison..."Jim finally spoke but and he was addressing the unfamiliar voice of the man before him causing him to miss the startled expression on the other man's face.

"Why don't you leave this rescue to people who know what they're doing...?" the insult was there. Obviously a local couldn't possibly know anything of importance and since time was of essence and Jim knew of another way of how to get into the old temple he just let it drop.

If he could get to them and lead them out the other way, then the men would still end up saved. He really didn't have the time to stand there and fight when he knew that he was right.

Besides, he really didn't need help for this; he knew the way after all.

"Captain!" someone was shouting and because Jim had no clue that he was being addressed, he didn't stop and just took off, leaving the mining entrance behind and speeding up the mountain.

He knew the way, even if he wasn't really aware of it and if someone had been following him, he soon left them behind.

**BBBBBB**

Tunnel vision was what he would've called what he was experiencing now if he knew a word for it.

Jim's focus was solely on getting to the trapped men so he ignored the heat around him and his protesting body.

The planet seemed to be a dry one but it wasn't without water which was obvious when he crossed a stream and then ducked through a waterfall to get into a cave hidden behind it.

If he had been in a different frame of mind he might have stopped and admired the scenery because the place was rather beautiful but in the state of mind he was in, Jim didn't even notice.

He was running on auto pilot, knowing where he was going even though he wasn't really fully aware at the same time because he still couldn't remember what had happened apart from waking up this morning.

He stopped for a minute to retrieve something that had been hanging on his belt, staring at it for a second because he couldn't remember taking a torch with him but then he just shrugged, using it to light his way into the darkness of the mountain.

In here the air was cooler but also staler but the difficulty to breath didn't slow him down.

He could hear the mountain breathing around him, rocks rumbling and he could tell that the earth wasn't done moving yet. He didn't need any fancy equipment to be able to tell him that and it spurned him on further.

When he came to a dead end he twitched slightly because it took him a few seconds to find the relevant memory and then he touched a stone with a strange marking on it, pushing it into the stone wall and then as if by magic, the apparently fixed wall moved before his eyes, sliding leftwards.

There was no fancy equipment at work here, just some good old fashioned ingenuity and even though this was an ancient, unidentified alien temple of sorts, at least that was what he thought considering the strange scribbles on the wall, it still echoed of a civilisation long forgotten.

Maybe that was why the strange men had come down here but over all, Jim was more concerned with getting them out and to safety than with how they had ended up there.

He stepped through the open doorway and moments later, he hurried up yet another small tunnel until he emerged in the main cavern.

And just like he had hoped, the men he had been looking for where all there.

There were three men and one woman, holding strange equipments, obviously trying themselves to find a way out and Jim smiled because no fancy tricorder was going to pick up the hidden entrance because nothing mechanic, at least as far as he had been able to tell, had been used to build it.

The woman looked already pale and one man, cursing loudly seemed to have caught on to the fact that the air was turning poisonous on them.

"There is another way out..."Jim blurred out because there was really no graceful way to just appear.

He wasn't prepared though for the reaction he received because the already pale woman actually fainted once she saw him and the man who had been cursing moments before actually looked as if he was about to faint too.

Suddenly a phaser was pointed at him, someone was asking him who he was and if he thought this was a joke and Jim involuntarily flinched, taking a step back.

A memory was tugging at the edges of his mind, something was trying to break free but judging from how scared he was all of a sudden he wasn't really so sure if he wanted to let that memory surface.

"Jim?" one man took a step forward and Jim blinked, realizing his mistake because even though he looked like a human he clearly wasn't because he had pointed ears and just really dark eyes.

There was something about that man that once again tugged at the edges of his mind but then before any thought could form, he was suddenly engulfed in a hug, nearly being crushed to his bones.

"Jim..." he was being called again and Jim rolled his eyes, standing all stiff because the strange man was hugging him and he had no clue what to do about it.

He had expected some gratitude for saving them but this was just downright odd. He might not remember things but he was pretty certain that hugging strangers like this wasn't normal. Or maybe it was for these guys?

"We've been looking for you and now you've found us..."the man finally pulled away and before Jim could even formulate a reply, a fist hit him in the face and he was stumbling sideways, landing on his ass.

"Do you have any idea how worried we've been?" the man was now shouting at him while Jim was cradling his hurting cheek. "I get that you were pissed but you could've at least sent a note that you were alright..."

"Doctor..." the alluring alien stated calmly, "I do not think that Jim knows who you are..."

"Huh?" the man replied focusing on the alien before his eyes narrowed on Jim who was quickly scrambling to his feet.

This was all really curious but they didn't have any time to waste because the mountain was still angry, grumbling beneath his feet and if they didn't get out soon, their only way might get caught off. There was simply not telling what the mountain would do next...

"My name is Jim..."Jim said slowly, eyeing the man carefully, "That's all I know..."he added and then he pointed the way he had just come from, "There is a hidden entrance that way...just follow it and it will lead you to a waterfall and to the outside world..."

"Thank you..." the alien inclined his head and it was then that Jim noticed that the third man was still staring at him as if he was a ghost. He averted his eyes, feeling slightly creeped out by the intensity of the stare.

"We need to hurry...the mountain is still angry..."he added and then the doctor nodded, grabbing the woman who was slowly returning to conciousness and then with the help of the third man dragging her towards the exit.

Jim was about to follow when the alien blocked his path. He lifted his blue eyes, looking up at the taller man and he was baffled by how calm he looked while his eyes betrayed him. He had no idea what emotion he was seeing but it was clear that the alien was trying his best to hide it.

"You have no recollection of who you are?" the alien asked and Jim tilted his head, frowning and then shaking his head, "I know who I am." he said slowly, "I'm Jim and I live here...I might not remember anything from before but does it really matter? I can't change what I don't know..."

The alien inclined his head as if he was agreeing and then he added, "My name is Spock. And we've met before."

Jim shrugged because right now he couldn't care less. "We need to leave. The air is turning poisonous on us..."

"Indeed, you are correct." Spock inclined his head again and they were just about to follow the others when the mountain grumbled, causing Jim to stumble and by the time the shaking earth was done, he and the alien were lying on the ground, covered in debris and dirt.

And their only exit had been blocked by fallen stones and earth.

They were trapped.

**BBBBBB**

Jim coughed, trying to clear his lungs but the dust in the air wasn't making things any easier and the shaking ground had actually managed to free even more poison. Jim didn't need any fancy equipment to know that now they were really running out of time.

"There is another way..."he said, he wouldn't have considered that route before but now it was their only chance.

Jim got up and Spock was right behind. Jim could feel his eyes watching his every move and it was slightly unsettling to be the focus of that heated gaze.

"Through the lake...we can swim...it can be done...I did it once...I think..."Jim rambled because the memory of diving into the lake and swimming through an underwater tunnel was there but if he tried to recall as to why he had thought that this was a good idea, he came up with nothing.

He watched curiously as Spock put a finger into the water, coming away with a peculiar look on his face.

"I am Vulcan..."he stated and Jim just shrugged because that didn't mean anything to him. When Spock saw that Jim didn't get the significance of what he had just said, he elaborated, "My body temperature is warmer than what is normal for humans, making me able to withstand heat better but the cold...or cold water in this case will have an adverse effect on me. I am not sure that I can give you a precise estimate as to how long I will be able to swim beside you."

Jim managed to translate the formal speech to: _I do not know if I will able to tolerate the cold water. You better lave me behind and save yourself._

He didn't bother wondering how he was able to decipher what Spock had said so he just shrugged.

"It isn't far..."He said, "and I am a pretty good swimmer. You go first and if you falter I will pull you along."

Spock didn't seem convinced so Jim just added, "If you stay here you will die. Help will not be able to arrive in time. That is a fact. If you follow me you have a chance."

Spock raised an eye brow as if he was surprised that Jim had been able to come up with a logical reason for his insane plan but after the earth rumbled again beneath their feet, both just started slowly walking into the water.

"Which way?" Spock asked and Jim pointed to a point to their right.

"Do you see the bubbles over there?" and when Spock nodded, Jim continued, "that is the entrance to the tunnel. It is pretty wide and once you're in it, the current will speed you along. Just let it drag you along and eventually it will lead you out of the mountain. There will be a small drop, it won't be high but be prepared for it..."

Spock nodded and then without any further pleasantries, the Vulcan dove into the water with Jim right behind him.

**BBBBBB**

Jim's luck of course ran out halfway through the tunnel and even though Jim wasn't aware of it, he still felt annoyed by it for a brief moment.

His lungs burnt already from the effort to hold in the air and to not give in to the need to breath while his strokes were still strong and determined.

He noticed though that Spock's movements were becoming less and less agile and then suddenly, from one moment to the other the Vulcan appeared to stop moving altogether, just floating in the water.

Jim just kept on swimming, bypassing him and then much like with a stray puppy, he just grabbed the Vulcan by the hem of his shirt and started tugging him along.

Taking him into his arms would've given him a stronger grip but he was running out of air and any second he would lose with trying to get a better grip on the Vulcan would have dire consequences.

Thankfully the water lessened the body weight of the now unconscious Vulcan and the stream was pulling them along nicely too, so he didn't really need to put too much effort into dragging him along with him.

He was starting to see blind spots, his own movements slowing down when the ground suddenly gave way underneath him and then he was free falling.

He soaked in as much air as he could, his lungs filling up as much as possible and during his fall he lost his grip on Spock.

When he hit the water, the impact nearly knocked all the newly gained air out of his lungs but he was only momentarily stunned by it.

He quickly gathered his wits around him, swimming back up to the surface while keeping his eyes open for Spock.

When he saw the Vulcan swimming face down in the water he quickly made his way over and then turned him around. He had no time to check if he was still alive, so he just focused on getting them both out of the water.

He clearly remembered that the Vulcan didn't like the cold so he made sure that he pushed Spock onto the shore first and only once that was done did he finally allow his own tired body to rest. That he was still half way in the water wasn't something he noticed.

**BBBBBB**

He was playing with some pebbles, totally lost in his thoughts when all hell broke loose around him.

"Jim..." someone, the doctor probably, shouted and Jim refused to look up because he thought the pebbles were quite nice.

Something brushed passed his mind and when he looked up he realized that the Vulcan had sat up, blinking rapidly as if he was trying to assess the situation.

Jim felt a stab when he realized that instead of getting distracted by pebbles he should've probably made sure that Spock was alright but the thought came and went before he could hold on to it.

People were running around them and he ignored them, only yelping in surprise when he was pulled to his feet. His wet shirt was yanked off his body and his trousers and boots soon followed and he was modest enough to be thankful that he appeared to be wearing underwear.

"Get him onto the stretcher..."the doctor whose name he still had to learn ordered and Jim found that he really didn't have the energy to comply.

"Here that should warm you up in no time..." a warm blanket was draped over his body and he only realized now that the reason why he had been stripped so quickly was because he had been shivering violently and of course before he had any chance of warming up, his wet clothes had to be removed.

"Where did you get those bruises..."the doctor asked and Jim watched as he gently lifted his hand up, revealing some finger shaped bruises along his wrists. "And there too..."

The doctor pointed at his upper arms and Jim just shrugged. He couldn't remember.

"What happened to you..."the doctor seemed to be cataloguing ever single scar found on Jim's body but he found that he couldn't care less about it. He was slowly drifting off into darkness and only when his head was gently grabbed, did he open his blue eyes again.

"Do you want to come up to the ship?" the doctor ask and Jim couldn't help but smile with almost childish joy at the question because he had always wondered what being in space would be like. At least he thought he had always wondered...it was sort of hard to know for sure since his oldest memory was from waking up this morning...

"Yes...I'd like that..."he said softly and the doctor returned his smile.

"Two to beam up..."

And then the world dissolved into sparkles.

**BBBBBB**

Jim was prodded and poked but the doctor, who seemed to have the nickname Bones, actually seemed like he cared. He barked a lot but Jim got the impression it was all done in good spirits.

"So can you fix him?" the alien, Spock asked at some stage and Jim slowly lifted his head, ignoring the datapad in his lap.

Apparently the only way to get him to sit still, without being sedated, as Bones had put so fondly, was to keep him occupied and for some reason Jim himself couldn't fathom, he actually found journey logs quite fascinating.

"They tried to erase his memory..." Bones said, "but they were either really unqualified or in a hurry...or both..."the last bit was mumbled but Jim didn't care, he was more interested to know if he could be fixed.

He didn't really feel as if something was wrong with him but then again it would be nice to wake up and to remember his life...

"Either way they just managed to block certain synaptic flows and I'm really not all that qualified in this area...they used some sort of Klingon adapted device but in theory, with the right equipment I can break down the blocks and restore everything to how it should be."

"But will that help him remember?" Spock asked and Bones just sighed, "The memories are there and he will remember but as to how quickly and when that is another topic. Added to the trauma he already suffered before they did this to him, I'm not so sure if Jim really _wants_ to remember."

Spock, in his own Vulcan way appeared to look thoughtful for a moment and even though Jim couldn't be sure he could've sworn that the Vulcan's back stiffened, "There is an alternate way to help Jim break down the barriers that have been put in place. And it will be less invasive than a machine..."

"A mind meld?" Bones looked doubtful but it was right then that Jim decided to make himself known because they were discussing his health and while there might be something wrong with him right now he still deserved to get a say in it. And _less evasive_ sounded quite good to him!

"I'm right here you know..."Jim's voice broke through the staring contest the two men seemed to have going on, "and the less evasive the better...so Spock's idea got my vote..."

"Of course _you_ would say that..."Bones actually grumbled, "because you always leap without looking..."

Then he addressed Jim directly, "Mind melds are something really personal and there isn't much known about it..."

"I would not have offered this course of action if it didn't have an excellent chance of succeeding. As a matter of fact I have calculated the..." Spock actually managed to sound slightly offended but the doctor just held up his hands in defeat.

"I'm not disagreeing with you..."he hastily said, "I just don't like our options..."

At that statement the Vulcan nodded his head in agreement and proceeded to walk towards Jim, sitting down on his bed.

"Before we do this, "Jim suddenly stopped Spock's hand, "Do you know why I was found in the desert? No one was ever able to tell me how I had ended up there and since no one knew me on the colony I think it's pretty clear that I didn't live there..."

"I concluded that without any vehicle at her disposal, the woman who found you must have been walking. Considering the human need for water and shelter I estimated how far she could've gotten and then after widening the radius I located a burnt out small spacecraft. It must have crashed with you on board and somehow you must have managed to survive and escape."

Spock stated and Jim blinked because it was slightly awesome that the Vulcan had pieced this much together from the titbits of information he had received.

"Was I the only survivor then?" he asked and with confusion he nodded the sudden alarm on both men's faces because apparently he had brought something up that they hadn't thought of before.

"Do you remember how you got those bruises?" Spock suddenly asked, gently lifting the hem of Jim's shirt to reveal the colouring of his skin.

Jim shook his head; he knew that those bruises were recent and even he could tell that they were finger shaped but he honestly had no recollection of anything from before waking up this morning.

"Spock..."the doctor's voice broke the spell, "It doesn't matter right now...Jim's safe..."

Spock inclined his head, mumbling something and then Jim's world went dark.

**BBBBBB**

"He wasn't supposed to black out..." Jim could hear Bones' whine through the fog in his brain but he wasn't in any mood to react.

"The effort was a success..."Spock stated calmly but there was an edge to his voice that told Jim that the Vulcan wasn't as calm as he appeared to be. "However the intrusion Jim had suffered before caused him to panic and he shut down. It didn't hinder me but if you had used a machine it might have done more damage because and please correct me doctor if I am wrong, those kind of machines require the patient to be conscious."

Bones grunted which Jim decided was an agreement and when he heard the by now familiar hiss of medical equipment he decided that it was safe again to fall back asleep.

Despite the fog in his mind and the darkness creeping around the edges of his awareness, he did feel somehow lighter which told him that whatever Spock had done or maybe undone, it must have worked.

Maybe there was hope for him yet...


	6. Chapter 6

**VI – Found**

Jim stared at the rising sun, the heat of the coming day already warming his body. It was nice being back home again even though the house had never really been _home_ to him.

He couldn't deny though that there was comfort to be had to be back where he had spent his childhood even though there weren't really all that many good memories around. But the few ones he had made up for the bad ones – at least that was what he figured.

He could barely remember getting back home; the whole journey was just really fuzzy but he clearly remembered that Sam had fought Bones and Spock for him because his friends hadn't wanted to let him go.

Sam was family though and with him being the way he had been, there really had been no regulation that anyone could have quoted to keep him on his ship.

_His ship_…if the Enterprise even still was his ship because he hadn't been acting as a captain for quite some time and even though Sam never really said it out loud, his eyes clearly told Jim that even his brother doubted that he would make a full recovery.

He was getting better every single day; that was a fact and while he had most of his memories back, at least enough to be able to function like he should, he wasn't so sure if it was enough to get his commission back.

A Starfleet captain after all had to 100% there and as much as it pained Jim to admit it, right now he wasn't so sure if that was true. He couldn't guarantee that at some point his memory wasn't going to fail him and then it wouldn't just be his life on the line but the lives of the entire crew.

He could understand the reluctance of Starfleet to reinstate him but he sill hoped that they would do just that.

Tomorrow morning he had an appointment with the designated shrink and then with the commission that would determine his fate and even though he wasn't the praying type, he still prayed that a miracle would occur.

Over the last few weeks while he had been recuperating at home he had been forced to retake most of the tests from the academy and as far as he knew it, he had aced them all which clearly showed that his memories were still there. They might be buried under a little bit of fog but he could still access them and he hoped that this would prove to be enough.

If he didn't get his ship back then he really had no idea what he would do with his life and it was odd that he found himself in this situation because just a few years ago he had been fine with doing nothing and picking fights.

Now though that was no longer enough; he had a chance to make a difference and being forced to walk away from that, well he wasn't too sure how he would handle that.

Gracefully he hoped but he was pretty certain that he would opt for _self destruct_ instead. And wouldn't that be a shame?

"Jim!" his brother was calling him, "Breakfast is ready and your friends are here…"

Jim got up quickly, rubbing his nose because he couldn't remember any plans for anyone to stop by and before he could stop himself he shivered because what if he had forgotten again?

As far as he could tell that hadn't happened to him ever since Spock had fixed his mind but the fear was still something that was ever present in his mind. More so now than ever before because tomorrow would decide the fate of the rest of his life and he really wasn't all that good with just waiting for other people to make up their mind.

He would rather go out and do something about it but in this instant he was well aware that apart from showing up tomorrow and doing his best, there literally wasn't anything else he could do.

And that was slowly driving him insane…

"Were we expecting someone?" Jim asked casually when he entered the house but he was pretty certain that he didn't fool his brother. Thankfully Sam just smiled at him and shook his head, "No, they just showed up, wanting to give you support for tomorrow…I told them they could stay…"

"Of course…"Jim nodded because why shouldn't they stay? However there was a faint nagging at the back of his head that told him that he was missing something that could potentially be of importance but unlike before, he just let it drop.

If he had learned anything over the last few weeks and from having his mind messed with, it was that sometimes you just had to wait for all the pieces to fall into place and while being patient wasn't something that came naturally him, he could still see the benefit of it.

"Bones…good to see you!" he smiled at his friend, clapping him on the back and he was rewarded with a smile and then with a bear hug that nearly broke his ribs.

"Careful there…I still need to be in one piece tomorrow…" he joked and Bones quickly pulled away, looking chagrined but not really sorry.

"Spock, good to see you too…"Jim addressed the Vulcan who just nodded his head in a greeting. For a brief moment his hands twitched, as if the was about to extend them to Jim but then the Vulcan clasped them behind his back, looking all rigid and stoic as if nothing had happened at all.

"How long have you been back?" Jim asked while he sat down at the table, grabbing some fresh toast and coffee while he was at it.

Bones had no problems in making himself at home but Spock seemed to be waiting for an invitation and Jim had just opened his mouth to issue one when Bones grumbled, "Just sit down Spock…have a fruit…" and then Bones shoved a banana at Spock who looked torn between commenting on the rudeness of it all or amusement.

"We just got in a few hours ago…acting captain Spock here got us back in one piece but Scotty is still crying up a storm about needing time to fix up the lady and I think he might get it…we're due for some shore leave after all and you probably won't be ready to resume command in a few days either…"

"That's if I get reinstated…"Jim mumbled and before Jim could stop Bones, his friend had produced a tricorder and was scanning him.

"Hey…!" Jim protested but there was a smile on his face because he had missed Bones mother henning even if it got annoying sometimes.

"There's nothing physically wrong with you…"Bones mumbled, his keen eyes focusing on Jim who suppressed the urge to squirm, "and I know that you aced those test so why would you think that you wouldn't be reinstated?"

"Because there are still parts of my memory missing…" Jim pointed out and this time it was Sam who sighed, "And you can't just let it rest either…"

"How can I let it rest?" Jim was getting agitated now, "There are pieces missing! Do you have any idea how that feels? I think I got most of it back but how would I know?"

Jim threw the toast onto the plate because he wasn't really hungry any more.

"Jim…"Bones spoke in his reasonable tone that always made Jim do exactly the opposite. It might be a juvenile reflex but he just couldn't help it. "If you push it then you're blocking yourself…you just need to relax and then the memories will come back on their own…"

"Yes, everyone keeps saying that…"Jim mumbled, his eyes slowly rising to look at Sam then at Bones and finally settling on Spock, "But do you have any idea how hard it is knowing that my future hangs in the balance?"

He got up, pacing the room before leaning against the wall, "I _know _I can do my job. I feel it in my bones…but I also know that I could be considered unfit and there isn't a dam thing that I can do about it!"

And after a pause, "And you know how well I react to things I can't change or influence…"

"If I may suggest going for a walk" Spock finally spoke up and Jim had to blink because that had just been really random. "Fresh air helps clear the mind and I have never been to this part of your world…I confess to some curiosity…"

"Of course Spock, let me show you around…" Jim answered quickly, "Bones…?"

The doctor shook his head, "Thanks…I've got some reading to catch up to and with you gone I might actually get the chance to do it." It was said with the usual gruff tone of voice that could be mistaken for dislike but Jim could read the subtext well enough.

Bones wanted to give him some time on his own and for some reason he wanted him to be alone with Spock. Jim eyed those two, noticing that the usual animosity, at least from Bones' side was missing.

The doctor still glared at the Vulcan and probably still called him names but while he had been away those two had formed some sort of truce and Jim was glad for it.

"Alright…let's go for a walk then…"Jim announced, bouncing slightly on his heels and then with a wide smile he ushered Spock out of the house.

For a while they walked in silence until Jim found a nice tree to lean against and then he watched as Spock spent a few moments examining the tree, the grass and the tiny flowers that were growing nearby.

It looked endearing in a way, almost like a puppy examining the garden for the first time and he quickly shook his head because he wasn't supposed to be thinking of his First Officer that way.

As far as he could recall they weren't even friends; he had tried but Spock had pushed him away and if that was really true then why did he feel this pull towards the other man?

"Spock?" Jim said quietly but with his good hearing Spock still heard him, coming over to sit down beside Jim.

"Yes, Jim?" the half Vulcan asked and Jim could feel the heat from his body and before he knew what he was doing he grabbed Spock's hand and intertwined their fingers.

He knew that he was on to something when the Vulcan didn't push away or make any sort of move because Vulcans were very sensitive about their hands and they usually didn't allow anyone to touch them.

"I only remember trying to be your friend and you rejecting me…"Jim said slowly, "but something tells me that there is more…will you tell me?"

Jim eyed the Vulcan carefully and the only thing that betrayed him was the slight twinge around his mouth. Eventually, after what had seemed like an eternity to Jim but really was only a few moments, Spock broke the contact, turning around so that they were now sitting face to face.

"Logic dictates to allow you to recover the lost memories on your own…"He stated firmly and Jim was starting to protest when Spock just silenced him with one dark look, "However I find myself unable to adhere to this logic so I will answer your question."

And Jim stayed silent, waiting for Spock to continue.

"You're my _t'hy'la_." The way Spock pronounced the word it clearly told Jim that he was supposed to know what he was talking about and he did recognize the word as Vulcan and there was _something_ resonating within him but that was all he got.

"I don't know what that means…"and if Jim couldn't quite keep the whine out of his voice then he was just going to have to live with it because it was still better than to be seen stomping his foot with impatience.

"It means friend, brother and lover." Spock answered calmly but Jim narrowed his eyes because there was a slight tick to Spock's eyes that told Jim that the Vulcan was anything but calm.

"So we were lovers?" Jim tried to clarify because this was like slowly pulling needles out of a haystack. He was getting several pieces of information but he still didn't see the whole picture.

"I rejected your advances at first because I believed them to be insincere." Spock finally started talking and Jim had to fight the urge to shake him to keep going. "I was misinformed and when I tried to rectify the problem you did not believe me. I then set out to prove myself to you and you accepted being my t'hy'la shortly after we arrived on Earth."

Jim scrunched up his nose; deep in thought because that moment in time Spock was talking about was just before his mind had been meddled with and because of that, it was really hard for him to really remember anything that had happened.

"I remember docking…heading to the hotel…"Jim said slowly, his eyes closing so that he could see the images more clearly.

Then suddenly he blushed and his eyes opened, "I remember…"his blush deepened and Spock just looked at him oddly. "I have never known you to be embarrassed about your sexual activities."

That was true but it was the first time Jim had needed help in remembering because in the past he had never really gotten so drunk that he couldn't remember what or who he had been doing.

He might have been reckless but he had never been stupid…

"So…"Jim drew out the word, trying to order his mind, "We had just started our…"he stumbled a bit because the word _relationship_ almost sent him running but then he just stopped.

"You do not have to commit at this time." Spock was giving him an out and Jim honestly wasn't so sure if he wanted or needed it. "Once you have regained your memories and are capable of giving me your answer, I will still be here."

"But…"

"I won't change my mind…"Spock said gravely, "finding my t'hy'la is something really rare and I will not mate with anyone but you."

"No pressure there…"Jim mumbled because how was he supposed to make up his mind when Spock was telling him that if he didn't accept him then he would be celibate for the rest of his life? That just wasn't fair…on either one of them…

"Jim…"and despite everything, despite his doubts, he still loved hearing his name rolling of Spock's tongue because no one had ever pronounced it quite like that. "Do not worry about me. This is your choice, just like this is mine. When you are ready, you will tell me. I will be here."

Jim nodded because what else could he say to something as important as that?

"I'm sorry that…" Jim started to apologize because he felt that he should at least be able to reassure Spock that he still felt the same but Spock just sent him another one of those non-existing Vulcan glares and told him to shut up – _politely_.

"When you are ready…"

*

Not much else happened for the rest of the day and supper was quite enjoyable. Jim was uncharacteristically quiet which caused Bones to send some worried looks his way but he had a lot on his mind and chatting wasn't really all that important right now.

"Maybe you should take it easy tonight…"Sam said, gaining an approving look from Bones.

Despite not wanting to be babied Jim just nodded. "I think I'll turn it…make sure that I'm awake, alright?" he smiled at his brother who just nodded and then Jim quietly left the room.

He took a quick shower; trying to relax enough to fall asleep but his mind kept replaying what Spock had told him and the more he thought about it, the more memories came back.

He remembered that the old Spock, who now went by the name of Suvok, had manipulated him and Spock into admitting their feelings and Jim smiled at just how devious the older Spock had become.

He could see how _Vulcan didn't lie_ still applied because technically Suvok hadn't lied but it had come close enough for Jim to admire just how Suvok's mind worked.

He remembered how Spock had explained t'hy'la to him and how he had not understood the significance of it. He still wasn't quite so sure that he fully understood it now but he recognized that it was something akin to being Spock's soulmate and he felt slightly sorry for having pushed Spock away.

On the other hand Spock had led him around by the nose for a few months as well and while he forgave him for that because it had all been a big misunderstanding he still couldn't help but wonder if Spock would've ever realized that they were supposed to be together if Suvok hadn't pushed it.

He hated that he wasn't sure if Spock wanted him for himself or just because he should.

As per Suvok he was Spock's t'hy'laso logically that meant to Spock that he should want Jim but Jim couldn't forget that until before that moment in his quarters Spock hadn't really made any advances towards him.

He found it hard to believe that someone could go from zero to 100 in such a short time but then again the only one who could answer that question would be Spock and Jim didn't estimate his chances as very good in getting the half Vulcan to talk about his feelings.

This afternoon had happened because it had been necessary but he doubted that Spock would suddenly start opening up to him because that just wasn't who he was.

_Still_, Jim thought, if he wanted to give this a real shot he would have to figure this out because regardless of how he might end up feeling, he really wasn't going to settle for being an afterthought.

Spock wasn't cruel by nature but he also didn't quite understand how human emotions worked so despite not being fond of _sharing and caring_ either, Jim realized that the only way he would get any answer would be if he opened up first.

He sighed, rubbing his face because at this stage he wasn't going to get any sleep and he really didn't want to show up at his meeting tomorrow looking like he had pulled an all nighter.

He quietly got up and on bare feet, dressed in just his sweatpants and light shirt he padded downstairs. Maybe his friends were up for some drinks before Jim tried sleeping again…

Bones surely would be up for it and even Sam enjoyed a drink here and there. He might be able to offer Spock some fruit juice or something…

"He hasn't remembered yet what sent him running?" that was Bones voice and Jim stopped in the hallway, torn between announcing himself and listening in. In the end his curiosity won out and he just continued standing there, holding himself as still as possible because Spock's keen ears would surely notice him if he wasn't careful.

The Vulcan must have been distracted because otherwise he would've heard Jim descending the stairs so Jim almost held his breath and stood as still as possible.

"No…"Sam answered, "And to be honest, I still haven't received an explanation myself…"

And with that revelation nothing short of something cataclysmic could've pried Jim away from his spot in the hallway.

He was pretty certain that what he was about to hear wasn't something he _wanted_ to hear but it was obvious that it was something he should know or at least remember.

"Pike approached us while Jim was out running…"Bones started and after a short pause he continued, "He showed us the picture of you and Jim and since we didn't even know that he had a brother we just assumed that you two were lovers. Or at least had been at some stage…"

Jim heard some rustling inside the room and he could practically see Bones shuffling while Spock just stood still and stoic. Strangely he couldn't picture what Sam was doing at the moment because despite his love for his brother, he really didn't seem to know him all that well.

"It was logical to assume some familiarity considering your body language…"Spock offered and for a second Jim caught a fleeting glance of a picture in his mind. He wasn't sure if it was the one they were referring to but from a strictly logical point of view, he could see how his and Sam's relationship could've been misunderstood.

"Has Jim not asked yet how he happened to be with you when he was taken?" Bones changed the subject and Jim heard Sam decline.

"He doesn't really ask any questions unless it is to confirm something that he remembered. I believe his doctor friend told him it would be better this way…"there was a slight biting tone to the last remark and Jim wondered for the first time why he hadn't really pushed for more answers.

He understood the need to remember in his own time but now that he thought about it, it was indeed odd that he had gone from being with his friends to being alone with his brother in such a short amount of time.

Jim frowned, several emotions were tugging at the edges of his mind and none of them were pleasant. He forced them back down because for now, contrary to medical advice, he wanted to hear what his friend had to say before trying to remember the events.

"The facts were that Jim had been photographed in the presence of a terrorist leader looking comfortable in his presence." Spock continued and was interrupted by Bones who added, "None of us believed that Jim could be a part of something so ugly, it just didn't fit with the man we've all come to know but the fact was that Jim _was_ in the photo and that someone obviously wanted Jim discredited because what other reason could there have been for it to show up anonymously on Decker's desk?"

"Admiral Decker, despite the fact that Jim had never met the man, holds an unfounded grudge against the captain." Spock continued where Bones had left off, "Pike proposed that for now we play along and allow Jim to be taken into custody so that we would have the time to clear his name and get to the bottom of it all."

However Jim could clearly hear what Spock wasn't saying at the moment because Spock was a logical creature and the half Vulcan wouldn't have been able to just ignore the facts before him.

With a sudden rush memories washed over him and it felt as if he was falling headfirst into an abyss. When he landed on the other side, his memories had returned and he found himself on the cold floor with the three men looking down at him.

Spock was the first one to reach out to him to try and help him up but Jim pushed his hand out of the way, getting up on his own accord.

"You betrayed me!" he shouted and before he could process what he was about to, he had hit Bones. The other man stumbled backwards cradling his jaw but for once the doctor wasn't shouting or fighting back. "I told you about Tarsus IV in confidence and the first chance you got you just blurred it all out!"

"Jim…I'm sorry…."Bones stuttered but Jim just shook his blond head, not wanting to hear any excuses.

"And you should've known better…!" he now poked at Spock, feeling the urge to hit the Vulcan as well but his intelligence won out because Spock wasn't the type of man or Vulcan who would take kindly to being hit.

And he really didn't want to be on the receiving end of yet another attempt at getting strangled.

Jim took a deep breath before his eyes lost some of his heat; still regarding the stiff half Vulcan who might look at is everything was alright but Jim knew better.

"You live by facts and logic…"Jim said slowly, "so I'll cut you some slack for it…the facts did look rather damming but what is also a fact is that you should've known what type of man I was!"

"Jim…"

"Shut up Sam…"Jim hissed at his brother, "This isn't your problem…"

"I beg to differ because their actions sent you to me and it wasn't them that allowed you to be taken, that was all me."

"You did your job…"Jim wasn't hearing a word of it, "it wasn't your fault that you hadn't anticipated to be taking someone else along on your last mission. You did what you had to do and if it is anyone's fault for getting kidnapped then it is mine because I insisted on coming along…"

"Jim…"

"Sam…" Jim said with narrowed eyes and for once Sam got the message and shut up, raising his hands as if admitting defeat but Jim knew better. His brother was retreating but he hadn't yet given up his argument.

"You should've talked to me…" Jim's voice rose again, once again facing Bones and Spock.

"There wasn't time…"Bones countered, "and how could anyone anticipate your need to jump out of a high story window!"

"I didn't jump!" Jim shouted back, "And what did you expect me to do? Go quietly while my brother was in danger?"

"We didn't know that he was your brother!" Bones shouted back but Jim just shook his head, "That's not the point. Even if he had been my lover, it was obvious that I cared about him!"

"Jim…"Spock was trying to break up their fight but instead Jim just focused his anger on the half Vulcan.

"And you…"Jim hissed, "I offered you my friendship for months and you pushed me away every single time…"

"I already explained…"

"I don't care…"Jim actually stomped his foot even if that did make him look childish. It was better than actually trying to hit Spock, "If you really thought that I was just trying to be your friend due to a bet then you should've confronted me about it because for a Starship captain that kind of behaviour would've been unseemly."

And Jim knew that he had Spock on that one.

Spock hadn't wanted to confront Jim for whatever reason when logic should've dictated that he do just that.

Jim's shoulders suddenly sagged, the fight draining out of him.

It had been obvious that something drastic must have happened in order to send him off on his own but in all his life he would've never imagined something like this.

And maybe he was taking this harder than he should but the fact remained that in all his life he had never really had a single best friend or any person that he trusted with his whole heart.

His mother had more or less abandoned him and for all he knew, up until now she still had no clue about the scars he carried. And she hadn't even bothered to contact him when he had saved Earth and gotten his captaincy!

She clearly had no interest in him whatsoever and as much as he loved his brother, even Sam had been mostly absent in his adult life.

He understood now what had propelled Sam into this course of action but understanding and forgiving were two totally different things. He was sure that given time he would come to totally trust his brother just like it should be but right now, they weren't there yet.

However he had trusted Bones almost from the first moment they had met and his friend had never disappointed him.

Sure, they fought like hell and apparently their shouting matches were something close to legendary, at least if he believed one tabloid he had accidentally read not too long ago, but he had always believed that when it came to it, Bones would always have his back.

And he wasn't really mad at him for playing a trick on him because he could understand the logic behind it. He didn't like it and he still felt angry that they hadn't come to him first but if being a captain had taught him anything then it was that sometimes one had to do what was the best for everyone involved regardless if that might mean hardship for one person in particular.

But what Bones had revealed to the world was something that he wasn't sure that he would ever be able to forgive and forget.

If it had been just him, Spock and Pike then maybe Jim would've been able to just push it all away but there had been three other people in the room that day so it was only a matter of time before everyone knew where he had been.

And it wasn't as if he was ashamed of what he had been through; he was proud to have survived that hell hole and to have come out of it all right but the point was that he didn't want people to look at him with pity in their eyes.

He had seen it happening to other survivors and that wasn't something that he would be able to tolerate.

Either way, he might have accidentally revealed his past to Bones but that didn't change the fact that he had told his friend in confidence which he had broken – and for no other reason than to shout at him!

If there had at least been a good reason for this breach of trust but Bones had simply been angry and lashed out and that wasn't something that Jim could forgive so easily.

"I don't want to deal with this now…"Jim waved with one hand, turning around, "I've got an important interview tomorrow and I can't…I can't…" the words just wouldn't come and when he felt Spock's gentle touch on his shoulder he nearly jumped out of his skin.

He ran up the stairs, ignoring the shouts that followed and then he did another juvenile thing: he locked himself in his room and he refused to answer anyone trying to talk to him.

And when Bones started to say just how sorry he was and that he would never forgive himself either but Jim really was too important in his life to give up on, Jim stuffed ripped handkerchiefs into his ears, blocking out any further sounds.

*

The next morning Jim dressed with care.

The jeans he had picked out went back into the closet and instead he chose some black slacks followed by a black shirt and a simple jacket.

He could've worn his uniform but he thought that this might be too much and his current outfit suited him.

He might not be vain but he wasn't stupid. His looks had gotten him out of several situations and he wasn't above using his charms if it got him what he wanted.

And looking good and confident was never wrong; especially not when today a bunch of strangers were going to evaluate him and decide if he was still fit to be a captain.

When he opened the door he actually found blankets on the floor and Bones sleeping on the ground.

He felt tempted to wake his friend by kicking him gently but in the end he chose the more humane way by shaking him awake.

"Jim…I'm…"

"If you say _sorry_ one more time I swear to you I will put your head through the wall…" it was the calm and almost icy tone of voice that had Bones instantly shutting up. "When I get my ship back…"and Jim made sure to always think positive because if he didn't believe himself that he deserved the Enterprise then how was anyone else supposed to do so? "I still want you as my CMO. That hasn't changed and that will never change."

Bones was about to say something again but Jim really wasn't in the mood to hear it, "Right now I have bigger things to worry about than what happened and we'll just have to see where we stand over time…"

"Jim…"

"I can't just forgive you Bones…"Jim said wearily, "I told you something in confidence…I didn't mean to do it but I still did and for you to just blurt it out like it was nothing…how do you think that made me feel?"

"Jim…"

"Let's just take it one step at a time…"Jim cut him off because regardless of how angry and hurt he was at the moment he still wanted Bones in his life. The man had been his only true friend so far and he knew that he wasn't ready to just cut him out of his life.

He felt hurt, betrayed and just really angry but he could also see that Bones was really sorry for what he had done and that it would probably never happen again.

"I'll give you all the time you need…" Bones said quickly and Jim just nodded, stepped over his friend and hurried down the stairs.

"Oh Bones...?"

"Yes?" came the almost eager reply.

"Why did I never ask about what happened to...the carver?" Jim really hadn't been happy when _those_ memories had come back and he had tried to recall what had actually happened to the lunatic Admiral but he really hadn't been able to come up with an answer. The only thing that he could've come up with that for some reason he had actually never tried to find out which was rather out of character for him – he knew that much at least.

Bones regarded him thoughtfully before finally answering, "I think that it was probably enough for you to know at the time that he had been dealt with. I'm sure you would've demanded more answers but then one thing led to another and I guess it never had the chance to come up."

Jim worried his lower lip thinking that this was really odd but then again, _that_ had been _the day from hell_ so maybe he should just give it a rest.

"Thanks..."

"Any time Jim, any time..." he could tell that Bones meant it but for now their friendship was on probation. Jim cared for the man, in many ways he was like a brother to him and probably eventually they would be back to normal but for now, he needed time to process it and despite obviously not liking the idea, Bones knew that he had to give him space.

He could hear his brother in the kitchen so he quickly said his goodbye and then headed outside. There was really no point for him to leave the house but he really didn't want to face anyone right now.

He quickly placed a call saying that he was ready and then he was beamed to Starfleet headquarters in San Francisco.

Beaming wasn't a standard mode of transportation while off duty but in his case an exception had been made and he was quite grateful for it.

"Captain Kirk?" a man addressed him and with a polite nod Jim greeted the man.

"Please follow me." The man said and with a confident stride he followed the man. "Dr. Kenslow is expecting you." The man said and Jim took a deep breath before he knocked.

"Enter…" a woman answered and fought the urge to twitch. Showing just how nervous he really was would give away that he still had some doubts about his ability to lead and that really wasn't something he should be sharing with the shrink about to evaluate him.

He knew he could do the job but he was also aware that not all of his memories had returned and that fact alone made him quite nervous.

"You're an hour late…"the woman snapped at him and Jim just blinked before he narrowed his eyes. "No I am not." He answered, still politely but with an edge to his voice. "The meeting was arranged for 9 am and it's now…"after a quick glance he said, "9.01 am."

"Are you sure about that?"

Jim resisted the urge to copy Spock by saying _affirmative_ so he just settled for _yes_.

"Very good…"he was startled when the woman suddenly smiled at him and he had the impression that he had just passed a test of sorts. "Please have a seat."

He nodded and took his seat, taking a moment to evaluate his opponent. And she was his opponent right now because his future rested in her hands. If she deemed him unfit, his next appointment with Admiral Pike would be pointless.

Chris would cut him some slack, Jim was sure of that but even he wouldn't be able to do anything if Dr. Kenslow didn't give him a clean bill of health.

The woman seemed to be in her mid fifties, well dressed with short hair and trim nails. She didn't seem to be the type to smile very often so Jim toned down his smile just a little bit._ Charming_ had its place but he didn't really want to over do it.

"I apologize for the little test but I wanted to see how you would react." She explained and Jim just nodded having arrived at the same conclusion himself. He didn't much like being tested like that but then again this was the point of this visit…

"So let's begin then…"she said.

*

An hour later Jim exited the office, feeling the urge to just slide down the wall and to close his eyes. It had been taxing but in the end, she had given him a clean bill of health.

She still seemed to have some reservations and she had told him that she had noted those in his medical file but over all, she hadn't seen any reason why he wasn't fit for duty.

At that moment he could have hugged her but considering that she seemed to be the reserved sort he had settled for a heartfelt smile and a _thank you_.

He knew where Pike's office was so he headed there now after allowing himself a few quiet moments. He didn't have an appointment but his former mentor had told him to just stop by when he was done and he would make time for him.

Pike probably had his evaluation form on his desk already because the doctor had assured him that she was going to send it straight away so after a slow start, Jim was practically running towards the office.

He didn't think that Pike was going to deny the application to be returned to duty but he would rather have everything sorted before he allowed himself to feel relieved.

Pike's secretary obviously knew that he was coming because she only had him waiting for a minute before he was called into Pike's office.

He hadn't seen his friend since he had come back to Earth and after having just remembered what had happened the last time they had been in the same room, Jim felt slightly apprehensive.

Out of his three friends he felt less betrayed by Pike but he also couldn't deny that he had questions. He just wasn't so sure that this meeting was the right place to ask them…

"Jim…come in…have a seat…"

Jim sat down, smiling at his friend and after a short moment of silence, Pike cleared his throat, "So the doctor cleared you for active duty…"

"Yes Sir…"Jim answered, fighting the urge to clench his fists. Instead he made sure to appear as relaxed and confident as possible because even though Pike was his friend and mentor, nothing could come in the way of getting his ship back.

"Very well then, I see no reason then to keep you off active duty…"Pike said with a smile, "I expect you to return the space dock tomorrow morning."

"Thank you Sir." Jim finally allowed himself to smile for real and to really relax. If Pike was able to see the difference he didn't comment on it.

"As you are probably aware your crew is currently on shore leave and your engineer is driving everyone crazy trying to upgrade the ship."

Jim nodded because he was aware of those facts.

"I want you to oversee the repairs and to familiarize yourself with the mission logs from acting Captain Spock."

"Of course"

"Shore leave is only one week so you won't be stuck in port for too long…"

Jim smiled again, "That is good to know." And after a moment, "Thank you."

"Don't thank me, Jim…"Pike said gravely, "I've been wanting to talk to you every since you returned but I wanted to wait until you were fully recovered. I might have also been stalling…but since you're here now…"

Jim could see where this was going and he leaned forward until his hands were on Pike's desk and he could stare at his friend. He wanted to make sure that Pike understood that he harboured no hard feelings for what had happened. Maybe some resentment but that was about it.

"I'm not mad at you." He said calmly, "You had to take action and you did your best…I don't blame you for how things turned out because it was my decision to make a run for it."

"Still…"Pike said, "I should've found a different way or anticipated that you would do something crazy because let's face it, crazy is your thing…"

Jim laughed, shrugging while leaning back into the chair. "Maybe but everything is always more clear cut in hindsight."

"Did you ever find out who handed over that picture?" Jim asked after a few seconds and Pike shook his head.

"From what I've been able to gather, it actually wasn't an attempt to discredit you. There was a member of the United Front that didn't like the power Sam was wielding and he was trying to discredit your brother by making a supposed romantic relationship public."

"Ah…"Jim nodded, "My being a starship captain and the current golden boy could've meant trouble for Sam since they wanted Earth to go back to the good old days where there were no aliens running about."

"That's right…"Pike confirmed.

"Like I said, "Jim smiled again, "no hard feelings…you did what you had to do…"

"Thanks…"Pike answered, looking quite relieved, "however something tells me that you're not going to be quite so forgiving with your friends."

Jim's face darkened and before he could answer, Pike added, "Don't be too hard on them…"

Jim shrugged before answering, "I can understand why Spock would've actually taken _the evidence_ seriously because he's a logical guy…and the evidence wasn't really in my favour…but I still feel that after what we've just shared that he should've known me better."

"He's Vulcan, Jim…"Pike pointed out and Jim just shrugged again, sending a rueful smile to his friend, "True, I _know_ that…I just don't quite _feel_ it…if you know what I mean…"

"And Bones…"

"He's sorry…"Jim spit out, "and I get that…but he's the one I'm actually the angriest with because he had no right to reveal that information…"

"Maybe…"Pike admitted, carefully holding Jim's gaze, "but I think it's for the best that it has come out…"

"There's nothing good about it!" Jim countered, "I've seen how survivors of Tarsus IV get treated…"

"Treated?" Pike obviously didn't understand just why Jim hadn't wanted anyone to know.

"I'm not ashamed of having been there…but I don't want to be pitied for it either…"Jim clarified, "In many ways my time on that hellhole shaped me into the man I am, I just don't want people to see me as the victim."

"Ah…"Pike said, obviously some things were making more sense now, "I'm pretty sure that no one is going to think of you as a victim, Jim…not after what you've already accomplished…"

"Maybe…"Jim admitted, "but that doesn't change the point that it wasn't Bones's place to reveal that information…"

Pike nodded; there was obviously nothing he could say to that.

"Just don't be too hard on him…"the admiral said again and Jim's shoulders slumped.

"I don't want to be angry with my best friend but he betrayed me. I know he is sorry but how can I tell him anything in confidence again? What if he gets angry again and blurts out something else he shouldn't?"

"I don't think he will make the same mistake twice…"

"Probably not…"Jim admitted, his eyes downcast, biting on his lower lip just before he looked up again, blue eyes fixating on something just behind Pike's face. "But the damage has been done…"

"Just give it time…"

Jim nodded, "I will…"

*

That night they celebrated and for a few glorious hours Jim managed to forget that he was mad at Bones, that Spock was staring at him constantly and that Sam seemed to be torn between being happy and being sad.

**VII – Epilogue (also known as my way to express my sweet side)**

Jim dropped his duffle onto the floor, smiling.

He had finally come home…he was back on board the Enterprise and everything was just as he remembered.

The corridors were mostly empty now but that didn't matter. He was looking forward to having the ship mostly to himself and to spending a few good hours working with Scotty.

What most didn't seem to know about him was that he was quite capable when it came to engineering and Scotty had beamed at him when he had offered his help.

Apparently somehow he had managed to convince the gruff Scotsman that he was trustworthy when it came to his engines and Jim was looking forward to getting greasy and to just doing a few hours of good, honest work.

He loved being a captain but right now spending a few hours just doing something else he loved was just what he needed.

Before he had left home he had assured Bones once more that whatever had happened was in the past and that he still wanted him as his CMO because that had been very important to him. Just thinking about not having Bones aboard his ship made him break out into hives so he had wanted to make sure that his friend didn't do something stupid and drastic – like asking for a reassignment…

They hadn't talked about it but he could tell that Bones had been thinking about it…

Thankfully Bones hadn't wanted to come back with him and that only left Spock for Jim to worry about.

The Vulcan honestly didn't have anywhere else to be and Jim hadn't had the heart to tell him that he couldn't come back with him. He wasn't really avoiding the Vulcan per se but he also wasn't seeking him out.

He wanted to avoid stringing Spock along because now that he knew just how serious the Vulcan was about him he really felt horrible that he hadn't been able to give him an answer.

He knew that he was going to have to have a heart to heart with the Vulcan and quite honestly he wasn't so sure if between the two of them Spock would be the one in more discomfort.

It couldn't be avoided but he was going to postpone that conversation until later…he wasn't a coward but he really didn't feel up to it now.

Spock however seemed to be having a different idea because Jim had just started to unpack when the door chimed.

"Enter…"Jim said and when Spock entered he wished that he hadn't answered.

"Spock…"Jim smiled at him, "What can I do for you?"

"We need to talk…" the Vulcan said and judging from the stubborn look on his face Jim knew that Spock wasn't going to take _no_ for an answer.

"Do you want some tea?" Jim offered and Spock inclined his head in agreement.

When Jim was done preparing the beverages he sat down on the bed, crawling to the far end to make himself comfortable. He could've chosen the sofa but that would've put them close together and he was kind of hoping that Spock would be too polite to sit down on the bed.

Unfortunately the Vulcan seemed to be in the mood to be contradictory because he did just that: he sat down on the edge of the bed and after a curious look at Jim, he scooted over and leaned his back against the wall, cradling his own mug just like Jim was.

"You said you would wait…"Jim started and Spock nodded, "I'm not here to push you for an answer but I got the impression that you were labouring under a misapprehension."

"Oh?" Jim said vaguely, "How so?"

"You seem to think that I am not serious about you…"

For all his supposed unfeeling nature the Vulcan was really quite good at reading him.

Jim decided that even though he would've picked a different time for this conversation it still needed to be had so he answered honestly, "You didn't give me the time of day before your other self came on to me…"

"Jim…"

"No, let me finish, "Jim insisted, "You don't lie. I know that. But how can I take your offer seriously when you ignored me first and only changed your mind when someone else took an interest in me?"

Spock looked slightly affronted which was a hard thing to manage considering that not much had changed in his expression.

He opened his mouth, obviously about to say something but then he closed it again. He glanced at Jim and after a few moments he put his mug down, scooting closer until his hands rested on Jim's thighs.

"There are no words for me to describe how I feel. But I can show you."

Jim's eyes widened and he was about to shake his head because the last mind meld had been far from pleasant but then he realized that Spock was actually right. They could talk about this for hours and the fact would remain that Jim wasn't going to be able to take Spock's word for his change of heart.

However if he could feel what Spock felt, if he could see with his own mind that Spock was speaking the truth then that would alleviate his concerns. Then all he would have to do is decide if he really wanted to have Spock as a lover or if he would rather just stay friends.

"Alright…"Jim said slowly and when Spock moved he leaned back, "But I want you to understand that even if believe you after, I cannot guarantee that I will want more than just friendship…"

"I understand…and my promise still stands. I will give you all the time you need to find your answer."

"Thank you…"Jim nodded and Spock took this as an affirmation to go ahead. He raised his hands, put them on the pressure points and then Jim was falling into darkness.

It wasn't total darkness; there wasn't anything scary about it, it was more like being cuddled in a big, fluffy blanket, protected from the world.

"Jim…"Jim could hear Spock's voice and he turned around but he couldn't see him. "Stay still…" Jim could feel the humour in Spock's voice and even though he had no idea how to stand still in his mind he focused on being still with all he had.

"Look behind you…" Jim did and when he saw a golden ball, his first instinct was to avert his eyes. "This is you…you shine in my darkness…"

The words were rather corny but Jim found that they warmed his heart.

"How come I'm this golden ball of light and you're all dark?" He asked and then he felt Spock beside him and seconds later, he could see the Vulcan appear out of the darkness.

He looked down, noticing that he was back in his human form and for a moment he frowned but then he remembered that anything was possible in this place.

"That's how you see yourself…your energy and enthusiasm and joy of life…"

"Then you're what…depressed?" Jim offered feeling slightly concerned now with Spock's darkness.

Amusement once again was in the air and then Spock answered, "I associate dark with logic and a calm mind…like the night's sky over Vulcan…it always was my favourite time of the day…"

"Ah…" was Jim's only answer. "What should I do now?" he asked and Spock held out his hands, "Take them and I will give you free access…just think of what you're looking for and I won't stand in your way…"

"But I don't want to rummage around your mind…there might be things you don't want me to see…"Jim pointed out but Spock just shook his head, "You're my soulmate, if you choose to accept me then we would bond and I don't intend to hold anything back from you. Besides, I trust you…"

Jim swallowed hard, making a mental note to himself that if he chose to bond with Spock that he would have to have to talk to him about this bond because he wouldn't be able to allow Spock free access to his mind. He was a Starfleet captain and there would be some things that he wouldn't be allowed to tell even his First Officer and besides that, he kind of liked the privacy of his mind.

"There are shielding techniques I can teach you…"Spock assured him and then, Jim closed his eyes, allowing himself to be immersed in Spock's mind.

He really had no words to describe the feelings that were running through his mind. At first he couldn't really tell where he began and where Spock ended but eventually he realized that the burning desire and this strange _need_ that he felt were coming from Spock.

The emotions were slightly alien to him but he figured that this could be because Spock was only half human so there were parts of him that were alien and that he was feeling emotions that didn't belong to him.

What shocked him though was the intensity of what Spock was feeling and for a moment he felt his skin burning.

"I'm sorry…"he could hear Spock's voice, "Emotions do run deep within Vulcans. This is why we need to control them…"

Jim decided that this made sense after all because the torrent of feelings that was washing over him now was slightly disturbing and also quite exhilarating because with astonishment he realized that Spock had really fallen in love with him.

It might have started out as simple jealousy because his other self had laid a claim to him but did it really matter that Spock had needed a push to recognize his feelings? Did Jim really have a right to begrudge him this?

He decided that in the end it didn't matter how Spock had discovered that Jim was his soulmate; all that mattered now was that Spock truly loved him with all that he had and Jim really didn't think he deserved that much devotion.

"You do, _t'hy'la_." Spock's voice echoed through Jim's mind and he could feel the half Vulcan's amusement and anguish because Jim apparently didn't consider himself worthy of his love. "You deserve this…we complete each other and I can only offer my apology that I didn't recognize this sooner…my logic failed me…"

Jim shook his head, at least he was trying to but it was very hard to be sure when he had no body, "I guess neither one of us is to blame…"

And after a moment Jim signalled that he was done and then suddenly he felt as if he was falling and then he was utterly alone in his own mind again. He blinked, feeling the loss and warmth of Spock's presence and he realized that he could become used to feeling Spock in his mind. It was comforting to know that someone else would always be there for him and if he was honest, he would have to admit that it was also slightly scary.

When Spock removed his hands from Jim and started to move away Jim automatically reached out to him, grabbing his hand. "Don't leave…"he whispered with wide blue eyes because he really couldn't believe that he had made up his mind in such a short time but then again he was known for always leaping first and thinking about the consequences later.

Now wasn't the time to suddenly change a lifelong habit…

"I've made my decision…"Jim said slowly and he smiled brightly when he saw Spock tensing, "Let's try this…"

"Jim…"Spock said gravely, "Once we commit to this, there is no turning back. There is no divorce on Vulcan. We bond for life…are you absolutely certain that you want this?"

Jim felt himself getting angry because why didn't Spock believe him now? Was it because the Vulcan still thought that he wouldn't be able to keep it in his pants? That he was simply incapable of monogamy and keeping his word?

He opened his mouth to deliver a rather heated reply when he noticed the faint traces of worry and fear in Spock's eyes and he suddenly realized that Spock was only trying to protect himself because if Jim were to change his mind later on, it might quite literally kill the half Vulcan.

"I want this…"Jim repeated slowly, putting emphasis on every single word, "I want _you_…"

Spock's face didn't actually change but to Jim it was as if the sun had just opened up its gates and as if he was basked in blinding sunlight.

Spock's smile, even if it wouldn't be noticed by anyone but him, was something precious, beautiful and worth waiting for.

*

VII – Epilogue

Once Jim had found out that the only way to get Spock drunk was to expose him to chocolate there simply had been no stopping him.

Spock of course was way too astute to fall for simple presents because he felt no human compulsion to eat them to make Jim happy.

Instead Jim had decided that he needed to stop giving Spock chocolate to get him drunk because when the half Vulcan didn't eat it, he was eating it and there really were only so many hours a captain could spend in the gym.

He had enlisted Bones' help and even though the doctor had been mortified he hadn't refused.

Jim had felt slightly evil for taking pleasure in the fact that Bones was trying really hard to make amends and that also meant that he simply wasn't able to _say no_ to Jim. Jim of course could have done the nice thing and tell Bones that he wasn't that small minded to quit his friendship just because Bones had a different opinion than him but then again, he still felt betrayed even though the pain had lessened so maybe this was sort of therapeutic for both of them.

They hadn't announced to the world yet that he and Spock were a couple because Jim hadn't wanted the publicity. Spock had agreed, finding Jim's decision a logical one.

However on board, far away from the prying eyes of the rest of the world, everyone sort of knew because apparently neither one of them were all that good at keeping lovesick looks to themselves.

Jim had to admit that Spock had been watching him more often than before and that maybe he might have growled a little bit when someone had gotten too close or too friendly but overall the Vulcan had just remained as stoic as before…

However Jim's ability to just read Spock's body language had blossomed and now he found that he had no difficulty at all to distinguish between a _happy Spock mood_ and a grumpy one.

And Spock was really good at doing _grumpy_ even though he would forever deny that he felt such an emotion.

They had left Earth only two weeks prior and so far the one mission they had completed had been rather uneventful.

They were currently on route to a rather distant planet to do some geological readings and ever since he had announced the new mission, the scientists on board had been almost painfully ecstatic about it.

Jim hadn't been so thrilled at first because a mission like that meant literally no work for him apart from day to day stuff but his mood had lifted rapidly when he realized that he now had all the time in the world to get Spock drunk.

Jim was a physical guy and since his memories from the one time he had had sex with Spock were rather fuzzy he had assumed that they would be continuing where they had left off almost instantly.

However apparently the Vulcan had decided that they needed a courtship time and Jim was rapidly losing his patience. It wasn't that he couldn't control his urges but he really saw no need to do so! Especially since they had both already proclaimed that this relationship was going to be_ it_ for both of them…

If Spock wanted to be romantic then Jim wouldn't stop him but he saw no reason to be so mean as to withhold sex!

However apparently Spock also didn't do romantic because all they had done since that decision was play chess, have meals together and maybe share a work out session.

The few times he had tried to talk about it had been met with stern refusal on Spock's part and so the plan _get Spock drunk and into his pants_ had been born.

"I got it…"Bones suddenly startled Jim out of his gloomy thoughts and for a moment the blond man had to blink.

"You got what?" he asked and then Bones just grinned, "I got the perfect way to get Spock drunk without him noticing…"

"I just want him to loose some of that control, not to knock him out…you do understand that, right?" Jim had to make sure because the last thing he wanted was to take advantage of his hopefully soon to be lover.

He wanted Spock to succumb to him because he wanted it too and the only way Jim thought that this could be achieved was if Spock's famous controls were lowered. He didn't want Spock so out of his mind that there would be regrets the next morning…

"Oh, don't you worry…here take a look…" and Bones shoved a description of a drink under his nose.

After reading it, Jim's face lit out like a Christmas tree because Bones was right, this could work…

*

He had issued the invitation for Spock to join him to dinner during lunchtime and if the raised eyebrow had been any indication then Spock was aware that Jim was up to something.

Jim knew that he had no hope at all to actually hide _that_ fact from Spock; he just hoped that the Vulcan wasn't going to figure out what he was up to.

He ordered their meals just before Spock was due to arrive and when the door bell chimed, he quickly put the plates onto the table.

He had ordered one of Spock's favourite dishes and a steak for himself. Spock might deny that he preferred one dish over the other but Jim was just as adept at watching Spock as Spock was at watching him and he had noticed that Spock seemed to tend to prefer two or three meals over others.

So that clearly meant that he liked them more than the others…even if Spock would never admit to it…

"Come in…" Jim shouted and he almost dropped the glass he had been carrying when he saw what Spock was carrying in his hand.

"Flowers…?" Jim couldn't hide the slight rise of his voice because that was the last thing he had expected. And where had Spock found flowers on the ship anyway?

Spock looked uncomfortable for a moment before he quickly crossed the room, holding them out to Jim. "It is a human custom to bring flowers to a date…I asked Ensign Marcus which plants in the lab she found the most aesthetically pleasing…"

He almost shoved the flowers in Jim face and after slightly leaning back; Jim took them out of Spock's hand. He had never received flowers and he was unsure what to do with them.

"Thank you…"he said and after sniffing them he added, "They smell nice…"and quietly he thought that he better not end up allergic to them because if he got hay fever now then Bones would surely lose it. Not to mention just how upset the Vulcan would get if a gift of his would end up harming him.…

"I'll just find a place to put them…"Jim blinked, looking around his room for any sort of container and when he didn't find one he just gently put them onto a shelf, "I'll ask Bones if he has something in the morning…"

"That will be acceptable…"Spock inclined his head and then with a nervous flutter in his stomach, Jim sat down at the table.

He tried to hide his nervousness when Spock picked up the glass and just before the Vulcan was about to drink from it, Jim reached out, taking it away from him. "Don't drink that…"

Spock's eyebrow rose up and Jim put the glass onto the table, "I'm sorry…there's chocolate in it…"he explained, wondering when he had lost his nerve but maybe it was the right thing to do after all.

"Can I ask as to why you tried to hide this from me?" Spock inquired and Jim shifted on his seat, feeling like a school boy facing the headmaster.

"I miss sex…"Jim finally just said, "and I thought that if you lost some of your control you might want me…"

"Jim…"Spock said gravely, "this has never been about me not wanting you…I can assure you that I find everything about you appealing…"

Jim smiled at that but then he frowned, "Then can we please just have sex…?"

Spock did the Vulcan equivalent of a sigh and eventually his dark gaze focused on Jim, "I have spent many nights in medication trying to find a flaw in my logic but the logic is still sound. It is the Vulcan way to court before agreeing to a life bond…"

Jim opened his mouth to protest but one look from Spock shut him up, "However I failed to consider the human side to this and the simple fact remains that I do not want to wait. I came here tonight with the intention of asking you if you were prepared to forgo the courtship and move on to the next level…"

Jim's heart started racing because was he really hearing this? They were going to have sex.

And was it really sad that he was so focused on that?

"Before you answer me, this will be your last chance to decline the bond. Once we have sex I will initiate the bond between us and only death can break it…"

"Yes…yes…"Jim said with a roll of his eyes, "We've been over it…I'm still as ready as I was two weeks ago."

Spock just nodded in agreement and when he started eating Jim couldn't believe it. The rumble in his stomach though told him that maybe he should eat his dinner too…

*

When Jim was finally lying naked on his back he almost couldn't breathe because watching Spock slowly reveal his body was just something that he was sure would never get old.

"Come here…"He held out his hand once Spock was naked and guided the Vulcan to lie next to him.

This time he wanted to have some time to explore Spock's body because he couldn't remember having had the chance to do this before.

He ran his hands slowly down Spock's chest towards the already half hard cock and when he gently picked it up, he marvelled at how similar it was and just how different at the same time.

The colour of course was greenish of sorts, unlike his own and there were some other differences as well but over all, Spock's cock wasn't really all that different from his own.

With an impish smile he looked up at Spock, some blond strands falling into his face before he licked the quivering shaft his hand. Then he opened his mouth, guiding the shaft into his mouth and then slowly he took in as much as he could.

He couldn't take all of it but he was sure that given enough time he would learn how to deep throat. For now though he didn't think that Spock minded his lack of technique because the Vulcan's eyes had actually fallen shut and his hands were nestled in Jim's hair.

Spock didn't push or pull but he gently tugged and Jim found that he really liked the sensation.

He brought Spock to the brink of an orgasm before he pulled free, positioning himself on his hands and knees, thinking that this might be the easiest way for them to do this.

"No…"Spock said, voice rough with emotion and that was a sound that Jim had never heard before and one that he was sure he would never get tired of hearing.

"On your back…and then…afterwards, you can enter me…"

Jim complied, looking forward to burying himself in Spock's hot body but for now, all he wanted was to be taken by the strong Vulcan. He had no clue where that need had come from because there wasn't a submissive bone in his body but then again, he had never really trusted anyone as he trusted Spock and since they were both equals in this, then no one would really be more dominant than the other…

"Don't go easy one me…"Jim suddenly said and the could see the Vulcan tensing, slowly trying to remove himself from above Jim's body but Jim just grabbed his hips, keeping him in place, "I'm not that fragile…you can let go…"

"I don't think it would be wise…"

"Just do it…I don't think that you would hurt me…not even when you lose control…"

Spock still didn't seem to be convinced of Jim's logic but for once the need in him won out because even without any form of outward agreement, Jim could see that Spock was going to do as he had asked.

The preparation took forever; at least that was what it felt like to Jim. He didn't think that he could actually be any more impatient but sadly he had been mistaken.

When Spock was finally buried inside him, he let out a sigh of relief and when the stubborn Vulcan finally started thrusting, Jim matched his movements with the same enthusiasm and need.

Being filled by Spock's long cock wasn't necessarily different from all the other times he had enjoyed sex but what made it different was that it actually meant something more than just physical pleasure.

This was it, this was_ forever_ and he was the first to admit that he would've never thought that he would be among those crazy people considering getting married.

Being bonded to a Vulcan wasn't going to be like any marriage he knew about but then again, what he had seen of marriage so far really hadn't convinced him either. Maybe doing something like this was going to be just the right thing for him…

And then again, he really didn't have any choice in the matter because he didn't think that he could imagine his life without Spock in it.

He had been floored by the intensity of the Vulcan's emotion and he still wasn't convinced that Spock really felt that way about him but he couldn't argue with what he had experienced himself and even right now, the feelings were strong enough to almost short circuit his brain.

"Spock…"he moaned his lover's name after a particularly demanding thrust and when Spock angled his cock just right, Jim keened and then without any warning he came like a freight train.

His world dissolved into darkness and he thought with some amusement that he had finally met his match in Spock because it took someone really special and _talented_ to fuck him unconscious.

*

Minutes, hours or possible days later – who knew? – When Jim floated back into consciousness, the first thing he noticed was being held in a tight embrace with lips pressed to his ear. The kisses trailed further up until Spock planted a kiss in his hair and Jim just sighed contently and shifted just a little bit.

"You're finally awake…"Spock's voice was just like always but the difference was that this time around Jim could practically feel just how pleased the Vulcan was at having rendered him unconscious.

Even though Spock would never do anything as basic as gloat, Jim was pretty sure that deep down the Vulcan was more than just pleased with himself. This once though Jim really didn't mind because the sex had been more than just good, it had been phenomenal and he just hoped that not all of their encounters were going to be like this because if what he had experienced was going to be standard for them, then soon the Enterprise was going to have a fucked out captain on the helm, unable to utter a single command.

"How long was I out?" Jim's voice was sleepy and he didn't object when Spock actually cuddled closer.

"10.2 minutes…"came Spock's answer and Jim couldn't suppress a smile at just how accurate the Vulcan was. Apparently Spock couldn't help himself, not even if it was only the two of them, basking in the afterglow of their joining.

"Are we bonded now?" Jim asked, voice slightly hesitant because he wasn't sure.

"Yes" was Spock's simple answer.

"I don't really feel any different…"Jim observed and even though he couldn't see Spock's facial expression - not that there really was that much to observe – he still was pretty sure that the Vulcan was just now raising an eyebrow at him.

"I'm blocking the bond for now…"

"But why…?" Jim protested feeling oddly hurt by this because they had just bonded and now Spock was blocking it? Why?

"Because I haven't yet taught you how to shield your own mind and I didn't want the new bond to overwhelm you."

"Oh…"that made perfect sense and Jim mentally slapped himself because when had he turned this needy?

"There is no rush but I am certain that you will master control within approximately a day. You have a very active mind and unlike most humans you are not PSI null. That will work in our advantage."

Jim blinked and his lips were already open but then he closed them again because one _oh_ was enough. He had standards to upkeep after all.

Without any further conversation or any other attempts by Spock to be distracting, Jim slowly drifted off to sleep again, thinking that he really could get used to feeling like this.

*

When he woke up again he was alone, a fact that he didn't much care for but then again, he knew that Spock didn't need as much sleep as he did and it would have been perfectly illogical for the Vulcan to just stay in bed, watching him sleep.

Not that Jim would've minded if Spock had done just that…

He got up, had a quick shower and then he started familiarizing himself with the reports. He had a lot of catching up to do and not really enough time to do it all.

A few hours later, the door opened and when Spock entered carrying an assortment of things that he was sure no Vulcan had ever carried, Jim couldn't help but smile his widest smile every, perfectly lighting up his face.

"What's all this?" Jim inquired and he watched with fascination that Spock still managed to convey dignity while carrying flowers and chocolates.

"Was your rest adequate?" Spock asked and Jim nodded, still smiling and staring at the flowers because seriously, Spock had brought him flowers?

He found that he could really used to getting flowers even though men weren't supposed to be getting flowers but then again, when had ever followed the rules?

"I had reports to finish and Dr. McCoy informed me that there are human courtship rituals that I should acquaint myself with."

"So you didn't do this with Uhura?" Jim was slowly moving forward, almost as if he was afraid that if he moved to quickly the presents were going to vanish into thin air.

Spock looked puzzled for a moment, as puzzled as he could manage, before answering Jim's question, "I was not courting her in the same way as I am courting you. Our relationship is different."

Jim blinked, feeling momentarily sad for Spock's former girlfriend but then his eyes got drawn once again to the gigantic chocolate heart that Spock had placed on the table. It was red of course and Jim quickly tore the wrapping paper off, revealing perfectly shaped dark chocolate behind it. Just the kind he liked.

Bones must have really worked his magic on Spock if the Vulcan had gone out of his way to procure all of this.

"Where did you get all this…?" Jim couldn't keep the wonder out of his voice but then again, did he really want to?

"The flowers are from the botany bay; and I reprogrammed one of the replicators to produce the chocolate."

Jim snorted but when he broke off some chocolate he didn't hesitate before offering a piece to the Vulcan.

Spock took it and swallowed all of it which delighted Jim to no end.

Either way, he quickly produced a place to put the flowers in while chewing on his piece of chocolate and he made a mental note to get Bones something really nice as his own personal thank you.

He might not have completely forgiven Bones for his betrayal but he was on his way there.

Friendships after all were much like anything else of importance: only that worth fighting for was worth keeping.

And he had the feeling that his friendship with Bones was going to be legendary…just like his relationship with Spock…

The stuff of legends…and right now, with uncertainties and danger ahead, Jim couldn't help but think that it would all be worth it in the end.

And for now, he was just going to enjoy the moment…and get Spock naked…ASAP.

The End.

*

AN: This is the end. However I am not happy with how this story turned out. I had a plot outline and the first bit is just how it should be and then between writing, editing and studying I lost track of what had been written and as a result lots of things have turned up missing. That is no excuse, poor planning on my part and I've learned my lesson to never start posting until I am completely happy with the ENTIRE story. Anyway, you can call this story version a, version b will include more details, different pov, notably Spock POV and maybe McCoy POV and it will possibly continue way beyond the ending here because believe it or not, this wasn't actually supposed to be the end.

Anyway, thanks so much for reading and for all your reviews, they mean a lot to me and hopefully you guys will still be around when I post the updated version – the way the story should've have gone in the first place...thank you!


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